Hello all! This is my first time posting here and I'm looking for some advice about how to feel more comfortable with myself. I will start by saying I am 22 years old, a female, and I have a son. I have known I was attracted to women since I was about 9 years old, but I always fought it. I remember being a vivid daydreamer, but trying to replace my images of kissing other girls with boys. I dated a girl when I was 14, but subsequently went through a masochistic phase of promiscuity with men, depression, confusion, and emotional isolation. I'm happy now, healthy, and productive. I work as a preschool assistant and am in my senior year of college for Elementary Education. My son is getting to the age where I am starting to think of myself as more than a mom, and thinking about dating again. I've had two recent intense crushes on women, who both have turned out straight. Luckily, the knowledge of this kills the attraction instantly for me. But I have two major problems: 1. I'm severely isolated and beginning to doubt that I will ever find another lesbian single mom or lesbian who wants to date a single mother. I envy my beautiful cousin, in a healthy, happy lesbian relationship. 2. Deep down, I'm ashamed of my sexuality. It's hard for me to admit I'm gay, be open, and I keep thinking it must be a result of a hormone imbalance, even though I know this is irrelevant and flawed thinking. Related to number 2--I recently subtley "came out" -- not by saying "I'm gay" just by mentioning my crushes or attractions with feminine pronouns casually on facebook. This was a big step, especially because I go to school for Elementary education with a lot of conservative christians. I'm not really close to anyone, so I'm not sure who I'd come out to in person, etc. I just feel like I need to work on myself and don't know why I feel homophobic about myself but not others in any way?
You will find someone eventually. I don't know why the fact that you are a mother would be a turn off. Mothers are great people. You don't have to be ashamed. This is who who are, and it isn't even that big of a part. Hating someone, including yourself, because you're gay is like hating someone because they like toffee instead of chocolate. There are other ways that you can subtly advertise- a rainbow bracelet or necklace-there are lots of these for good prices on etsy- an equality sticker on your car, etc. The right person will come along. Good luck!
