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Seven Degrees of Separation

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by TheStormInside, Jul 2, 2014.

  1. TheStormInside

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    I'm just so tired of feeling so different from everyone else. I am an oddball and a misfit in most aspects of life. Sometimes I revel in the fact, but sometimes I get really down. I feel isolated, weird, and like no one could ever grasp or appreciate me, and why would they want to? I have mental and physical illness, I have the interests and social skills of a 12 year old. I am a good artist, but not nearly so prodigious that my talent precedes my failings. And now I'm finally recognizing that even my sexual preferences are outside the "norm."

    Coming to terms with my sexuality has been really hard because it's just one more thing about me that makes me different from everyone else. My future is likely not going to be the norm. I am starting to realize that it's likely I'm never going to be the person others want me to be, no matter how hard I try. It's just not going to work. I hate being such a disappointment. I hate not understanding what the other women around me are talking about when it comes to attraction. And I'm always so far off on my own path I feel like I'm lost in the woods, and no one even knows how to follow, or to lead me back. I have friends who will likely accept me, but I feel like they'll never really understand me. I should appreciate how open minded they are, but at the moment all I can think is, if I can't understand myself how can I possibly expect others to do so?

    As for family, they clearly know I'm a little different from most people (and have said as much) but I think they do still expect me to eventually find a guy and settle down somehow. I'm just not sure that is ever going to happen. I'm torn between wanting to be the good daughter and please them and venturing into unknown territory as I work toward coming out of the closet. It's all very frightening, and I feel so very alone, as I feel like I can't impose these emotions and this confusion on those around me. I feel guilty doing so even here, as I know I've already leaned heavily on this forum and all you wonderful, understanding users here.

    Just some things I've needed to get off my chest... I hope others here can understand. I feel if anyone would, it'd be you all on this forum.
     
  2. Incognito10

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    I feel very isolated often as well. Sometimes, it is manageable but other times I slip into a deep depression and self-loathing state. I never recall a time in my life when I felt I fit in or feel truly happy. I have depression as well as social anxiety disorder (which greatly impedes my ability to socialize and feel "normal" within society). Discovering my orientation, I too felt it was "just one more" thing to isolate me or make me more different. A lot of my interests simply don't interest other people and vice versa.
     
  3. Damien

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    Hello thestorminside,

    well once again, I'm amazed at how often I can relate, to folks here on ec. Just in brief, I am a musician but have not (as yet, but who knows, still might) fulfilled the promise and potential that is within me musically; I have never quite fitted in anywhere, and although I enjoy a bit of solitude I do wish it was more of a choice, rather than something that just seems to be my lot in life; as for being 'different' and 'a bit of an oddball', well lol...if you met me, you would have met your match in that department. So I think I can relate to what you say a bit.

    I will be a bit direct here: be true to yourself, not to others' expectations of you. Don't be pushed into marrying etc, I mean this is a huge thing that would really have to come from you, not from anyone else. It's your life to live, not your mothers, however well-meaning she is!

    I just realized a few months ago, that in addition to liking girls, I also like guys. After exploring that side of myself more fully, I seem to be metamorphosing into a homosexual, at least it feels that way at the moment. I'm just flowing with this, don't know how all this will turn out, but am enjoying the journey...so I would say to you also, just explore, after all there's no harm...there's still plenty of time left in life, to discover how you really feel.

    I hope you can come to see that not only is it ok to be unusual or 'different' or whatever it is you perceive about yourself, that actually it is part of the wonder of life that we are not all the same, that difference exists amongst people. As for 'achieving' something in life, well that's up to each one of us, but in my book, if you have, generally, kind intentions towards others, and if you generally live in accordance with that, well you are already halfway there to whatever ultimate 'success' in life entails. The only other thing I value as much as a kind heart, is wisdom, and that one is a treasure that can take a lifetime to acquire, but once again, is worth more than all worldly 'achievements' put together.

