Open relationship...questionable, uneasy feelings

The most important thing in any relationship is authenticity and openness in communications, A close second to that is likely an ability to discuss and negotiate important boundaries and values in the relationship.

It sounds to me like you're being pushed into the idea of having an open relationship when this is not something you want to do. So there are basically three things that can happen: You can truly get to a place where you are fully and honestly OK with having an open relationship, or you can convey to your husband that this isn't something comfortable for you, and come to an agreement that it stops, or you can agree to end the relationship.

I can't express how important it is for you to ask for what you need. If you've tried and worked on it and simply can't be comfortable with a non-monogamous relationship, then you shouldn't be expected to put up with it. And likewise, for your husband, he also needs to ask for what he needs. If being non-monogamous is a dealbreaker, then it doesn't seem like the relationship will work in the long term.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be monogamous, and setting that as a value, particularly given concerns about safer sex and STIs. It's not unreasonable. What might be worthwhile is to look at why this is so important to him. Perhaps he has difficulties with commitment and intimacy and this is an "escape valve" for him. If so, and he's willing to work on it, then perhaps the both of you could go to therapy. Or perhaps something in your sexual chemistry isn't what it could be, and that, too, is something you could work on.

Often times, it can be really scary to openly talk about sexual intimacy with your partner, but if the two of you can broach that subject and go into it... and be willing to talk through whatever shame or embarrassment or discomfort comes of doing that, you might be able to uncover and work through whatever is happening that's contributing to the problem.

There are a number of therapists and coaches in various parts of the country that work with couples on these issues and if you could find one in your area, that, too, might be something to explore.

It's always a challenge to work through the issues that come up in relationships as they mature past the 3 or 4 year mark. It takes a level of openness and vulnerability that most people, gay or straight, don't find intuitive. But if both are willing to work on it... it can really bring you closer.