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ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics)

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by DominoSuis, Jun 20, 2014.

  1. DominoSuis

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    Thread title says it all...

    Are there any other adult children of alcoholics out there? It's a bit rough right now and I could use some cathartic ranting/sympathy.

    My sympathies to you if you've grown up or experienced a loved one suffering alcoholism regardless of the relationship/family member. It's a tough situation and very distressing to experience.
     
  2. Kaiser

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    One of the reasons I have a difficult time being around alcohol is, well, I was always around it growing up. Most kids, if they do come across it, will do so either through close figures or their friends wanting to sneakily experiment. Me, however, I was around both. My father left my life when I was 3, so I don't recall much growing up. My mother liked to drink, but she wasn't as bad as her "party-goer" friends who flocked to our home. My mother's vice was hard drugs and stealing, but she has gotten better. For that, I'm glad.

    An uncle of mine was killed in a car accident many, many years ago. Apparently, from what I was told, he was riding along with a family friend, to go pick up some more liquor... and, well, only one of them made it. This broke my aunt, or so my grandmother has told me a few times, and she was never the same again. Now that I'm older, I've seen bits and pieces of her chipping away, but from other stuff. I assume my uncle's death was the first crack in her armor, so to speak.

    Alcohol was also involved in a wreck that killed a neighborhood kid (he was about 12), who lived only a few blocks away from me, from where I was growing up. What makes it even more tragic is, the kid was picking up alcohol for his parents, from a neighborhood friend, when he was hit by a drunk driver. The mother was devastated, and wound up turning to drinking even more heavily, and has since passed away due to it. The father, thankfully, is doing better, but that was years ago. I have no recent update on his well being.

    Needless to say, alcohol has not made a favorable impression on me. It doesn't help, when I try it, it makes my stomach upset. But I know it can be a relief for some, if handled responsibly and in moderation. So, you could say, I understand your predicament.
     
  3. BelleFromHell

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    Yep. Both my dad and step-dad.

    I lived with my dad back in 2013, and whenever we went to the beach, he'd drink at least 5 cans before driving home, sometimes an entire 12-pack (yeah, "I can't afford to pay your child-support" MY ASS). Eventually, I got sick of putting my live in danger for the sake of not sounding rude, so I told him I'd never go to the beach with him again. Once, he showed up at the house while I was watching TV and tried to "do it" with my step-mom on the couch saying "You don't have the right to say anything! What we're doing is NATURAL!"

    My parents have been divorced since I was 3, and shortly after, my dad got into a bar fight and went deaf in his right ear (karma's a bitch, you dumb, drunk jock! *snicker*). Normally, I wouldn't make fun of someone with a disability, but, damn, he deserved it. Hell, I wish I could take a bottle and make him deaf in his other ear. Maybe one day...

    My step-dad will bet the living shit out of anyone while he's drunk, and when he comes to his senses, he'll say "It's not my fault, I was drunk!" He also screams "You're a ugly, worthless retard, just like your dad!

    I'm not going to talk anymore.
     
  4. Anthemic

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    I've dealt with an alcoholic father for the first 14 years of my life. He never drank until he was in his 30's. It all started when his golfing buddies gave him some wine coolers, and after that, he kept drinking.

    I think my dad always had something wrong with him, at least from an early age. When he was 15 he was walking home with a friend from school, and his friend asked him to stay at his house. My dad said he had to go home for a few minutes to eat dinner, and that he'd be back afterwards. When my dad went back to his friend's house, he found him dead; he had committed suicide. I think my dad has always blamed himself for it. He thinks that had he just stayed with his friend, he'd still be alive today. After that, something changed in him. He became more aggressive and started acting out with rage. When he was 17, his first love had to move away, and things only got worse. He started hitting his own mother and calling her names.

    At 18, he met my mother. My mother said he was mean sometimes, and that she thought he was bipolar. They got married at 24 and had me and my sister (twins) when they were both 29. My dad started drinking shortly after. My mother tried divorcing him when I was 4 months old, and he begged to stay with her. She took him back, but the drinking got even worse. He'd go into the cellar under our house and drink for hours. She finally divorced him when I was 4 years old, but he didn't take it well, so we had to move in with my grandmother for a month. He actually kidnapped me and my sister when we were 4, and we went on a high speed police chase for a few hours, while he was drunk.

    Things only got worse after that. But he died when I was 14 because he bled to death. He already had cirrhosis to his liver and a cyst in his esophagus (caused by drinking) ruptured. The blood couldn't be filtered by his liver since it was so damaged, so it came back up, and he drowned.
     
  5. Chip

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    Yup. It's a blessing and a curse.

    A blessing because much of my hypercompetent and high-achieving behaviors are a byproduct of growing up with an alcoholic father.

    A curse because much of my perfectionism, triggers, and shame issues derive from growing up with an alcoholic father.

    There are a lot of ACoA and/or adult children of dysfunctional/codependent families here :slight_smile:
     
  6. DominoSuis

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    Thanks for sharing your posts, guys. I wouldn't wish this on anyone but it brings me comfort to know I'm not alone, if that makes sense?

    My biggest skill is the iron will that living with an alcoholic gave me. It was keep going or give up; and no one wants to give up. So I kept going. In contrast, though, I find it hard to let anyone in. I can't remember the last time someone physically supported me... it's weird.

    But I digress.

    Thanks for sharing.
     
  7. Chip

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    If you haven't, I heartily suggest checking out Brené Brown's work. She has three TED talks worth watching, and several books. Her work on vulnerability and perfectionism can be life-changing for ACoAs (and most other people.)
     
  8. DominoSuis

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    I can't say I have those books, I'll think about getting them.

    I do have Courage to Change and One Day at a Time, though. They're pretty resourceful and comforting.

    What's frustrating is I thought I was dealing with it all really well, and today I've just collapsed into a big tearful mess and I just want to curl up and sleep. The worst part is not knowing how to handle the sadness, exactly, because crying when I was younger meant yelling and hitting, so it's difficult for me to express it physically now.
     
  9. Typhoon

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    Yes. I'd rather not talk about it in detail yet... all I can say is that I hate that poison he's been shoving down his throat all these years.

    ---------- Post added 22nd Jun 2014 at 09:27 AM ----------

    I wish I (and probably quite a few other people hope the same) that we could react the same way towards such a situation as you did.
     
  10. Mino

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    I was first a high-achiever and hypercompetent but nowadays I'm a perfectionist only, without the high-achieving drive, it's not really helpful.

    But yeah, I think growing up like that is one of the reasons I don't drink any alcohol ever. And it may be one of the reasons why I have trouble connecting with other people on a deeper level. It's definitely not the only reason but it's one of them.