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I need help

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by KSMA, Jun 20, 2014.

  1. KSMA

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    Hello everyone. I have come here out of desperation because I don't know what to do. It both excites and petrifies me to write this story because I never have before. I'm afraid that it will all sound ridiculous. I was always drawn to fiction more than I was drawn to people in real life. I have never understood why that is. As a child, I lived in my head, oblivious to the fact that, while I developed my crushes on fictional people, the young people around me were developing crushes on our classmates. Then, when I turned 11, I received a book in my family's book order. The book had only recently been published at it looked quite intriguing. It was called Magyk by someone named Angie Sage. I still own the copy of that book now, almost exactly nine years later. It is quite beat up and I have many of the passages from it memorized. When I received it, I had no idea that it was literally going to change my life. When I read it, I became intensely attracted to the character of Marcia Overstrand. I had always been drawn to girl characters but Marcia was unlike any other I had come across. Even the novels are meant for teenagers, Marcia is an incredibly developed character. I have always been drawn to strong women and, as any of you have read the novels will know, Marcia is the epitome of a strong woman. I'm not here to talk about the novels though (though I will if anyone wants to know). I'm here to talk about me. Anyway, at 11 years old, I thought about Marcia all of the time. The first time I read her name, I felt this weird pit in the depth of my stomach. I've never forgotten it. It was like a sense of foreboding. These books by Angie Sage, the Septimus Heap series, were released over the last eight years. The last one came out in April of 2013. Over the years, I would try to forget about Marcia. I would try to keep myself from reading the next book or thinking too much about her because I found that I desperately wanted to hold her, kiss her, comfort her, talk to her. All of those things that I can't do because she isn't here. I've become really jealous because I envy my friends at university who can experience all aspects of love in a way that I can't. But, as pathetic as it sounds, no one can compare to Marcia to me. I love everything about her. She is literally everything I could ever desire in a woman. Even physically she's just incredible but I don't think that she knows that. I guess I'm so sad and stressed that I'm just rambling instead of telling my story. Let me try to tell and make it brief so that I don't drive any of you people crazy. You're kind just to read it.

    Basically, until I was 13, I thought of nothing but Marcia. I had an all consuming, maddening infatuation with her. I read the books time and time again. Each time a new one was released, I stayed up all night the night before and rushed to the store to purchase it as soon as I could. By the time I was 15, I was writing passionate fanfiction about Marcia and started befriending people on the internet just so that I could talk to people about her. I did get fleeting attractions to other characters over the years, some more meaningful than others but I feel that I developed those in order to try to distract myself from thinking so much about Marcia since, in a way, it feels safer to think of more than one fictional character. It doesn't feel as intense and personal if you think of more than one person. Unfortunately, none of these other characters made me forget Marcia. Over the years, I've just come to love her more. I feel overwhelmed because I feel that she doesn't exist and that I am going crazy living in my head all of the time. I feel that I will never get over her and that drives me mad because I can't imagine, after nine years, ever loving anyone else. I have been attracted to other characters during that time period and the occasional RP but it was all fleeting. Nothing as powerful as what I feel for Marcia. I just feel like a mad woman. I want to experience the same sensations as everyone else does in life. I want to have a physical, rewarding relationship. I don't know what makes me live in my head like this. The worst part is, the only thought that comforts me is that I might be lucky enough to find someone in RL who is a lot like Marcia someday and, if she let me, I would love that person until the day I die. It frustrates me knowing how completely I could love Marcia if only she were real. I'd do anything for her. I love her so, so much. Wow. It feels amazing and weird to type that all at once. I feel so lonely at school. Everyone else is making connections. It is hard enough being gay but being gay and being so deeply in love with a woman I will never have is just awful. Marcia is very English and I feel tempted to study abroad, just to feel closer to her. Sometimes, places make me feel closer to people. I feel as though I carry out affairs in my head. During the summer of 2010 I took a glorious trip to the Caribbean and at the time, there was a character to whom I felt physically attracted and emotionally drawn to as well. She isn't a trustworthy character really but I thought a little exploration couldn't hurt. After all, I was trying to get over Marcia and forget about her. I was up for anything that would distract me. I literally still look at that week as though I had a fling with this other character then. I feel as though it actually happened in a way even though it didn't. I feel as though I was unfaithful to Marcia which is crazy because she doesn't exist. Someone close to me said these feelings for Marcia are just "practice" for when i meet someone real but I can't imagine ever loving anyone else. I really want to have the experiences that my peers have. I want to stop loving someone who will never be able to return my affections, who will always live only in my head. And yet the thought of never thinking about her again is impossible. I love her so much. I would never settle for anyone I love less but I am afraid there will never be anyone else. I have thought of just having flings and loving Marcia in my head since I seem to have no other option but this is still not ideal obviously. Please help me. I don't understand what I have been going through for almost a decade and I want to know what to do. I don't know why I am so in love with a fictional character. I've had flings in my life but they've all fallen apart because of this obsession. It can be difficult being gay sometimes but it is even worse when you are in love with a piece of fiction. I appreciate any and all ideas/advice.
     
  2. Lawrence

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    Honestly, my first thought was the Social aspects of television. A dog is happy chasing its tail. Most humans require something more. Boredom, loneliness, stress, and many more reasons lead people to create fantasy worlds. You made a fantasy relationship. You felt something was lacking, so you manufactured it yourself. You might be extremely creative, but you must learn to properly channel that gift, in ways that don't hurt you. It is possible that you tricked yourself into believing that the relationship makes you happy. Only real happiness is effective in the long term. You don't have to never think about her again. It should be reduced to a comfortable level.

    You need to place more value on yourself and less on Marcia. In most relationships there's at least a bit of compromise. However, it isn't worth sacrificing that much of your happiness for a relationship, especially when you obtain nothing tangible in return. You've probably made her whatever you think the perfect girlfriend is. Real people have flaws that you could possibly learn to accept and love them anyway. There are no perfect people. Anyway... everyone has a different idea of what the perfect person would be. I don't even have all the answers and quite frankly... the more I know... it seems the less I truly know. It's good that we all think differently!

    Some women with low self-esteem exchange love letters with criminals. They get caught up in a romantic fantasy that almost never progresses into a real relationship. It creates excitement and yet it feels safe. The criminals enjoy the attention and/or they could use that woman for favours such as smuggling drugs into the prison. In the few cases where the criminals got released and the relationship continued... almost all failed! Suddenly he's a lazy slob, he's beating her, cheating on her, and she's too scared to tell anyone. Of course, that's an abusive relationship. What I'm trying to explain is that we all have flaws and I think it would be extremely rare, if not impossible, for a couple to live together in 100% bliss. Nobody goes to a magical land with a soul mate where eternal love is all that matters and money grows on trees.

    Fictional characters can be controlled 100% by you. You are god compared to her. It's like looking at a spider trapped in a bathtub. You gotta do something, or it is going to die anyway. The right thing to do is to help it out with a towel (could you imagine her being happy with another fictional character?)... but there are no repercussions for what you do beyond how you feel. Okay, you can't imagine that she dies... but you could consider she breaks up with you because she realises that it is the best option for both of you. Hell, you could remain friends. Am I the one sounding silly now? xD Real people are risky and commitment is hard work. You might get burned, but it's worth it in the end. Good luck!