Hi there. I'm an adolescent FtM who is between 13 and 18 years old. I am not on testosterone. (Sorry, not too keen on giving an exact number.) Lately, I've been getting spontaneous bursts of uncontrollable anger. It's not the "This makes me pissed off" sort of anger, but the "I want to hurt someone" sort of anger. And it's worrying me. I don't like saying I have problems with anger management, but I don't think I can avoid that anymore. I get angry at every damn thing, and if someone insults me, I automatically feel the need to cuss them out and/or get physical. Just today, my mother called me on the phone and her voice sounded quite harsh against my ear. I quickly became irritable and I snapped at her a few times. When the call ended, I began to yell at my sisters for no reason. Here's the twist. I don't feel guilty about it. I'm usually very empathetic and I over-apologize all the time, but when I get angry, it feels like this empathy is turned into apathy. Even when I calm down, I feel nothing. I'm concerned. What if I hurt someone? That frightens me most. I don't want to get into a good relationship and then fuck it all up just because the person I'm with dropped a damn towel or something. That's just bullshit. And it's unfortunately very possible. I already asked someone with anger management issues to give me advice. She says that I could buy a doll to stab, scream inside my room, or just start cussing. None of it sounds very satisfying, and I already tried one (cussing) and I can't do another (screaming). Plus, stabbing a doll is pretty creepy even for my standards, and it wouldn't do anything to quell my desire to hurt something. I know this sounds bad, but it's only when I'm angry. I will never harm another living being on purpose. But, I can't go to therapy for this. My parents don't know and I want to take care of it myself without relying on them. So does anyone have any suggestions on how to control or satisfy anger? Or, better yet, how to prevent it?
Wait until you understand your desires before you react. If you want to cuss someone out, ask yourself what will result. Do you want them to behave differently next time? If so, you can show your displeasure without being mean. If they shouldn't do anything differently because it's petty crap, you'll recognize it as such and maybe temper your anger with reason. Just reacting to your instincts may result in a little cathartic release, but it won't do anything in the long term except make it worse. I used to have the occasional outburst. None I'd call unjustified, but soon enough I realized that I have accomplished a lot more with forgiveness and inner peace. The only kind of anger you need to keep is that which gets you off your butt and doing something productive about the problem. And that doesn't mean hurting anybody; it means working with the person, especially if they are family or somebody else you can't just disregard. I know my advice is probably very incomplete compared to what you need, but I hope it helps.
No, thank you very much. I appreciate your input. When I feel the need to react violently with someone, it's almost always someone I'm not close to, so I don't give a flying popsicle stick about how they react or what they say. But if it is someone I know, then I feel like I have to prove that I'm capable of being aggressive too. Everyone knows me as a submissive, relenting person, and I loathe that. Something is compelling me to tell them that I'm not submissive and I'm not relenting, even if I think there's nothing actually wrong with that. I'm just afraid I may overdo it. I forgive quite easily if they apologize, but if they don't, I hold a grudge. I don't act on it much, but my tone is usually more biting and I'm more prone to snap at them until they ask me what my problem is or they say sorry. Maybe my problem isn't with anger management, but being less stubborn. Ugh.
Lol, that might be it. You don't need to "prove you can be aggressive too" as it's not a competition to see who's a bigger asshole. It's just usually a stirring up of feelings that color somebody's behavior. If I ever tear into somebody, it's not to challenge their dignity as a person; it would only be to make clear how strongly I feel about something they did. If they react badly to me, it'll make me mad, but at that point you've already established you can't just ramp up the intensity and expect them to see your point. That's when you've got to back up and make sure you understand each other, otherwise you're a couple of monkeys flinging poo. That's also the part where they may bring up a point you didn't see until then and you can end up being the one to apologize, at least in part. o.0 You mentioned that it's usually people you're not close to. In some cases, it might be better just to let them be wrong. Eventually the truth will come to them in a less gentle way.
If I can't prove I'm aggressive, people will pick on me. At least that's what my mother says. I'm tired of being viewed as someone that can be pushed around. I used to just take the blows, but now I feel an urge to fight back. I don't know if that's normal or what. I understand you can't solve everything with violence, but that's what my body is telling me. Everything is screaming at me to retaliate, and if I don't, I get even angrier afterwards and I begin to hurt myself. I just don't know how to deal with this. Mindsets aren't so easily changed, and the fact that I have no idea where to start doesn't do anything to help it.
