Okay so I'm not really posting this for advice, although it's welcome. I just feel the need to let this be known as I've literally told absolutely no one and it happened quite some time ago and still has an impact on my life. So I'm 15 and closeted. Never been with a guy. Or a girl for that matter. Generally people think I'm straight but I arouse suspicion In regards to my sexuality because I don't like sports and I'm a crazy motherfucker. Anyway, there's this guy In my year. I've never taken much notice of him until this year. He added me on Facebook and I added him on bbm. Thought nothing of it. Even now I don't know much about this guy, but my friend (who hates most people) says he's genuinely nice. Which really confuses me now. I do know that this guy's friends are assholes. So one day out of the blue, this guy messages me telling me Im cute. At first I'm shocked and elated but soon after it comes to me that this is probably a 'Brape'. I think that maybe his friends have told him to text me, or done it themselves, to find out if I'm gay or not. So I don't reply. A week passes, in which time I avoid so much as looking at him at school. I'm not a self conscious guy, but I know I'm not drop dead gorgeous, and he's a ride so I really didn't know what to think. I finally found the right words that weekend to reply to him without outing myself. I replied curtly, "are you taking the piss?" To which he replied he had been braped. I was crushed but not surprised. Weeks past and I found that whenever I passed this guy by in the halls, he would always look at me. I'd never return his gaze. I pretended that he didn't exist. That's how I work. When I like someone I can never look at them, especially wen I know they can't like me back. Maybe It's stupid but it's me. Anyway I eventually looked at him. Now I get hostile looks often enough. People I've never so much as talked to giving me dirty looks. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't care in the slightest but I'm aware of them. So when I finally looked back at this guy I was surprised that there was nothing but passiveness In his eyes. This sounds ridiculous and cynical. I know. But it's instinctive. I looked at him more times too. You know when you're looking at someone and they catch your gaze so you look away? He would never do that. He would just keep holding my gaze until I eventually looked away. Exams rolled in and we were put in the same exam class. He was at the top of the class, I was at the back. Whenever I was stuck on a question or thinking I would just look at him. Sometimes he would turn around and id put my head down. Embarrassed. It then seemed that every where I went, he turned up. The bathroom, the hall. Mcdonalds. One day I was sitting on the bench outside our School In the corner of the yard. I saw him on the other side of the yard and he saw me and walked over. Me being the tool I am left nearly as soon as he arrived. I still regret doing that. I could have gotten to know him. And it seems that since then we stopped bumping into each other. I kicked myself for weeks. Genuinely. I would go back to the bench and hope he would come but he never did. Soon it seemed like he was the one avoiding my gaze in the halls. Weeks passed and nothing happened. Through all this time I never knew what to think. Was he gay or straight? What was he doing? Were a these encounterings purely coincidental? I still don't know. I really fucking don't. So time passes and I try to forget him. But if you knew how ridiculously good looking this guy is, you would know how difficult forgetting him is. Especially when you see him everyday. So one day I'm walking with my friend (the one who hates most people) who is in this guys class. He suddenly says "oh guess what!!" And I said what? (Forgot to mention, I told my friend that the guy texted me saying I was cute. He agreed with my suspicion of it being a brape. Although he said he was surprised that this guy would do it as he's hilarious an really nice but that maybe his friends did). Anyway he told me that this guy got a blowjob from some drunk girl on st Patricks day and that he was shown pictures of it. Again I was confused as fuck, conflicted and shattered. So know I was almost certain that he was straight. However the information mentioned in the last few paragraphs again nagged me and made there be a slight chance of his homosexuality in my mind. Which pissed me the fuck off because at this point, I just wanted to know if he was gay or straight. If the latter was true I could just forget him completely. It would be fine over time. But I was still unsure. 90% straight but 10% gay. They say that hope is greater than fear. And I certainly had hope, no matter how miniscule. But I've learned something since. Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man. So life goes on and eventually I find myself at the same disco as this guy is. I look for him for one purpose. To see if he gets with a girl so I can finally be sure. And he did. Despite the pain in my heart I pushed him out of my mind and had a good night with my friends. Over the next few weeks and months, I slowly got over him although even now, 4-6 months later, despite having the evidence that he's straight I still wonder why all the other things happened if that were so. So that's really it. Maybe I'm over analasing a lot of these things. Thanks for taking the time to read it, I really just typed and typed without any thought of condensing it. I really just posted it because I havnt told anyone and I feel the need to let it out. Please comment below if you have any insight on the matter.
Oh. My. God. Dude. I'm going through the same thing right now, except my guy still looks at me yet continues to avoid me. It sucks having to see him everyday and wonder what their lives are like. My situation sucks because I'm still hung up on this guy and we just graduated high school, yet every time I see him, my heart burns because I don't get to hold his hand or hug him, and I have to keep my distance because him and I are like from two different worlds. I went to prom with my best friend, and when I saw him there with another girl, and we were slow dancing, I told her (She's the only one who knows I'm attracted to him) how much it killed me to see him with someone else. I just hope someday, no matter how strong my feelings are, that I'd be able to get over him, it just feels like it'll never go away doesn't it? But hope is a double edged sword, and if it goes wrong, it'll breed eternal misery.
God. It just sucks doesn't it? Well hey you're not alone. By the way I left out a short part of my story. On the same night at the disco, some girl came up to me and asked me to get with her. I was so shattered from seeing him with someone that I agreed. Only then, the girl walked away. I thought it was weird but soon stopped caring. I thought that maybe she was shy or maybe I was too slow to make a move, not that she gave me much time to. Only months later did another thought spring to mind. Did someone send her? Was I meant to say no and thus out myself? She seemed slightly surprised when I agreed. Was it anything to do with this guy or his nasty friends? I decided not to spend much time thinking about it because in reality, I'll never know. So what is the point wasting thought, time or emotion on it?
In regards to your shitty crush, perhaps he wasn't just gay, but like me, bisexual. Sounds to me like he's still trying to figure himself out, at least I could see that being a possibility. It's a good chance you caught his eye but he couldn't be sure, so out of fear he buried the feelings by avoiding you, and focusing on his attraction to girls instead, i.e. St. Patricks Day blowjob...good way to prove to his nasty buddys how straight he was, incase it had been a question, which it may have. Funny thing about those nasty friends of his, I'd be willing to bet dollahs to dohnits that at least one of those guys is closeted...well, wouldn't surprise me. Time will heal this wound, I know it hurts like hell inside now, but please try to give it some time and don't make yourself feel worse about it. There IS hope, and there IS a guy out there for you, someone very special, I'm sure that when you finally meet it will have been worth all the heartache and pain you're feeling now.
Well at least you can walk away from this with a better understanding of the type of guy you should be dating. Sounds like opposites attract in your case. You need a partner that needs his life spiced up a bit and that can hone that amazing wit of yours.
I fell for a guy at your age too... be glad that it's not your best friend... because that is so painful to go through when they're straight... But I do understand how you're hurting, and I'm sorry for you (*hug*) My advice is that you find out for sure before you REALLY get over him. You don't actually know that he's straight yet. You should get to know him and try to get to be friends with him rather than just acquaintances. You have an advantage that you have a mutual friend (by the way, does this mutual friend know that you're crushing on this guy?). You can get him to introduce you, and then you guys talk and after getting to know each other a bit can hang out more. After a while you can test the waters and probably get some more insight as to if he's straight or not Good luck
There must have been something to this guy, noone in the right mindset puts so much effort into a scam. But you'd be better off just moving on, and taking your time in doing so. It took me a year to forget about pretty painful (and on my part pretty stupid) experience, but I was not rushing it. Now I'm feeling ready for a new attempt.
Guys thank you so much. It's so refreshing to know that even when you are in the closet with both the doors shut that there are still people to talk to. In regards to the replies, no my friend doesn't know I'm gay. I told him that the guy texted me, but I acted like it didn't mean anything to me. I'm just not ready to tell people yet, even though I'm perfectly comfortable myself with my sexuality. Also I just remembered, it probably doesn't make much of a difference but it was a handjob, not a blowjob. Also in regards to getting to know this guy better, that crossed my mind too, but its been difficult. We are in different classes, so I only see him in passing. However we got our timetables for next year and we'll be sharing a geography class. So whether I like it or not, for the better or worse, I guess I will get to know him better Maybe he is bisexual. That crossed my mind as well but I was afraid to put hope into it. This is as cheesy as it gets but I sincerely believe everything happens for a reason. Possibly, this only occurred so I could grow and become a stronger person emotionally, or maybe there's more to it. Maybe something might happen that only time will reveal.