    Damien :slight_smile:
     
    #3 Damien, Jul 2, 2014
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2014
  4. sagebrush

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    This quote came to mind after I read your thoughts:

    "Never apologize for who you are."
    —Ash Beckham, Coming Out of Your Closet

    It's tough to celebrate being different when there is so much societal pressure to conform, yet I envy and admire those who confidently dare to be different. I'm sorry for your pain and isolation, but thanks for leaning on us -- this is a good place for us misfits to lean on each other for support and encouragement to be unique ourselves. :slight_smile:
     
  5. TheStormInside

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    Incognito10-
    That's exactly where I've been, mentally, myself. I also have depression, social anxiety disorder, and generalized anxiety disorder, so I completely relate.

    Sometimes I actually like being a weirdo, being an artist it's kind of more acceptable or even expected to be a little odd. But at times I just get so tired of feeling so different and distant from others. I want to be able to connect as easily and smoothly as I see others doing, but I just can't seem to do so. And the more there is about me that's different the harder it gets. I completely understand that "one more thing" in regards to sexuality. It's sort of like a cruel joke nature played. Well, OF COURSE I'd be attracted to girls. What the heck else about me is normal?

    Damien-
    Yes, I definitely relate to what you've said, as well. Also, I like your avatar. Data is my favorite Star Trek character.

    You're right, I need to live according to my own desires rather than other's. It's just hard to feel like little I do is what my parents would have expected from me and I'm about to throw yet another major curveball. I am trying to remind myself that I have to live with me and be around me much more than my family does, and I am the person my decisions ultimately affect the most. Also, if I did marry a guy just to please them I'd probably be hurting even more people. I think there's some fear of judgement from society thrown in, as well. But again, I have to live with me more than anyone else ever does.

    I wish I could go with the flow of my sexuality as you've been doing, but for some reason I can't. Probably because it's my predisposition to react to change, positive or negative, with anxiety. :icon_redf Is there anything you tell yourself to help you sort of go along with the ride?

    sagebrush-
    Thanks, you're right. I've seen that TED talk and it is a good one.

    Sometimes I'm able to celebrate and revel in my differences. I know that I have a rather unique perspective, I'm creative, and some of the things I've had to deal with in my life have also given me a greater compassion and understanding toward others. But at other times, like now, I just get frustrated at being so separate from so many others. I know everyone has problems in their life, but sometimes I just want to jump out of my skin and my mind and be someone else. Or to flip a switch in my mind that will reboot my brain into the OS everyone else around me seems to be operating on.
     
  6. freeapril

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    Hi StormInside,

    I can really relate to how you are feeling (once again! I have been lurking the forums for a couple of months now while I have been trying to find the courage to create a profile, and I often found myself reading your threads because they address so many of my questions and feelings as well). Anyway, I finally did create a profile, and I wanted to offer some encouragement, hopefully, as I am having one of those reveling, happy and self-accepting days:icon_bigg

    I have come to recognize that I am outside of the mainstream on pretty much everything. In terms of my career, I am in a profession which places me firmly outside of pop culture and makes me seem rather old-fashioned compared to others my age, and even within this field I am involved in work that is considered "radical" and "different." Socially, I was nerdy and never in the popular crowd, never seeming to share their tastes in things like movies, fashion, music...or boys. :lol: I am in the minority in terms of my philosophical beliefs, which then transfers over into my opinions on many other things...my views on politics, medicine, education, literature, art...pretty much everything. I have even had several health problems that are non-mainstream and have had to pursue new and odd-seeming alternative therapies. So of course there are times when I feel isolated and wish I could just be somebody else, someone more "normal," or even wish I could just have a problem that is more normal! :lol:

    However, I can say that recently (due to those odd-seeming alternative therapies!) I have come more to terms with myself, and I can honestly say that although my interests or opinions on certain topics are not shared by many, I have made very close and warm friendships with those with whom I do have some of these things in common.

    So now I am hoping, that although by acknowledging I am questioning I have managed to find yet another thing which certainly seems like "one more thing" to deal with that makes me feel different and alone, that ultimately I will find an answer that will lead me to a deeper understanding of what will make me happy, which is after all the most important thing. I guess that sounds kind of cliche, but hopefully it will be of some encouragement as well? I have not had the courage yet to come out, even as questioning, to anyone, so I know that on this issue I have no experience whatever, that I am far behind you in my self-knowledge and acceptance, and that you are far braver than I in facing it!!! So really I have no business posting anything about it! I guess I just wanted to say that I feel different often, too, and sometimes it sucks. But today, for the moment anyway, it doesn't. In case that helps.

