This sounds like a totally silly question, I'm sure. My best friend is about to lose her mom--she found out today that her mom has about a week--and I have been there for her, talking her through it, letting her know I'm here for her, all of those things. But I feel like I am running out of things to say and I really do not know what I can possibly say after her mom passes away. I want to be able to comfort her as much as possible, even though I know it will not lessen the pain of losing her mom, but I haven't experienced a major loss like that in a long time so I'm not sure what I can say to help. Has anyone been through this or have any advice? Keep in mind that she lives hours away so hanging out with her etc isn't an option. All our communication is just texts and phone calls.
This is going to primarily depend on the type of person your friend is, and if they can handle such a situation easier than most. The fact you can't be there physically makes this difficult, because just knowing someone is, physically, actually, there can make the burden a tad easier to swallow. But being available via phone/texting or online means, this is acceptable as well, but it takes away the tone and comforting presence. I'm sure you already know this, though. A friend of my cousin lost his mother. It hit his entire family really hard, because it came out of the blue. I very rarely ever had contact with this fellow, but he knew of me. This is why, when his mother passed away, he asked to see me, that I was rather perplexed and intimidated. Perplexed due to the lack of a relationship, and intimidated because, let us be honest, being the pillar of support for someone who lost something/someone precious is, quite rough. Despite knowing the challenge ahead of me, I decided to give this young man his requested visit, and we talked. I let him talk. No matter how choked up he got, how jumbled his words were, the long pauses, the coping mannerisms (face in hands, pulling at hair, etc), I sat there as neutrally as possible. I didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable, so I would let him get what he needed to, out of his system. Every now and then, I would nod, or gently pry for a little more detail. For example, he talked about going to dinner with his mother a few months ago, and how he enjoyed it. I asked him, how was the dinner, and what they had. Just minor things, to get him talking, but more importantly, to get him to vent. After a few hours of this, they were exhausted. I offered to get him something to drink, and then proceeded to ask him about his family. This brought their mood up a bit, because it made them realize, they weren't alone in this. And, he got to think of his family, and how he would get support and understanding from them. I, again, gently would pry them to elaborate, which in this case was about how others felt about this. This not only allowed this young man to continue venting, it allowed him to consider others. The goal was to get him to realize, they had every right to cry and feel pain, but they had an obligation to their family, themselves, and their mother, to get back up and carry on. I concluded our one-on-one session with this: " [His Name], I know you are hurting. I know that you would give anything to have your mother back. I know that you want her to be here, to erase this pain. But you have to be strong, you have to, eventually, stand back up and continue living. Your mother wouldn't want you to be miserable, because she loves you, and being the bright, loving, awesome person you are, is what would honor her best. Show the world, the son she so proudly had." Not word for word, but that was the basis. The important thing was, to allow them to vent, to know someone was there, willing and waiting, to listen and provide just a presence. If you can get them to, at least, talk, then you're making strides towards comfort. Silence allows for emotions to become like walls, and the longer the silence, the harder those walls are going to be to break. And emotional walls are damned frustrating to scale or demolish; I know first hand. P.S. Whatever you do, make Kentucky proud. We get a lot of flak for being from here, but that changes now!
It isn't exactly the same, but one of my best friends lost her Mom at a young age. I became friends with her during our senior year (she had lost her mom at 16.) I remember the first times that my friend would break down about it - I never knew exactly what to say. My advice, though, is to be yourself! Be the friend you always are. It doesn't mean you have to say everything the right way or do it in a stereotypical way. Just be who you are!
