does it ever get better

Hi Silent - I am glad you came to EC and posted. Now you are not silent anymore! I cannot say I have come anywhere near to your level of abuse nor suffered close to your level of trauma but I do know how scars from childhood and early adulthood carry over for years. The best I can tell you is that with time, talk, therapy, love, friends, a lot of crying, a lot of venting, and a lot of learning to love and value yourself it can get better.

Your last three sentences give you a starting point.

You are drinking again - work on stopping.

You are in crisis with no where to turn - there are crisis hotlines you can call in most countries. Check to see if here is one available in your area.

You are scared - take a deep breath and really focus on this: You have lived through horrendous things and SURVIVED! You got through those things and you can get through this now.

You need to share your feelings and your fears. You need to vent. You need to find help so you can heal. You need to recognize that you deserve to be happy. You need to love yourself.

I wish for you only great things.

 

hey silent -

it was a solid, and courageous move to come here and post openly.
i was molested as a child, and raped repeatedly by my (ex) husband (resulting in our three children). i was continually diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, when in reality i had ptsd (and asperger's syndrome). i was even institutionalized because of this.

i have also drown myself in the bottom of a bottle to escape, to cope, or to just get so blindingly drunk i'd pass out.

i may not be able to relate to everything you've gone through, but it seems we definitely have some common ground. i understand your pain, and it is heavy to bear. however, that doesn't mean help isn't available to you, and i do hope you seek some out. i've called crisis lines myself, and i know it's difficult for some people to get over the hump of actually calling, but i promise it's worth it. you're worth it. you may feel like you're silently suffering, but you've taken a step forward today but choosing to shuffle out onto a limb, and ask for help.

you're a survivor, as i see it. you're also human, and sometimes we just need assistance from others, and that's okay.

 

Don't ever bottle up the feelings you are experiencing. If you feel as though you are in crisis do look up a crisis helpline and speak to them as openly as you can. I know the idea of speaking openly about these most intimate emotions may seem daunting, but the services offered are confidential and you can choose to remain anonymous in most cases.

The scars you are carrying are deep and personal and it's really no wonder you feel so bad right now. You have been hurt, abused and the trust you had, or placed in other people has been shattered. The simple act of posting your story on here may have seemed like a leap of faith and I hope you'll get nothing but support and kindness back from everyone who responds.

Know that people do survive what you have been through. The journey is hard with many twists and challenges and it is hard work, but, it can be done.

If you can, PLEASE, stop drinking. When you are in a low place, with feelings of crisis the very worst and most dangerous thing you can do is turn to alcohol. I'm not saying it to be preachy or judgemental, but the depressant effect of alcohol can really kick in and drag you down further into crisis. Talk, shout, scream, vent, cry or whatever you need, but please avoid alcohol while you are in this bad place.

Like the two posters before, I hope you can find a way forward. We're all here for you. (&&&)