    Mostly I suppose I am writing to thank you, because you have been so helpful to me, having had the courage to post when I was too afraid to do so, and reading your posts and everyone's replies has been so comforting to me these last few months when I have not had the courage to speak to anyone or acknowledge my feelings strongly enough to write about them here. So, thank you :icon_bigg
     
  7. Nychthemeron

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    Let it go.

    Let go of those negative feelings, because they aren't true. You're not a disappointment, and you are perfectly normal.

    Hell, what is normal? Being straight? Being cis? Hating spiders?!

    I'm neither straight nor cis nor do I hate spiders, but I still consider myself normal. I randomly burst into song, I flip out whenever I see a bird, and I get mood swings so extreme that I can go from happy to angry in a matter of seconds, but I still consider myself normal. And I have an allergic reaction to a ton of stuff, keep the feather of my first dead budgie in my iPod's case, and always wear a coat filled with random stuff like tissues, tape, pencils, and sometimes even candy (which I'm not really fond of), but I still consider myself normal.

    So what is normal? Nothing, and everything.

    Everyone is unique. That's what I believe. The norms we set up have to be taken down. Why is it so bad to be gay? Why is it so bad to be trans?

    Like freeapril said, you've been helping me as well. A lot. You're kind, understanding, and very helpful - and you don't even know me. I'm just a random person from the internet, and you're willing to spend your time talking and offering your (great) advice to me.

    That's not disappointing. That's amazing.

    So...

    Let it go, let it go
    Can't hold it back anymore
    Let it go, let it go
    Turn away and slam the door!

    I don't care
    What they're going to say
    Let the storm rage on,
    The cold never bothered me anyway!


    ...

    I'm also a sucker for corny stuff. And I'm still normal. :wink:
     
    #7 Nychthemeron, Jul 4, 2014
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2014
  8. Wuggums47

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    I am also an oddball. I am interested in the weirdest things, I love all things nerdy, I handmake my own yarn and chainmaille jewelry and I am a connoisseur of fine teas. And I have the weirdest gender identity and sexuality possible on top all of that. I'm sure tons of people think I'm weird. But I don't care what they think. If somebody tries to bring me down, I just take comfort knowing that they will never be as cool as me, at least under my own more accurate definition of cool. I take comfort knowing that their opinions won't change me, and that I'm happy being myself, and me being myself causes them to be angry and unhappy. By not getting riled up, any time they try to argue with me I am winning. And finally, there is a very fine line between normal and mediocre.
     
  9. Tudor

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    Totally get how you feel...spent my life feeling like an alien...wondering what I could/should do to fit in...then I realised I shouldn't do anything to fit in...instead I have worked hard on accepting my differences...my quirks (of which there are many)...not just accepting them but celebrating them...and its helped I no longer yearn to fit in (most of the time anyway!)...if people want me in their life then they have to accept me...quirks and all
     
  10. TheStormInside

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    freeapril-

    I'm so glad to hear that my posts have been helping you work through some of your own feelings. Often I feel like I'm shouting out into the void, and I'm so lucky that the people here have been kind enough to answer. It gives me comfort to know that I'm not just selfishly absorbing all of that energy, and that my "shouting" is resonating with others out there.

    I understand what you mean in regards to the health issues.. I don't have severe problems but I have chronic conditions that took years of being passed from doctor to doctor to diagnose. Still working out treatment, but for now I've been doing well physically, which as you said is a major help when dealing with issues of self reflection. For a long time I was so wrapped up in dealing with both my mental health and physical health issues (which I'm sure exacerbated each other) that the concept of relationships and attraction were just not even on the radar. Having some answers in regards to the physical health, and improvements in the mental health have probably both contributed to opening of these doors.

