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Need a new opinion

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Undertow, Jun 16, 2014.

  1. Undertow

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    I hope that "General Support" is the correct forum for this...

    Anyway.

    I probably said a lot of this in my introduction thread almost 2 weeks ago, but I don't think many people saw that (it was pretty wordy, one of my worse habits).

    I recently (beginning of June) moved in with a new roommate after living alone for quite some time. I've lived with other people before, and I was expecting an adjustment period where I would be anxious and uncomfortable (not uncommon, I'm sure). However, the last time I moved in with someone new, I was at least talking to her after the first few days.

    I'm worried that I made a mistake jumping into this living arrangement, because I was sorta desperate. There was family of four that needed the house I was living in, and I didn't need so much space as single person. That meant I needed to move by the end of May, and I had recently been denied a room rental after asking if they were LGBT-friendly (a paranoid mistake on my part, it would seem).

    This girl who I recently moved in with actually put "you need to be LGBT-friendly" in her ad, so I figured it was a safe bet. I wasn't sure how she identified (nor did it matter) but I felt more at ease about the whole situation. Despite the very small size of the apartment, I took the room right away.

    Okay, that was lengthy. Here's the actual request for advice...

    There are a few issues that are getting to me (I suppose I stress too easily).
    First off, I'm pretty spineless...I mean, I really suck at asserting myself. I'm working on it, but it's tough for me. I'm afraid to ask this girl to turn down the rap at 1 AM (I don't like the genre, but that's too bad. The problem is the noise at late hours). I'm afraid to ask her for space in the bathroom (she has a lot of stuff, so I understand somewhat).
    I'm afraid to pick up her stuff that she leaves on the floor, even though it's in the way...I don't want her to get angry. Told you I was spineless.

    I'm also unsure whether or not she should know that she's living with another lesbian. Would she care? Would it make her uncomfortable? I feel like I'm worrying too much about this bit, but it's getting under my skin for some reason. I'm kind of intimidated, because I'm still coming out, and she seems to have been out for awhile.

    In addition, she has two cats (the ad said there was just one). I'm not a cat person, I will admit, but I don't mind them. They usually mind me. One of them likes me, the other has bitten (not play-biting, either) me several times already. The space to maneuver here is limited, so it's hard to avoid them. I'm also slightly allergic, a fact that I found out several days ago.

    I'm not sure whether to trust my instinct to flee elsewhere. It's failed me before.

    I don't mean to complain...that wasn't my intention. I just explain a bit too thoroughly sometimes, and I would really like another opinion on this matter.

    Sorry for the super-wordy post. I'm just not sure what to do.
     
  2. PatrickUK

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    I know you said you are working on being more assertive, but this situation really doesn't require assertiveness from you, just a few simple and fairly gentle questions, prefaced with something like - "Is it okay with you if..." or "Would you mind/have any objection to..."

    If you really need to assert yourself in this situation, then it is definitely time to move on, but I don't think you are at that stage just yet. Having said that, if you are struggling with an allergic reaction to the cats, you might need to think about it.
     
  3. Radioactive Bi

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    I agree with Linco. Is also say to try wnd build a bit of a rappor with her before you ask her to do anything. Perhaps, try end get to know her a bit if she is willing.

    As for whether to tell her she is living with a lesbian, that's really up to you. I personally think it's a non-factor but if it would make you feel better then by all means.....

    Hope everything goes well..

    Happy days :slight_smile:
     
  4. Monraffe

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    I would get out. Your roommate is inconsiderate and the situation is unlikely to improve much even if you complained. Use the cats to avoid confrontation. Tell her that you are allergic and need to move out for health reasons. If she give you a hard time tell her that she didn't disclose the second cat in the ad. You have a solid argument there and that should be enough to get her to back down. But be sure to get plenty of pictures of the two cats just in case she tries to sue you. I know, that sounds extreme but better safe than sorry. Take your time looking for a new apt this time. Good luck!
     
  5. kyrtap

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    Well I would try talking to her like others have suggested, however it seems to me that she's not a very nice person, I mean loud rap at 1 am come on now, she should have some consideration for your presence. Like I said talk to her 1st if that doesn't work move out, it will suck but you should not have to be living somewhere where it's so uncomfortable for you. Your next place might be worse but then you just look for something else. Eventually you will find something that will meet your needs. Good luck.
     
  6. ginger cthulhu

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    She may not even be aware that her lifestyle is bothering you. I only say this because I have asperger's syndrome, and sometimes I'm seen as inconsiderate, when in reality I'm just unaware. Once someone has brought it to my attention, I apologize and rectify the situation. I'm not saying your roommate has autism spectrum disorder, but maybe her last roommate didn't mind so much, or maybe she lived alone before you and she herself hasn't adjusted to living with another person?

    The cat thing sounds like a royal pain the ass. I have no real advice on that, other than do NOT throw the cats out the window. I hear people don't like it when you do that.

    Asking for some space in the bathroom is totally acceptable, and it shouldn't be something you should have to worry about being assertive over. A simple "would you mind?" will probably suffice.

    If you want to tell her your a lesbian, gauging by the request that the tenant be LGBT friendly, it's probably safe if you *want* to ... but it's not necessary, I don't think.

    Best of luck dear.
     
  7. Undertow

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    Thank you all for your advice! (It's very good advice).

    I think for now I'm going to try to make some of those small requests, which I guess are pretty reasonable, even if I feel pushy. If some of her messier/louder habits continue to be a problem, I guess I will have to find a new place...I know it's not the end of the world, I just get super anxious.

    The idea of citing the cats and my newly discovered allergies as a reason to move (if it comes to that) is a good one. I will keep that in mind if I wind up having to relocate.

    It's also quite true that my sexuality is a complete non-issue. I'm not sure why I'm so hung up on it...she probably wouldn't care even if she knew.

    Thanks again, everyone! Sorry for babbling about my anxieties >.<