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In love with my best friend (how original)

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Alex Adventurer, Jun 23, 2014.

  1. Alex Adventurer

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    Yes, I know, another one of these. This probably has to be one of the most popular topics when it comes to this forum, but I guess each situation is different. So here's mine: I'd love to hear some feedback/advice/scolding or whatever - but this is probably more for me to get it off my chest.

    Met him in uni 4 years ago (I was 21) - it was our last year, he moved in with a friend of mine. I didn't find him attractive at all in the beginning, but was immediately drawn to his adventurous and outgoing personality. A year went by, we were all a big group of friends (guys and girls) and all interacted with each other on all different levels.

    Noticed Mark and I started getting closer. at the time I'd pretty much realised I was attracted to guys (hated the fact dearly, and still do, even though I've "accepted" that there's nothing I can do about it) but was not out to pursue this attraction in any way.

    Started to realise I really enjoyed spending time with him - but the friendship dynamic became him always making a plan to see or spend time with me alone and me pretending I wasn't that keen or shit like that (I was young and dumb, but at the time I justified it by saying I didn't want to increase the chance of me falling more for him - fail in hindsight).

    What I found drew me to him, was his love for adventure, his ridiculous outside persona of being a tough guy, meanwhile being soft as shit and so caring on the inside. We became more and more close, sharing intimate details of our lives and new experiences together. We both had many other friends and a few other close friends, but Mark & I both knew we had some sort of special bond (even if I was hoping it was my kind of special).

    At the time he was single, we all occassionally hooked up with girls, him and I both slept with a handful that year, but nothing serious.

    I would tell myself he's definitely straight, but then he'd do certain things, touch me in a certain way, act in a certain way that planted the stupid seeds of doubt in my mind. I've spoken to a close friend who was removed from the sitauation and they agreed with me that his behaviour was pretty suspicious.

    Anyway, we landed up in an intimate moment where we were both jacking off together and we landed up helping each other out (funny thing is I was so against it, but eventually gave in - who wouldn't!?) - this was the only time this has happened.

    Things were slightly awkward after that for a little bit (mostly on my part - I was trying not to read too much into it as I knew it was us just messing around).

    It was soon after we both moved away, we spent quite some time apart, but still stayed in contact. It was also during this time he met his current girlfriend who he's been with for a few years - very happy and in love. At this point I went through the stage of convincing myself that as much as I was in love with him, I knew he was straight, that we'd messed around and it was nothing more than drunk fun, and that even though it hurt like hell, I needed to get over it, move on and still somehow keep our friendship intact (because as much as I loved him, I knew I'd rather have him in my life as a friend than not at all).

    I threw myself into my current work, hobbies, etc. and found a nice balance. I realised in time I could spend time with him without reading into every little move or thing he said, or have my heart race like a fucking schoolgirl every time he touched me (and he likes to touch a lot) - damn biology.

    Now, we live in two places quite close to each other and see each other quite a bit and I feel myself falling back in to the trap of being caught up in falling in love with him again.

    It's lame, incredibly frustrating and I'm trying my hardest to go back to the mindset I'd managed to uphold for the last few years. I know the logical thing would be to cut all ties, but it must be understood that rgardless of romantic feelings, we really are best friends and I cherish his friendship more than anything (I know it doesn't sound legit, but I have managed to separate the romantic reasons I'm attracted to him from the friendship ones).

    I know I'm putting myself in this position and I know I'm just setting myself up for more emotional turmoil, but yeah, if it was easy humans to control our emotions and live drama-free lives, we'd all be boring as fuck.

    Anyway, let me know your thoughts, feedback would be appreciated :slight_smile:
     
  2. Nightdream

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    I can relate to some things you said about your relationship with your best friend, my situation was pretty similar with me and my best friend. One of the few differences were that we've told each other what we felt, but it was after we stopped having these feelings. We had no sort of sexual activity since she didn't like sex at all(I suspect that she might be asexual, not because of that though).

    Ops, sorry...

    Oh well, if I were in your place I'd try to... I dunno. See him like someone that I couldn't have a relationship and be just friends with him? Yeah, I know. Easy said than done, but I see no other option. He has a girlfriend right now, it's almost impossible for him to be interested in you. That's pretty much how my feelings for my best friend has gone away, when she's got a boyfriend.
    It wasn't something that I tried to do, my romantic attraction towards her just simple disappeared when this happened. We still keep talking to each other(through skype since I can't see her in person anymore) like good friends though. But that was my case anyway.


    Sorry for not being very helpful. The only thing I can tell you is that you should move on and look for another person.
     
  3. Alex Adventurer

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    Haha, don't worry, it doesn't leave much room for advice to be given in this situation - because the ultimate advice is to either sacrifice the friendship and move on, or carry on with the self-inflicted pain. I do appreciate your response and found the idea that you and her spoke about these feelings fascinating.

    In my case though, I don't think we'd be able to speak about it. We've brought up the topic of the incident once or twice, with him always saying he enjoyed it and that's where it ends. There's an unspoken agreement that we both know it was a chilled experiment and that was that. In my opinion, and I don't know if it can be trusted if it's coming from my side, but I think in a different time, in a different setting and if he leant just that little more to the gay side, we'd be together and the weird thing is, I know he knows that. Just in the way he acts, speaks about me, is always so protective, gets harmlessly jealous about things, etc. of course I find these things more endearing.

    But yeah, I think I just need to get back to that mindset where I was before, that I want him as my best friend, I will always care for him and just repress the romantic/sexual feelings as I have done once before.

    Thanks for your thoughts and I'm glad things worked out for you and your friend :slight_smile: