I try to treat everyone with respect but all I seem to get back is people taking advantage. Iv always been known as the nice and shy guy and sometimes I feel used. I have this annoying need to be liked so I try so hard not to offend people. Im also quite shy and anxious around people so the thought of offending someone is terrifying. Anyone got any tips on being more assertive and to not give a shit about what people think?
This sounds like me. Are you sure you aren't me? Just kidding. Haha. Okay, but seriously? I have the same problem. Think about it this way. If they're a shitbag, then they're a shitbag. Do you really want to please a someone who disses your identity or others' identity? Will you really care if they were offended when they probably already offended a lot of innocent people? I act nice to the people who aren't necessarily offensive, but they still push me around. In this case, I think you'll just have to retaliate them. Look at them in the eye and challenge them to keep using you - verbally or nonverbally, it doesn't really matter. People tend to mess with people who they think are easily controlled. Show them that you can only be controlled by yourself. But, uh, I don't mean getting into fights. Let's avoid fights.
Is there anything in particular that's made you feel like this today Mightyfox? Just wondering if something has prompted you to post this now. Don't beat yourself up for being a nice guy - we need more like you. Yes, there is sometimes a need for assertiveness, but some people use it far too often to get their own way. Just remember, no matter how hard you try to please people, you can't do it all the time. You don't have to adopt an attitude, you just need to be a little less concerned about others and more concerned for yourself.
I can't say it better than Dr. Aziz: [YOUTUBE]1bXFabDpj-Q[/YOUTUBE] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1bXFabDpj-Q
I know what you mean. I'm the type of person who's reactions on the freeway are more of "Holy cow! That guy just crossed six lanes of traffic while cutting off an ambulance and a bus full of senior citizens! I wonder why he did that?" Versus, "This idiot is going 55 in a 70 zone.... By Grek'thor's hammer, I shall be avenged!" It kinda stinks being the one (and sometimes the ONLY one) who actually cares about what others think of you. I will actually lie sometimes in order to avoid feeling someone is disappointed in me.
This is me all over. I think sometimes when people say 'you're too nice,' it's just an excuse. They're trying to justify their own bad attitude by demonizing certain positive character traits. Anyhow there's a difference between being a decent human being with manners and a pushover. I don't know. It would be interesting to hear other people's thoughts on this.
It helps a lot to see things from the other persons perspective. There are a lot of evil acts in this world but interestingly, very few truly evil people. Good people self-justify bad behavior in order to reconcile their behavior with their beliefs. Most of the time they do this unconsciously. You do it too and so do I. So when you see someone taking advantage of you, you can bet they don't see it that way at all. The best way to handle it is to set up some ground rules for yourself. Be nice but don't let them cross a certain line. In short, anticipate there will be bad behavior, choose when to be nice and when to be a bitch, and be willing to take some losses without getting too upset about it. It happens. I'll give you an example of mine. A coworker who is generally known to be selfish, borrowed $20 from me on a business trip we were on together. I had a feeling he set this up and sure enough when I asked for the money back he said he already paid me back. I anticipated this would happen so I waited until we were in a taxi with our boss before asking for it. I made a big deal about his "faulty memory" in front of the boss and he backed down and gave me the 20 back. A few times after that I remind him to get money before we go anywhere because I'm not lending him anything again. I did this in front of other people too, making it a point to embarrass him. No doubt he thought I was treating him unfairly and from his perspective I guess I was. But I doubt he will ever try and borrow anything from me again. Sometimes you have to put people in their place. At least that's how I justify my own bad behavior. :icon_wink
Body language. The key to being perceived as more assertive is body language. Watch this video. It's amazing what such small things will do to how people see you. Things such as taking up more space on a bench or not looking down so much or making more eye contact can really affect your presence. I have noticed a huge difference in both 1) my ability to pass as male and 2) my own confidence after watching that TED talk. You don't have to be mean, but there are things that you can do to make yourself less "invisible."
Thanks for your advice everyone. I had a bit of a bad day yesterday and someone pissed me off at work. They basically tried to get away with something with me because they thought that I wouldnt do anything but I told my supervisor and it was ok afterwards. Thanks again everyone.
You sound so much like me, except I'm not at all shy. I'm actually extremely outgoing. XD I let people take advantage of my kindness all the time. And while I hate it, sometimes I really love my kindness. I wake up everyday feeling good about myself a lot of the time because, even though I've been taken advantage of by some people, there are some people who really depend on me and come to me in times of need when they need someone to listen. I get a "helpers high" when I'm able to help people. Please don't change who you are. I know it doesn't matter much, but I have so much respect for you. The fact that you came on here telling us about your troubles tells me that you really don't want to change your kindness, because that's who you are. Though, you can be more assertive while being kind. Be kind, but don't let them get away with it. It seems that you've already done that by telling a supervisor. That's a great start!
There is a difference between being a doormat and being legitimately nice, you're gonna have to give some example situations for my internet expertise degree to decipher which is which. If you told your supervisor about the situation then you're already more assertive than the biggest doormats.
