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I don't know what to do

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Ello1234, Jun 25, 2014.

  1. Ello1234

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    Hello, I'm apologizing in advance, for this is probably going to be a long read. I just don't know what to do now, I don't really know how I feel and I guess I'm hoping that spelling it all out is going to help, and if not, that you guys can maybe help me. Although it could be way worse, I am in a really unpleasant situation, but I think it is the easiest to just start from the beginning.

    Even though I didn't know it back then, I guess I have always been gay, I can remember that as a small child I already liked going to the underwear section of a clothing store to see all the male underwear models topless.. Later at about 14 when I had my first experiences with internet pornography I more or less found some gay porn by accident. And i liked it.. By then I knew what gay was, but as I was always chubby I just shrugged it off by thinking I was jealous of their bodies or something like that. Pretty stupid, I know. And as I sometimes met girls i found attractive I just thought okay maybe I'm bi, but that’s not a problem just as long as I meet the right girl.

    Now as I already mentioned, I am not the most attractive kind of guy and also a little shy when it comes to “romantic endeavours“ (I have no problem communicating with anybody on an amicable level) so I did not have any experiences until last summer. There I met a girl I kind of knew was a little bit of a slut and we both were drunk and I just thought that it would be okay to kiss her and I did and also a little bit more happened. Only problem: I did not feel it like at all. I just didn’t like it, you could say it didn’t spark. It was just weird. I then thought okay maybe kissing is just romanticized by Hollywood and stuff and sheepishly asked my best friend who already had been in a long term relationship if kissing was supposed to feel good for the male. Then we just both shrugged it off because I supposedly was just that drunk.

    The following autumn I hooked up with another girl, I had known her for some time and she was the friend of a friend. (Here I’ll have to add that I’m going to college in a town approximately 250 km /150 miles. I’m from Europe and here this would be called a long distance relationship, the commute would be circa 3 hours). Needless to say that it also didn’t spark this time, I also admit being drunk again. Now after that the girl more or less wanted to try a relationship and somehow we managed that all our friends noticed. I just told her that I wouldn’t like a long distance relationship and she was kind of okay with that, but some of my friends just kept on mentioning how stupid I was and that I should at least try it and asked why I wouldn’t. So I asked myself the same question and that was when I got fairly certain that I wasn’t just bi but full on gay.

    I also realised that I had probably known it for a while but just lied to myself because I didn’t want to have to deal with it. I guess here is the best time to inform you of my surroundings. My father is a more or less high ranking conservative politician, my mother was liberal in her younger years and once when the topic came up and I cheekily asked her what she would do if one of her children would be gay she already stated that she’d have no problem with it but that she didn’t wish for it because it made for a way more difficult time and that also my father probably would have a problem with it. My twin sister is very open-minded but my older brother is even more conservative than my father. All in all this would be manageable, but as I went to college I got into a dorm of a fraternity and joined the fraternity. I’ll have to explain that fraternities in Europe are not comparable to those in the US, there is no hazing, no stupid fratboy-attitude but conservatism, catholicism and friendship. It is actually really enjoyable (even for me as I am an agnostic and not really conservative), but it comes with all the downsides of being a gay male in a bunch of conservative male twentysomethings: mostly being as far in the closet that I meet Mr. Tumnus from Narnia every Friday for tea. My brother is also in a fraternity in a different city and my father is a high ranking member of another one that has close ties to mine, so it would definitely come up if I left the fraternity.

    Now in autumn I realised that I was gay, not bi, and the next time my best friend asked me the question why I wouldn’t want to try the long distance relationship after some time I just gave in and told him that it was because I was gay. He was fully supportive and reacted just perfectly. Even though I was scared as hell I decided that I didn’t want to be in the closet anymore and told my sister, after that some old schoolmates that went to university with me and after that some other college mates. This far, my coming out experience has been really positive, even my mates I go to gym with still go to the sauna with me, just completely normal. And for myself it was surprisingly easy accepting that I was gay. Well until..

    I got really comfortable with my group of friends. It feels great being able to just be honest and saying that you thought Chris Evans was way more interesting to look at than Scarlett Johansson. But those moments are rare when most of the time there are some fraternity brothers around that probably wouldn’t approve of that. But I just tried to steer clear of those in the last time and I’m moving out of the dorm this summer so I hope this problem kind of solves itself.

