Hello, everybody. So, uhm, first all... I'm sorry. Deeply sorry. I've been taking and taking and taking and taking, and I haven't given much back. And I guess, in a sense, I'm still doing the same right now. But I want to end that. I'm just... tired of taking. I want to give back, but the problem I'm facing is that I have nothing to contribute - and I'm not talking about just here, I mean pretty much everywhere and with anyone else I have to deal with. I don't really like myself, to be honest... at all. It's frustrating. I want to help people - I want to participate, I want to feel close to others and form bonds, but inherently I'm too scared to and I feel like I don't have anything to contribute. And this causes me to be withdrawn and begin hurting, and wanting to reach out to others, but then I realize that I'm not giving anything back at all and I keep taking and realizing that in order for THAT to happen I need to reach out to others who're suffering in the first place and then I feel that fear and that I have nothing to contribute and askljdfa;j I kind of end up in this weird loophole that I have immense trouble breaking out of. I keep turning to other people for assistance and advice, and I keep expecting kindness and sympathy - rather, wanting it - in my weakness and vulnerability when I feel like I should be looking, rather, for the plain, hard truth. It's hard working past this pain on my own, honestly. Once I get that little seed of hating myself planted in my head, I figure everyone else would just get tired of me and my ranting and would end up pushing me away... To be honest, I do feel like I want to mean something to someone, and to feel important to someone and just bond with them, but I can't do that with the state I'm in. And it certainly wouldn't be fair to them and to expect that of them... It makes it sound like I'm using them, to be honest, and I don't like that. .__. But I've never really felt an emotional connection in a while, and everytime I see people who do, with bonds, it hurts and I feel... really jealous. ... Is there anything I can do to help this? Any tips or anything anyone can give? I know one friend of mine says to be kind to myself, and to do the things I enjoy to do. And I feel like he's right, it's just difficult to do that without feeling like I'm running away from my issues. .__.;
To be honest, I really don't know. .__.; I've always been hard on myself, honestly - feeling like I wasn't good enough, like I wasn't doing enough, that I wasn't improving enough and shouldn't bother... I guess those kind of issues caught up with me, after seeing all these people around me growing and maturing, and having people love them for who they are and getting into relationships and close bonds and everything. I've never really had that, except with one person, and that... I ended up breaking up with him because those doubts and that weakness got to me, along with self-confidence issues regarding him shutting himself in, and just... a lot of other things.
Hm. I don't think so...? I'd like to say I came to terms with that a while ago. I think this is more personal details, about who I am... .w. I think, anyway. I mean, I can admire a girl, but sexually, I'm just more interested in guys - I just... don't feel like any guys would be interested in me, y'know? What with the whole body image and everything. And my personality, as boring as it is. And my confidence. v_v;
as for your body image, your really not that bad dude, your personality is probably pretty great but your confidence is how you feel inside and theres usually a type of vibe you give off, but anyway let me try something, tell me about yourself?
Well... I'm a gamer, been so since about 3 years old. I grew up living in an isolated place, with just my parents and a cat, for about 2 years before moving to a slightly bigger area, with about 100 people. Growing up on games and movies, I had a... pre-conceived idea about how friendships worked, so I figured I had to do a certain thing or act a certain way to be able to have friends. I grew up on media, basically, because, before this move, I'd never had friends before. This... well, kind of caused me to be somewhat of an outcast, so I continue to grew up on media as a kind of escape, I guess, though it also served as a link, albeit weak one, to some of the other kids. It was the only thing I could relate to them with, and I honestly was kind of a brat back then. Growing up semi-alone, I guess I grew accustomed to it, and in some form my heart to slowly begin to harden. I tried and tried and tried to be friends with some of the kids, but they just... I just felt like an outcast. Like I didn't matter - like I was the loser, essentially. And I was mis-behaved, too. I was rude, I was crass... I was desperate. Part of me was tired of being alone, but eventually, I guess it just became normal. After a while, we moved to where I currently am now, with my parents. I went through high school, and I admittedly had a better time with it than I did in elementary. I didn't try so hard, and I kind of had a mask on, but it was easier to handle than elementary school. And now, 4 years after graduating, I'm finally trying to get back in touch with myself, and it's been... hard. I've come out to everyone, had a relationship, broke up, had my heart worn, been emotionally black-mailed, and even then he still has a strong grip on my heart... I still really care about him. ... I would like to think I'm a kind person, but I feel like there's a lot for me to improve on, and I don't really understand it, either. I see other people who're kind, but reasonably so - not sacrificing much - and I wonder... how they're comfortable with it. With themselves. I'm kind of lazy, admittedly, though part of it is just... well, laziness, while the other part is fear of trying. My parents tended to stop me mid-way of doing something and corrected me, and somehow I gained the impression I wasn't good enough... it was nothing to do with them, it was all on me, but I still don't understand how I drew that conclusion. ._. I'm withdrawn, too. I don't really speak up, and many attempts to reach out... feel selfish, yet I don't feel capable enough to help someone who's reaching out - in a forum, anyway. I try my best with people who personally come to me, but I feel like the information and help I have to offer aren't much, so... I question what worth I really have. This causes me to be insecure in what I do and really touchy. ... That's basically all I can think of.