    Just because you've not reached the stage where you are ready to come out doesn't mean you aren't courageous. You made an account here, and made this post, and that is a huge first step! Keep moving forward :slight_smile: . And know, too, that your post has indeed helped me feel a bit less alone :slight_smile:

    Nychthemeron-

    Thanks for your post. I've been glad to help where I can, and you've helped me a lot, too :slight_smile:. I don't know if I agree that "normal" doesn't exist, but I do see your point. To me "normal" is basically an average of all the traits plotted across humanity, so you're right, very few people will actually fall in line with that, if any at all do.

    You are totally right, what is so bad about being gay or trans? It doesn't hurt anyone. It's just different. I need to try to remind myself of that.

    I've just been falling into a funk, I feel like maybe I'm starting to wade through the "depression" stage of the so called grieving process. Or maybe I've just been triggered. I know I'll eventually get through, I just have to keep swimming. Thanks for the affirming lyrics, I listen to that song when I'm feeling low sometimes :slight_smile: . Elsa has kind of led me down this path, in a way, and I should continue to look to her character for inspiration. I'm still locked up in my ice palace at the moment, but I've let a few others in, and I'm peering out the windows preparing myself to leave. It's just so scary to open that door and step outside.

    Wuggums-

    Thanks for your post :slight_smile: . Sometimes I'm able to take that mentality, myself. I guess lately I've been struggling to maintain it, but I will do what I can. Chainmail jewelry sounds awesome, by the way. I guess when someone is more unique what they can offer the world is also more unique. And that is something I can get behind.

    Tudor-

    That is a healthy attitude. I don't really even desire to "fit in" so much as I just want to be able to interface with others more smoothly. I don't mind being a little bit of an oddball. I just find it so hard to connect with people. I should be thankful that I am connecting here, though. And that there are a few people in my life who "get" me as well as someone probably could. I just get down at times thinking about being a subset of a subset of a subset and worry I'll never find someone I mesh well enough to want to be with long term. But I suppose I can't ever really discover that without stepping out and trying, either, can I?
     
  11. Nychthemeron

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    I'm actually more attracted to people who others consider 'weird'. If you spontaneously burst into song, do a random jiggle when you're happy, or try to do elaborate poses when you're bored, I'm probably going to be your friend. Haha.

    I know what you mean about not connecting. There are so many nice people at my school, but I don't connect, and I'm too scared to talk to them, because I think I'm boring as heck. It's why I only made one friend throughout my entire school life. LOL. I'm hoping to make at least one more before I graduate for good.

    I don't think you can really force a connection. And like you said, you can't really know for sure until you step and and try. That doesn't mean you have to go up to everyone and start talking, but sometimes, you need to learn how to make the first move, especially if the other person is like you.

    Take advantage of group projects or something. Look for a person who is standing awkwardly in the corner and has this frozen look on their face, then go up to them and ask if they want to be your partner.

    If it's awkward, use this line:

    "Do you know how much a polar bear weighs?"
    "No."
    "Enough to break the ice!"
     
  12. TheStormInside

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    I feel similarly, I can only really "click" with other weirdoes, anyway. That's exactly how my former roommate and I became friends, actually. We were watching The Last Unicorn and she just started belting out the songs along with the movie :lol: .

    Social anxiety gets in the way for me a lot, too. I can interact a lot better when I am at ease, but unfortunately it takes months of being around someone to feel comfortable enough to be myself and speak freely.

    Haha, I'm always the person frozen in that corner. But you're right, maybe I should push myself to look for others in the same position. I've been out of school for some time now so group projects aren't really something I have to deal with. It's pretty hard to meet new people when you're out of school and work at home. I think after I've managed to come out I'm going to get on dating sites and try to join LGBT meetups and see how that goes.

    I love your ice breaker :lol: .
     
  13. Nychthemeron

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    I LOVE THAT MOVIE. IT MADE ME CRY SO HARD. UGH. And the unicorn was such a pretty lady, too.

    I don't think I have social anxiety, although I can relate a tiny bit, since I get really nervous and unsettled around strangers. Not sure why. They probably don't even notice me, haha.

    But hey, if someone sticks around you for that long, they should be a really good friend.

    And, oops, yeah. I keep using school as an example, even if I'm completely aware some people here don't go to school anymore. Workplaces are like schools, I guess.

    Also, thanks. I got it from someone from EC. I once used it on another site and it worked amazingly. Haha.