Hi, Some time ago, I had a crush on a guy I barely knew. Let's call him "A". But I was still deeply in the closet, and had little interest in pursuing a relationship with another man. A eventually started making moves on me, but I was so overwhelmed with my emotions on the one hand, while still being in the closet, and I was unable to respond. After some time, I came out to myself, and realized that I did want to be with this guy. Not only that, I thought I could spend the rest of my life with him... I started fantasizing about A constantly. I knew it was unrealistic, but it felt so good to be in love that I didn't care and allowed myself to keep doing it. Eventually, I decided to be the one to pursue him for once. However, by now, A was the one rejecting me (I didn't outright ask him out and get rejected, but his response made it clear he was no longer interested). Despite barely knowing him, I was heartbroken. This was the first guy I had really made myself vulnerable to, so it hit me hard. I don't usually let people get close to me. I have a lot of friends, but none are really super close. After this, I spent some time trying to get over him, but even after I did, I spent many months repeating every day that I won't make myself vulnerable to someone I'm not already close to (as in already dating or hanging out with, with clear mutual attraction). I don't want to be hurt like that again, especially if I'm not even in a relationship with that person. I still repeat this every day, because although I no longer desire to be with A, I still remember the pain he caused me. The unfortunate result of this has been that I have difficulties opening up at all. I can still have small crushes, as in "oh that guy is hot/interesting", but nothing that comes even close to what I felt about this random guy I "fell in love" with (of course, I realize I couldn't really love someone I barely knew, but it was the closest I've been to loving someone). :icon_sad: Even when guys that I do know, who are better looking than A and I have more things in common with approach me, I am just unable to connect. For example, there's a guy (let's call him "B") who I actually know, and had a massive crush on before meeting A. He's much more good looking, has a lot of things in common with me, and has recently gotten very flirty with me, telling me he loves me and hugging me regularly. I try to respond but it just feels forced. I never take the initiative with B, as I had finally found the courage to do with A. Somewhere in the back of my head, I guess I'm still afraid of being hurt. When I meet random guys I find somewhat interesting but am unable to sustain a connection with (not B), I always think to myself afterwards "oh well, this is nothing close to what I felt with A anyway", or "at least I won't get hurt by this random dude like A hurt me". I try to remove these negative thoughts from my mind, but it has proven difficult. I do think that this experience taught me some important lessons. Obviously it's not healthy to fall in love so carelessly, and I realize that I'm now stronger as a person and more confident in my sexuality. I just want to remove these healthy lessons, and remove the unhealthy thoughts. But I feel like this experience is still holding me back. I want to open up, but part of me is still unable to lose the fear of being hurt again. I can easily come across as a pretty "cold" person, but once I've let someone in I'm actually very loving (too loving, probably), so it hasn't been easy for me to get over something like this. Anyone with similar experiences who knows how to move on from something like this?? :help:
It is really hard, and it will take a llong time. I don't want to share my story, but it was similar to yours. Just try to keep on with your life as bbest you can, and eventually you will heal. At some point, you will find yourself falling in love again. Life goes on. Love returns. Don't rush into a new reltionship before you are ready, you and your partner both will be hurt.
Thanks for the encouraging words. I do know that I don't want to be with him anymore, I've seen him a couple of times since I got rejected and my heart didn't skip a beat or anything. It's just the fear of letting someone else in that has stuck with me, and I don't know how long it's going to stay like this. Hopefully not much longer. Thanks again.
Trooper, I think you need to understand the difference between not giving your heart away lightly and not giving your heart away at all. I think the experience with A did serve as a personal lesson for you, but maybe you have allowed it to go too far. You've taken the hurt on board so much that it could spoil the possibility of something really meaningful developing with B, who is now giving you some fairly strong signals. Throughout life we will experience hurt and pain - it can't be avoided altogether. No matter how much we try to protect ourselves it will find a way through. Of all the painful feelings we can/will experience, loss is the one that's sure to hit us at some point and we have to deal with it. We do that by acknowledging how we feel and accepting it too - these things are important. I think perhaps the one thing you haven't taken from what happened is that moving on from the hurt is the end goal. If you don't allow yourself to move on you remain trapped in the same place with all your vulnerability, so the 'lesson' you learned from that experience hasn't really taught you the most important thing of all - that moving on is necessary. You need to be prepared to give way a little (not completely) and lower the barrier so someone else can come into your life. With that person you take the time to create new hopes and dreams that will heal the scars of rejection. Hope you can get there.
Thank you so much. It just feels ridiculous to still be traumatized over this, after all this time (I'm talking since the end of last year). It's not like we were even dating, let alone in a relationship. I convinced myself a long time ago that this was an important lesson for me, and that I need to put myself out there in order to move on. I do try to socialize more with new guys and be more relaxed. I will admit that one tactic I use to relax is "no matter what happens, this guy can't hurt me the way A did", which is probably not helping my situation since it means I'm still not forgetting A. The problem is that with guys I'm 'already there' with, like B, I just can't bring myself to open up and take things further. I'm just not ready for that, and I don't know when I will be. It feels like it will have to come naturally, I can't just make my heart open up on command. Thanks for the advice and kind words.
Update a couple of months later: Still have issues opening up. I struggle with responding to B's continuing advances, because I have a hard time opening up to a crush again. I've caught myself wondering several times what B really sees in me, why he goes so far from me etc. But I have at least stopped obsessing about A. Although I still suffer the consequences (but most importantly lessons) of that experience, I understand that there was nothing really special about him, and he just happened to be the first guy I really fell for. So I hope that one day, sooner or later, I will be able to open my heart to somebody else. But since I have no interest in just hooking up right now, I admit it can get somewhat lonely..
I know this is perhaps the last thing you want to hear because it's such a cliche, but it really does just take time. Some people are more emotional than others, everyone heals at a different pace, etc. You can't control the impact that another person had on you, so why beat yourself up about it? Sometimes it takes falling for another person who will completely blow the old person out of the water... so just be patient and hang in there! It gets easier. It really does. And that's coming from a super emotional person who feels everything deeply and has a hard time letting go.
Thanks a lot, that's what I've been thinking too. Nice to see there are others like me. People don't think I'm this emotional, it's just when it comes to love that I become such a wuss.
