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I'm falling for my best friend. Help.

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by IsThisAName, Jun 2, 2014.

  1. IsThisAName

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    This is really long so I'm sorry for that. I just needed to vent. If someone can please read it and just help, that would be great.

    Got drunk with my best friend and another friend tonight. Best friend is straight and totally totally supportive of me being gay. Has never judged me or made me feel bad for anything having to do with being gay. However she is a typical straight girl and naturally, once I came out to her she wanted to know whether she was hot or not. Totally she kept asking and finally I was like "yes, you're very pretty," because she's gorgeous. She then asks if I would ever fuck her, and I'm like "dude, not going there. You're like my sister." And she pushes it anyway and says "but if we were drunk, would you?" Tried not to answer till finally she wouldn't stop asking and so I just said "sure" and she just chuckled and it didn't make things awkward at all. All of that happened while we were SOBER.

    Once we were drunk, she starts acting like she's gonna lean in to kiss me. I was like "what are you doing, I'm not gonna kiss you," lol. She says "why not? Am I not hot enough?" Le sigh. Oh, and then once we all sober up, she's back to texting her boyfriend and goes back to his house to fuck him for the second time this week.

    The thing is that she's my best friend in the entire world. I love her to death and would trust her with my life. And for the first time in our 10 years of friendship I think I'm starting to have feelings for her. And there's no way I'd ever tell her that, because I'd hate for her to feel uncomfortable around me or anything like that, and I can't see myself building a future with her even if she weren't straight anyway. I just feel this weird jealousy and pain when she's freaking out over her boyfriend and this weird urge to just want to cuddle her and kiss her and hold her hand. And I hate that.

    I just feel like I'm getting taken advantage of as the token lesbian friend. She said herself that I'm her only lesbian friend. I feel like my feelings are being thrown all over the place with this, meanwhile she gets total stability and can joke and laugh and at the end of it all she goes running into her boyfriends arms. And that hurts me. I guess part of this is because I needed to vent and have someone hear what I'm feeling, but I also just want advice and what you guys would do and whether you've experienced anything similar.
     
  2. BookDragon

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    I just feel like I'm getting taken advantage of as the token lesbian friend. She said herself that I'm her only lesbian friend. I feel like my feelings are being thrown all over the place with this, meanwhile she gets total stability and can joke and laugh and at the end of it all she goes running into her boyfriends arms.

    That sounds like a pretty damned accurate assessment of the situation.

    I'll be honest with you, I can't see a lot of resolutions to this that don't involve an argument of some kind.

    I mean you could tell her straight up, but it wouldn't necessarily stop her, and as you say, could be pretty uncomfortable for her (although I have to say that given how she is treating you, I personally couldn't care less how she feels...perhaps you're a better person than me, I don't know...)

    You could just leave when she gets like that, but then you eventually have to explain why.

    You could tell her that if she's going to keep digging at you like that, you're just going to give her extreme negative feedback. Next time she says "Am I not hot enough for you?" your response would be "I wouldn't fuck you if you were the last woman on Earth!", get's the point across (you are angry with her) but again, very confrontational.

    You could go along with it, but as you say, it's not going to help you get over her and it is full of problems, including the potential for her to accuse YOU of seducing her if and when her boyfriend finds out. "No babe, she took advantage of me while I was drunk!"

    OK here's a thought.

    If it happens again, get your phone out and record everything she says. Record you saying that it isn't going to happen and make sure you get everything she says, all the encouragement, all those little digs ("What, am I not good enough?"), all those flirty remarks, then when you are both sober, call her out on it.

    Tell her you want to talk about the other night and play her the recording. Tell her that it's not fair to toy with peoples emotions like that and 'being drunk' is not an excuse. See what she says.
     
  3. IsThisAName

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    I promise she's not as terrible/annoying of a person as it probably sounds. I may be biased because she has been my best friend for years and has always had my back though. Outside of the whole flirting thing, she is a wonderful friend and would do anything for me.

    But I do need to put a stop to the flirting. I'm not going to tell her I have feelings for her. Next time she says something flirty, I'll tell her to stop and that I'm not going there with her anymore. I'll tell her that she's straight and I'm gay, and if she is really straight then she has no real interest in me and I am not going to play along. I can see me being able to say that without her getting upset and causing a huge fight. We don't really fight anymore because we had our share of bad fights in high school and are too close to actually show real anger to each other.

    Also, all of these comments except for the trying to kiss me part happened while we were both sober. The "am I not hot enough?" happened while we were drunk, but she has also said that while sober. So she's saying it regardless of being drunk or sober. Only difference is her trying to kiss me today which has never happened before.

    Bleh. Today when we were sitting on the couch I wanted to just lay my head on her shoulder and cuddle. Meanwhile she's texting her boyfriend (from MY phone because her phone went dead) and getting ready to go over to his house at midnight, no doubt to sleep with him. Hate this.
     
  4. BookDragon

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    Bleh. Today when we were sitting on the couch I wanted to just lay my head and her shoulder and cuddle. Meanwhile she's texting her boyfriend (from MY phone because her phone went dead) and getting ready to go over to his house at midnight, no doubt to sleep with him. Hate this.

    I've got nothing to say that will make that feeling any better, but god damn do I know how bad that feels. Sorry you have to go through it!!
     
  5. IsThisAName

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    Thanks girl. It sucks ass. She's spending the night Thursday. Hope she doesn't overdo it with the flirting cause I can't take anymore of the taunting/temptation and I sure as hell know that kissing her just for fun would only make things terrible for me.
     
  6. BookDragon

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    Yeah. I think flirting with someone you have no intention of doing anything with is pretty mean...I used to have a friend who did exactly the same to me (and she went weird with it)...note the words "used to"...hopefully yours won't come to that!
     
  7. IsThisAName

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    Nah, it won't. We actually stopped talking for several years and recently reconciled about 3 months ago and have been inseparable ever since. We agreed that we were never going to let anything separate us again because the connection we have as friends is unlike any other friends we've ever had. So I will make sure it doesn't come to that point. I'm not head over heels in love with her. Just mushy feelings and jealousy. I'm trying to get a handle on things before it escalates to anything hardcore!