    The other problem is my father and my brother. I don’t really care what my brother thinks, if he doesn’t like me being gay then that’s his problem, but it would break my heart if my father would be put off by it and I know he would. The last months have been especially hard because of the Eurovision Songcontest. Can you imagine sitting on the breakfast table and listen to them talk what an abomination it is that this “thing” won? (Probably should mention that I am from Austria.) And I can’t tell my mum because I can’t expect her to keep that secret from my dad. Also I am still financially depending on my parents.

    Then there is my third problem and I am actually embarrassed to tell you, but I guess it is kind of the key to all of it, even if it sounds extremely stupid: I don’t know how, but I somehow had the idea in my mind that roughly 10% of the population worldwide is gay. That thought was really comforting, after all it would mean that every tenth person you’d met could relate to you, was somehow the same as you, knew how you felt. And also that it wouldn’t be that hard to maybe find a partner. Also to some degree it meant that I was not that abnormal. Well guess again, now I know that it actually are only one in a hundred, that’s actually a hell of a lot less and suddenly I felt really alone. The only other gay I know is also from my fraternity and even if he supports me and we get along really well, I’m afraid to ask him all those stupid questions I have.) And with only one in 100 people my intention of just going out on the street and naturally finding other nice gay people abruptly walked the plank. (the best thing is that I actually tried it, needless to say it failed catastrophically).

    To be honest I actually know the solution to this problem myself: luckily in my city there is an organisation that regularly hosts meet-ups for gay teens, but I am extremely anxious to go. On the one hand I have no idea what to expect nor any way to find out. On the other hand feels so utterly final, I don’t know how to describe it, kind of like leaving the “normal” world behind and entering the gay world (I hope no one is offended by that)

    If you have read this far, thank you so much for listening to me, now that I have written it all down I already feel a little bit better. I am also thankful for any suggestion that might help, because overall I am just overwhelmed by the situation I'm in and really anxious.

    ---------- Post added 25th Jun 2014 at 10:29 PM ----------

    I'm sorry, while writing this novel I actually forgot to add the most important part. These problems are actually occupying my mind that much that I am borderline depressed. I don't sleep well, I have to at least sleep 10 hours a day so that I am strong enough to get anything done, I can't concentrate and when I try to study I get a massive headache after about ten minutes. So basically I have to change something, something is wrong, and I guess may psychosocial problems are the way to start.
     
  2. Sig

    Sig
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    You're so brave ello, just look at what you've done, and coped with, alone. You have a lot of insight, and that will carry you through great deal.
    I'd love to think that your parents, regardless of their politics, would support you, and love you for who you are ( I can't imagine a parent who would not) but I know thats not always the case, I hope it'll turn out to be so for you though.
    The idea of going to the gay meet-up as being like saying goodbye to "normal", is very understandable. I suppose it's just another hurdle in the great coming out adventure ahead.
    I'm neither a teen nor a male, so can be of little help to you on your journey, but wanted to say, how much I admire your sense and your courage, and wish you the very best of everything for the future.

    :slight_smile:
     
  3. bingostring

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    Hi Ello

    My first thoughts:

    Don't think of the gay meet-up as being like saying goodbye "..to normal"… just think of it as trying something out to see what it is like.

    The "one in ten" ratio for gay people is probably inaccurate …. but your "one in a hundred" I am sure is more inaccurate! I understand maybe 5-10% are in the gay, or bi, zone and so do not feel so alone !!

    If you are stressing about it so much that your sleep is affected, and your mood, then it may be a good idea to distract yourself with a few things. Like going out, mixing with people. Maybe something that involves some physical exercise, because the quality of sleep needs to be good. All your symptoms of poor concentration and poor sleep do sound anxiety or depression related. Have you thought about talking to your doctor about it or seeing a therapist?

    (*hug*)
     
  4. Ello1234

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    Thank you both for your kind replies!
    I hope I can get myself to go to the next meeting, I'd be happy to hear from people who have attended similar events and their stories!
    Yes I am thinking about speaking to a doctor or therapist, but I don't want my parents to know it because they either would be worried sick or just wouldn't support it (especially if they didn't know the reason). And my general practrician is friends with the family so I wouldn't feel comfortable telling him. Also I have no clue how the billing works
     
  5. katwat

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    Bit of a suggestion for getting to see a therapist. Just say "mom/dad I am feeling a lot of stress and anxiety over school. It has been impacting my sleep. A friend suggested that I might benefit from talking to a therapist."

    Granted it is not 100% truth but since your stress and anxiety are causing problems with studying then your schooling might suffer which could cause more stress and anxiety so it does loop into being true-ish. They might object to therapy but it would give a reason for asking about it and might open that door up to you.

    Good luck to you.