Ugh I hated growing up as a closeted gay teen. Homosexuality wasn't tolerated in my school, I developed this huge crush on my neighbor who was the same age as me when I was 14. I used to admire him from afar and when I finally got to know him, he was really nice to me so this just made my crush even worse. It broke my heart when he moved away and I cried that night... we did see each other 18 months later, and he made a fuss of me which brought the crush back but in the end aged 17 after telling me he wanted to keep contact, he blocked me off his MSN messenger list and that was the end of it. It is a harsh feeling being in the closet and wanting to have a relationship to help find yourself, much like our heterosexual counterparts.
yep, and to rub salt in the wound 3 months later it was New Years eve and he text me just before midnight to say he loved me!! I took it as an insult at the time. I text him back saying "be careful who you text things like that too" I didn't want to rise to it though, I was fuming!
Yea yea well I am falling practivaly in love with my best friend it sucks just be glad your not me lol. We talk everyday and hang out alot which makes it worse. But as soon as I got out of school and didn't see him everyday I have been on the verge of crying for the last two days(I am a pathetic mess of closed sociology right now).
I can't just ask him. We've barely spoken. Anyway school is over, I might see him at an upcoming disco and then I probably won't see him 'til Summer. I don't know what to do.
Recently I didn't know if a guy was gay or not. He was just my type too! I pulled him into a corner and just asked him. He told me he was straight, but wondered why a few people asked him the same thing. Now that's a hard question for me to answer without saying "I find you attractive" . I replied that it was because he took good care of himself and looked more groomed then guys that I knew were straight. He and I are now good friends and I get to look at him, all I like. He is eye candy, but totally straight, oh well!
Okay so we had that disco last night. Here's what happened (lower your expectations, this was NOT a fairy tale ending!) So I was having a great time dancing with my friends, I caught this guy out of the corner f my eye making his way to the bar (water and fizzy drinks bar, for the record xD) So I got one if my girlfriends to come out with me to get a drink. So was leaning against the wall drinking my sprite, trying to catch this guys eye, he sees me and I Give him my best flirty eyes (which were probably shit) and I walked back into the disco... Sure enough, coincidence or not he followed me out and started dancing near me. So I finish my can of sprite and I'm walking past him to get to the bin to dump my can when this complete randomer comes up to me and punches me three times in the face. I was flabbergasted (I love that word), anyway I was so shocked. He hit me right into a security guy.. Anyway sparing some irrelevant details l tragically manoeuvred my way to the bathroom, tears in my eyes and a bloody nose. So I'm thinking to myself, did anyone see me? I was very close to the guy I like but he didn't acknowledge me once for the rest of the night. God it was the shittest thing ever. I can handle bruises and cuts but this attraction is fucking killing me. I saw him later that night with a girl, not kissing but it looked like he was trying her on. So maybe i just imagined everything. I feel like shit though. (Nobody knows I'm gay btw or that I like this guy) All of my friends can get with whoever they want whenever. My best guy friend has this really amazing relationship with a girl in his year. And I'm jealous. I'm not the jealous kind but I'm so pissed off. It's this social stigma shite if you ask me. If it didn't exist, we would all be openly gay so there'd be no wondering of other's orientation and people like me wouldn't have to bottle this shit up. I know that I'm gay, and I'm Not the kind of person who will get with a girl because everyone else is, or to pretend I'm straight. I want my first kiss to be with someone I'm attracted to. But who knows when that will happen when nobody knows I'm gay and I'm not ready to come out. Anyway I needed to vent.. Thanks to everyone who replied and read my billion word essays. I'm done with this fuck face. Goodnight. ---------- Post added 20th Jun 2014 at 12:15 AM ---------- And I've had my fair share of crushes and disappointments but this is so much worse. I really fell for this guy and the worst part is that he led me on so much, knowingly or unknowingly, and did fuck all else.
Hey Grant, I've just found this thread again and I know its a bit old now. I hope you're ok after being hit in the face. Did you find out why that random guy did it? I hope the security guy kicked that person out and if I were you i'd press charges.