Empathy is what your friend will need. And empathy in this sort of situations is among the hardest you will ever run into. Your friend feels very alone and knows that not many around her can relate. The difference between empathy and sympathy is, at its most basic, empathy is saying "Me too." Now, you presumably haven't lost a parent, so you can't reach inside yourself and go to the place where it feels shitty and connect with your friend. But what you can do is simply be there with them. In situations like this, often the most empathic response is something like "I really don't have the right words, nor can I fully imagine what you must be feeling. But I want you to know I'm with you, I'm here, and we'll get through this together." The other tough thing about empathy is... it can look different to each person, so what you may want could be completely different than what your friend might want in the same situation. So even following the "Golden Rule" isn't always helpful here. I think Kaiser's suggestions will steer you in the right direction, but the very best way, beyond what I've suggested, is to simply, after making the connection, say "I don't know how best to support you, but I'm here, and the more you can tell me what will help, the better I can be there for you."
Excellent advice given above. I would also suggest that it is important to talk about the person who passed away. This is who your friend will be most thinking about so don't hesitate to ask your friend what her mother was like, and maybe talk of some happy memories. But do let her initiate the conversation if you can, your friend will speak when she's ready.
When my dad passed.. All I wanted was comfort, I don't think many words are needed to be honest.. But then again.. no one was there for me.. so I wouldn't know.
I know you are in the United States, but you may still find this link useful: How to help someone bereaved | Cruse Bereavement Care It's an information page from an excellent UK charity called Cruse, who specialise in the care and support of people who are bereaved and grieving. My Mum died 11 years ago and it just helped me to be able to talk to people who were prepared to listen. It wasn't the words they spoke that helped me, it was the ears they lent. Sometimes I repeated the same feelings over and over again and the best friends were those who just listened, offered a few kind responses and never complained. Their time and willingness to listen was the greatest gift they could have offered in the days and weeks afterwards.
The best thing you can do is just let her know you're there for her. Ask her if she needs anything and, if that turns out to space, grant it. Let her say whatever it is she needs to say. When my father died (cancer, it wasn't sudden), I didn't want to talk to anyone. I just came home from school, curled up on the couch, and stared at the wall for hours. Some people prefer to talk through things and some people would rather handle the early stages of grief alone. I personally hate hearing "I'm sorry." I'll answer politely but it grates on me, especially when literally everyone I see is saying it to me. Feeling like you're not alone does help. One of the things I remember most was being at the funeral and talking with my sister and niece about how we should get buttons that said "Don't hug me. Don't say you're sorry." Just knowing that I wasn't alone made me feel better. It's extra-hard comforting someone from a distance but just be yourself and say what feels right.
Thanks so much everyone for your advice. Her mom sadly passed away last Friday morning and it has obviously been a hard week for her, but these past few days she seems to be doing well. Her mom's funeral was yesterday and she said she didn't cry that much. Of course, she has cried a lot of this week, so the loss has been devastating nonetheless, I can imagine. But she has said that she knows her mom is not in pain anymore and that she knows that in time she will get through it, and I don't know if those are things that I would be brave/strong enough to think of in a time of such great loss, so I'm amazed by her strength. I cannot count the amount of times I have said in this past week "I love you so much, and I am here, I'm not going anywhere and I am going to be with you through this," and the like. I know that after the funeral, people who said they would be there sometimes tend to disappear and return to everyday life. She's my best friend so I am not going to do that. I'm going to continue to be there. Thanks everyone again!
I am going to echo what was already said, be there for her, even if ii is only over the phone. Right now she is still in shock, it took a while for the shock to wear off after my mom died. Another thing is that she can and most likely will get about this at the most random times, months and years afterwards and she will need someone to talk to, so the best thing that you can do is just be there.
I agree that empathy is probably the best way to go about it. Empathy, and a lot of comfort and support; always be there for her when she needs you. The thing is, a traumatic loss of someone's parent is something that I think is hard to understand unless you actually go through it, and each person deals with it a little differently. I lost both of my parents at a (relatively) young age (early 20s.) I mostly dealt with it myself, by, I think, telling myself to keep busy and stay strong, and trying to channel my negative experience into positive things. That said, I think it still deeply affects me on a subconscious level, based on the dreams I have every night. I don't think losing your parents is something you ever really "get over", as with many such traumatic events in life. You just learn to live with it, and adapt accordingly.