Hmm, that does sound like a tough situation. Oddly enough I'll be the first one to answer violence with violence. If somebody deliberately threatens you (physical or verbal abuse), they deserve all it takes to get them to stop. If somebody's just saying mean things to you that's another story of course, because yelling matches are no fun and are almost as tiring as actual fighting X.X What I'm talking about are muddier scenarios where it's not immediately clear if one person is right and the other is wrong. What it sounds like you're talking about isn't aggression, but assertiveness: belief that your opinions and well-being are as important as anybody else's. Sending back a poorly-made meal at a restaurant is assertive and ensures you get full value from the restaurant; smashing the plate is aggressive and might get you kicked out. I hope I'm understanding; could you give an example scenario of where you are given this kind of "blows" and feel the need to fight back?
Ah... anger. My old pal. How I know thee so well. You say you can't go to therapy. That would be the first thing to look into. Most have said they have success doing that. My experiences with therapy have been lackluster or disappointing. This is going to be easier said than done, but it has to be done. When you get the emotional sensation to want to lash out and hurt, you have three options. One, you hold it in and hope it doesn't break through. Quietly letting it simmer down into a smaller, though still existent flame. Two, you let it out in some manner, i.e. hitting something, screaming, writing a venting letter or drawing a relieving image. This allows you to do something productive with that sudden surge of energy, and who knows? Maybe you're the next Picasso. Finally, you can just let it fester. Let it rush through your body, enter your thoughts, and devour your soul. Just... let it engulf. This isn't healthy, and it becomes incredibly difficult to restrain yourself. I would instead suggest, figuring out what triggers these things, and asking yourself -- deeply, honestly -- why you may be reacting like this? You have to discover what causes before you become a lost cause. I know, that was kind of corny, but I didn't want to bombard you with super-seriousness the entire way. Basically, you need to explore what triggers this inclination to be aggressive, and how they relate to your life and your perception of self. Therapy could help you with that, but again, since you mention the no therapy, you will have to handle this on your own. It is possible. I've done it. But it isn't easy, and it isn't a real enjoyable time. However, keep two things in mind: Anger is perfectly normal. It can provide a large amount of motivation in a short amount of time; you just have to have the strength to use it productively, as opposed to destructively. Rage, however, will only hold you back. Secondly, you mention not wanting to be thought of as submissive or relenting. Remember, when you allow your emotions to control you, instead of you controlling them, you are being submissive to another. This isn't to kick sand in your face, it's to give you the motivation you need to pick yourself up, and kick your anger's ass!
That restaurant situation actually made sense. oops. There was this one time that people were just... picking on me. They just kept laughing and talking about me behind my back. I know I shouldn't jump to conclusions, but if you were there, I think you would understand. Their tone, looks, and body gestures made it all too clear they were disdainful towards me. Once, I let my anger control me and I kicked their chair really hard. They looked shocked at first, and that's when I felt a little bit better, but then they started to laugh and continued to mock me by "jokingly" kicking each other. Another time is when this little piece of shit (sorry) was saying offensive, homophobic things during a movie. I wasn't too concerned about watching the movie, because I already saw it a billion times, but what they were saying directly affected me and I told him to shut up. Immediately, he lashed out and told me to shut up and proceeded to call me racial slurs. I think I was really close to getting suspended that day. He kept kicking my chair and spouting out bullshit. I was really angry. I think the only thing that kept me from attacking him was his friend, who kept repeating, "Hey, dude, just leave it." Plus the fact that it would look terrible if I had a suspension on my record. My sister also seems to like dissing my gender identity. I already told her to fuck off about it (in gentler, more polite words, of course) but she still says stuff. "Well, I don't care what people call me," she said about two billion times. Her tone was clear that she thought she was better than me simply because I was dissatisfied about my birth gender. And once, I mentioned that my internet friends were similar to me, and she said, "So they're female?" It was a really infuriating moment and I think I might've shoved her, but we were in a car with our parents listening and watching so I just didn't say anything. The anger lasted the entire day and I kept yelling at her. That's pretty much the three types of situations I get into. Passive aggressiveness, aggressiveness, and passiveness. I'm quite sure my sister isn't aiming to ridicule me, but damn it, it really feels like it. I regret coming out to her. She's mature for her age, but I guess not mature enough. It's not like I'm entirely mature either. The worst thing about it is that I'm quite sure that, if I ever get into a physical fight, I don't think I will win. I just want to fight. I don't care if I lose. The pain seems to calm me down, I guess, and it gives me a clearer mind. Is that normal? I have no idea. Thanks so much. I suppose that's one way to go about it. I'll try to keep that in mind the next time I feel that way and try not to make excuses to run around it. Haha.