Oh this, damn right down to the laziness, just though in the tough time with the sexuality as we could have been twins, lol, well while im am more for the most part lazy, i go to a school, its kinda like a college with dorms and having to be independent and thats how i kinda stopped being lazy, have you tried living on your own, if you dont already, if you do try and learn as skill that could make you more independent like, cooking, washing clothes and dishes (and yes, i do consider these skills)
I haven't, but that would imply I wanna stay in this area, and... at this point, I really don't. But I don't have a direction picked, yet, in regards to like education or even my future. I'm not sure what I want to do. ._. But I have had the feeling lately, that maybe it's time for me to move on somewhere. I just don't know WHERE, yet. Or for what reason. There's not much that interests me, admittedly, and a lot of it is expensive, regardless.
I'd thought about it, yeah. I'd heard one of my friends actually came from one not too far from here, though he'd... had a hard time with it, what with depression and stress. .w.; I'd prefer to find someone to room with, to - split rent. Preferably a friend, too, but I'm not sure I know anyone down there or who's going down there.
You know your description of yourself and the situation reminded me a lot of my own personality. Especially that "I've become used to being alone" part. I just had to realize that 90% of the people are jerks anyways so I'm not missing out on much! It's other people's loss if they don't value the good about me.
See, I want to think that way, but I feel like there's a lot about myself I can still improve about myself, and I want to know how. I don't wanna be a douche or mean, you know? ._. I wanna be nice and confident, but I don't wanna come off as a jerk. And I'm not sure how to do that, yet... Thanks, mang. I'll try to see if I can work something out... Talking about this really helped, and I really appreciate it. :3
I felt like crap about myself for a long time. I was constantly apologizing to people for it. I was a mess and felt like there was nothing good or interesting enough about me for me to feel good about myself, so how could anyone else? There were a few things I did to change that: -got my mental health right. this is obviously not applicable to everyone, as not everyone with self-esteem problems has clinical mental illness, but I did. so I got treated and got stable. -decide a couple of goals for yourself. maybe you'll learn something new, throw something new in your day to day routine, pick up a hobby, make plans with some people you know, get out and meet new people, etc. pick just a couple smallish things at first, then accomplish a couple of them. with every accomplishment of every small goal remind yourself that you are making yourself better every single time. then move onto bigger and bigger goals (still attainable ones, obviously, but bigger ones). getting stuff done and reminding yourself when you get stuff done that you're doing really well is a huge confidence boost. -recognize that not everything is about you. even though you might notice if you're being awkward/needy/whateveryouthinkyouare other people may not have even noticed that. try to worry less about how other people are seeing you and thinking of you and instead get focused on other people instead of being totally focused on yourself all the time in every situation. ask people questions, get genuinely interested in what they have to say, listen more than you speak. if you're constantly focused on what you're doing/saying/feeling/thinking in any situation, you're never going to actually know what anyone else is doing/saying/feeling/thinking and other people can tell that you're not putting in the effort to be aware of them. people are more likely to like you, want to spend time with you, listen to you, help you, etc if you are willing to honestly, whole heartedly try to do those things for them--not because you want them to like you, but because you're putting the time in to genuinely care for them. These were the magic steps I took and my self-esteem shot up in like a year flat. Since I continually try to keep doing all of these things, I don't have many problems with self-loathing and lack of confidence anymore.
... That's the scary thing, honestly, and part of my self-hate - I'm not sure... how sincere or whole-hearted I would be? For all I know, it could be part of my self-depreciation, granted, but... I'unno, I know I USED to be... Like, whenever I was feeling down and talking to peeps, at some point something would be brought up about them and I would turn it to them and help as best I could. It was a good feeling. But now, it's not the same, and I don't understand why... I just feel so emotionally worn these days, after that whole break-up with my ex and trying to help with his depression and loneliness, even with a LDR. And it's not his fault, really - it's my own for pushing as hard as I did with him. But now, it's hard to feel like it's worth it to put forth the effort for... a lot of things, really. And I hate how I want that bond, again, but I'm just... not inherently willing to put forth the effort to have it. I recognize it's an issue and it frustrates me to no end - it doesn't make any sense. I want to be back to my old self and form bonds again, honestly. ._. It's just... so easy to be withdrawn, too... Still, that's some... really good advice. And I'll try my damnedest to make sure I do it. To make sure I ask all the details, to make sure I support my friends as much as I can, to make sure I can... actually change. So, thank you.
Np. The method I've outlined is simple, sure but it's not always easy. That's for sure, and I get that. Sorry things are in such turmoil for you right now. That's rough. Hang in there, you can pull out of it, sometimes you just need some help. (*hug*)
(*hug*) Thank you. And it's true, it's definitely not easy... xP I mean, I hate relying on someone, you know? But sometimes, it just gets baaaad, and I feel awkward reaching out because I feel like I'm being needy. .w. But thank you for the advice. I really appreciate it. Trying's scary, after all, and I worry that I won't be sincere, but... I'll still make an effort.
