Fair warning this thread will probably have no real structure but I have some things I need to let go. If this is the wrong place I apologize. I am sick of my life right now (absolutely no intention of harming myself). I am 33 and tired of not having anyone special in my life. I am coming out to more and more people every day and finally feeling like I'm becoming me, but I don't have anyone to share my life with. The last relationship I had that was more than a month long ended almost 4 years ago and that was with one of the women who had the misfortune of loving a gay man who couldn't love them back. I'd love to be more active in the gay community and meet someone but my job and the area combine to make that almost impossible. There is one gay bar in town and it is within walking distance and there is a group that meets regularly twice a month but I work nights and have a stupid schedule that makes getting to either on a day they are open almost impossible. I have been to the bar all of once and though I enjoyed the overall experience I hated the music. Besides if the hetero world is any example relationships started at the bar usually don't last much past the next morning. The guys I have dated all turned out to be cheating jerks and besides sometimes I feel like I'm "not gay enough" it seems that I am forced to either learn to speak with a "gay voice" and learn fashion or be alone because most of the gay men who are into the same things I am are still locked in the closet and have given up looking for the key. I have used casual sex to just cope and have been with more guys than I care to admit. It worked for a while but just like alcohol or drugs the illusion fades. I want something more! I know I come across blunt and standoffish but I'm like my grandma if you take the time to get to know me I am a good person with a fragile heart that cares deeply. Sometimes I think I am a dick to people just to protect myself from getting hurt and I go so far I lose them wich hurts. Not trying to put anyone down but I feel sad that the highlight of my day is coming home stripping to my boxers and taking to the people on EC (most of you are wonderful). I don't know... I sometimes feel like nobody could love someone like me and all I really want is to be loved by someone I love. I know it sounds simple but really it feels like I'm asking for the world and only have a few pennies to trade in return. Just a random rant by a lonely man who is starting to just go numb. I really don't know what I'm looking for in writing this. I guess I wanted to let out some feelings.
First thing, everything you said makes perfect sense. Second thing, (*hug*) I felt quite sad for you reading that Redneck and I wish there was some sort of magic wand I could wave that would ease that horrible feeling of loneliness you have right now. Please try not to lose hope. I know that must be difficult when you see time passing by with no success on the dating front. Maintaining hope is so important though. It doesn't sound like your work pattern is the best for meeting people and building a relationship. I also work strange hours and know how it intrudes on your personal and social life. It's not good when you are working while everyone else is having a good time. Do you otherwise enjoy your job, or would you be open to changing to something that gave you more social time for relationship finding and building? I'm not in the US, but I'm guessing the area you live in isn't a hotbed of activity for gay people. Again, is there any possibility of broadening your horizons? It's very hard when the love you have has no outlet and stays within. I really felt for you as I read your posting. No simple answers or solutions I'm afraid, but I hope it helped to vent and know that someone out there paid attention and wishes the best for you.
Not true, you have a lot more than a few pennies to trade in return and you know it. That is not true of anyone. This is probably going to sound too unromantic for your taste but you need to look at this as a marketing problem. You are trying to sell yourself as a dating partner to other gay men who are looking for a dating partner. If they aren't buying what you are selling you need to figure out why. I know using tactics to hook a guy sounds underhanded and deceitful but you yourself said they would learn to love you if they got to know you so the ends justify the means. First problem: your supply of potential dating partners is too small and you have too little access to them. You need to think about moving to another city. That may sound really stressful but do the math. You will have a much better chance of meeting someone in a bigger more liberal city. You are sending the wrong messages with all this negativity you have built up. Stop hiding the good person behind the blunt standoffish person. You don't like being superficially gay but being a dick to people you don't know is being superficially negative so you might as well turn that frown upside down. Accept the fact you will be hurt and that guys are jerks and love them back anyway. People aren't good or bad they are good AND bad. You just have to appeal to their better angles.
I agree that sometimes I need to back down, but frankly I don't agree with the rest of your post. Me pretending to be something I'm not has ran its course. That crap is why I'm 33 and just now coming out to family. It is why I put two women through a hell they didn't deserve and lost a life long friend in the process. Why should I have to misrepresent myself to people?
Sounds good. At least you know what you want, which is more than a lot of people can say. There are a lot of guys attracted to the grumpy old bear type especially if they are warm and cuddly on the inside. But you do still have a numbers problem. Ten percent are gay, half of those are men, probably less than twenty percent are into bears. Then they have to be unattached and your type also. Sounds pretty discouraging when you only have the one bar that you don't really like going to anyway and can't get to even if you did. Have you tried going to some bear events for a vacation? Guys attracted to your type concentrate at them and even if you didn't find someone, you will have fun being with other gay men like yourself. Check out Bearguide.net.
I definitely don't think you should try to come off as someone other than who you are. It seems pretty clear that you are looking for something real and lasting and that has to be grounded in who the two of you actually are and not who you think you should be or think the other wants you to be. As far as thinking there's no one out there looking for someone like you--I think we all have our notion of who our prince charming will be but the fact of the matter is that most of us, when viewed from the outside, don't find it. I don't mean we give up or compromise, I mean we find someone else, someone we didn't even know we were looking for. You have a list of all the things you are looking for and then one day you meet some guy and he's not all those things you thought he would be, in fact looking in from the outside he's just some guy, yet inexplicably he's what you want instead of that fantasy you've built up in your head. I'm pretty sure it works that way on the other side too.:icon_wink And if I can offer one more bit of encouragement--I found mine, and we've been together 16 years, in a bar. Keep hope alive!
