It is so hard for me to write. Probably I will feel like naked after posting this but, at this point, I don't care. It seems like I don't care about anything. I'm just going crazy. I'm lost and, I'm sure as hell, I don't even know, what I'm doing. If you read this... I will appreciate it. Sorry if it's too long... No matter how hard I try, I just keep being so homophobic to myself, I can't stand it. When I discovered I'm gay, my feelings toward girls became so intense... It just drives me crazy. I feel like an alien. I can't trust my parents with my problems. I don't have many friends and, I really don't think they care. They think it's easy. My biggest problem is my boyfriend. I know I'm stupid, I'm gay and, I have a boyfriend. When I started to date him, I thought I was bisexual but, I think I just mistaken platonic love with romantic love, as usual for me. I feel myself dying in this relationship. He kisses me, I turn away. He asks me out, I say I can't, he asks why, I don't know what to say. I'm not ready to come out. I said that there is a thing that I will say to him and, after this, everything will end. First, he said he doesn't need sex. Later, he started to talk about pleasing me with his hands or mouth. Now...I'm scared because, he started to drink and, yesterday he told me, he thought if everything will end, to go with me to the place where we can be alone and, he could take my pants off and please me and, then say goodbye. The way he tells it, it sounds like rape. God, he is crying in front of me when we start this topic. He asks me what he can do to make it work but, I can't do this anymore. He even tells me that, he will kill himself. I'm scared. He keeps telling me that, he wants to be with me and, that he wants to be with me. I dreamed that he was kissing me and, I was just laying there, I didn't feel anything, I was "not there". I feel nothing kissing him and, I am not attracted to his body... it just looks like something is not right. I know I have to break-up with him but, I am so weak. I'm scaried of being alone. But at the same time, I know I can't do this anymore. I don't love him. I'm hurting. I just can't find courage in myself to end this all. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm waiting for now. I even think world would be better without me... I don't want to feel this way. What can I do..?
Aw, MLW. (*hug*) I had a pretty bad night too last night. As such, I'm not really in much shape to offer insight or advice or anything. But I'm thinking about you and your pain. I hope you find an agreeable solution. In the meantime, more (*hug*).
Thank you for noticing my post. I try to find a right solution but, I'm so lost, I can't even think normally, I'm getting close to doing something stupid I guess... I hope you get better soon too, hold on. (*hug*)
I am so sorry you find yourself in such harsh situation. It sounds to me like he is obsessed with you in a very unhealthy way. It is obvious that you have to end this relationship, but I understand why you're scared, I'm sorry to say this but he seems unstable, I believe he should see a therapist to help him. My advice would be to share your situation with a close friend in your life, one who could provide protection if needed, I mean you did mention rape... My best guy friend was in a somewhat similar situation. He and his girlfriend had a very dysfunctional relationship, constant fights and such, she would even hit him often. He told me he got to a point where he just wanted it all to end, and seriously considered suicide. He ended up moving across country (from Seattle to Massachusetts) basically on a whim to get away, that's how we met. He told me she would often threaten him saying she would kill herself if he leaves. Well she didn't kill herself, and my friend says now that he never felt better. I know it's not exactly the same as your situation but it reminds me of it. I am not saying you should drop everything and move far away, but you need to get away from him. No one should ever make you feel so low that you think the world would be better without you, it wouldn't. You deserve to be happy, to be loved and to love, don't give up on yourself. Like I said find a friend or family member who could provide you with protection and then end the relationship. (If you did not come out to your family, you don't have to, simply explain to them how unhappy you are with him, and how scared of him you are). If you don't have anyone like that in your life, try to find of support group or something like that in your town or close by. I wish you all the best, fight, happiness is out there, often hard to find, but its out there for everyone.
This is exactly how I felt last year, reading your post brought back all of the feelings I had. (*hug*) I regret staying with my ex-boyfriend for so long when I felt sad and the sex sickened me. I would suggest making a plan of the things you want to say to him when you leave the relationship. My ex begged me to stay and it was horrible, but you need to be strong enough to walk away. You don't need to tell him that you are gay if you aren't ready for that, lots of straight couples end their relationships.
He definitely sounds obsessed, and honestly, a little scary. Please, for your own good, put an end to things. And RUN, don't walk away. Do not feel bad or guilted by the threats he is making. If you are really concerned about him, maybe advise a close friend or family member of his that they might want to keep an eye on him. Aside from that, you owe him nothing. You owe yourself the freedom to be who you are. ---------- Post added 3rd Jul 2014 at 07:24 PM ---------- Also (((hugs))) you are brave for coming here and seeking to improve e your situation.
I think you should do what makes you happy. I know things may seem hard now but it will get better. If he threatens you or scares you in any way you need to leave him. You deserve the best because your worth it. Even though i am young i have experienced alot. My dad was a drug addict he raped my mom. If i know one thing unstable men and drugs/alchohol dont mix. You deserve to be happy after all you only live once and the perfect person is out there waiting. No matter what happens just know I am here for you and I want you to know you can do it and i wish you the best. Many people feel stuck just like you but i have faith that you'll be okay. Best of luck and lots of love.
