So I'm not really sure how to delve into this, so sorry if it sounds awkward. I'm going to be a junior in uni this fall, and I'm really confused about my current gender identity/sexuality. I want to try to explore it a bit to figure it out, but I need to be very discreet about doing so. While my city is very accepting, I have family who absolutely would not be, and I need to keep this to myself until I'm more concrete in my self evaluation. As it is I'm a tall, (SLIGHTLY) overweight guy with an extremely effeminate build. I've slept with an averagish number of women in the past, and I've enjoyed myself; that I like girls isn't in question. I do have a bit of a revulsion to my penis, and aspects of masculinity in general. I don't like to touch myself while I masturbate, as an example. Further, I can't have an orgasm while masturbating if I imagine myself as the man having sex with the woman, or any man having sex with any other man; I end up watching straight porn and imagining myself as the woman in the bit. Other less controlled suggestive features include an EXTREMELY low natural testosterone level, and my insistence when I was young to my parents that I was going to grow up to be a mommy. I've tried testosterone in the past to play with my depression (thinking it might have been the low T) and was EXTREMELY depressed. Like, not getting out of bed for 2 days/not going to class level of dysfunction. Sex disgusted me, and even touching myself in the shower to get clean was unpleasant. When I'm not on it I don't really have a distinct sense of gender dysphoria, but I do have a low mood in general. I'm really questioning my gender identity, and potentially my sexuality (i've never met a guy in person and been really attracted, and I have for women. In general though, I need to know her for a while and get her personality first.) I'm not really sure where to go from here with this, but I want to work it out, because trying to look at it pragmatically shows a LOT of red flags. How could I check on this without giving myself away to anyone? FWIW I've also done drag with an ex before. It doesn't excite me in any sort of sexual way, or anything like that. TBQH within 5 minutes I sort of lose touch with it, and just feel like I'm wearing clothes, so I don't think that I'm fetishizing that or anything.
