Sorry I'm complaining so much, but I really have no idea where to turn at this point. My mom has really been up my ass recently about all my shortcomings. We've discussed how she needs to stop, because I'm hyper aware of all my shortcomings and to have her nag me about them is really screwing with my self esteem. She does it anyway. I'm on Klonopin because I just can't handle all the stress I'm under right now. I am not the kind of person that can leave their work where it belongs, so every day I'm stressing about "Did John Doe get his testing done? Why are Mary Sue's labs all screwed up? Is the new chemo treatment working on Joe Schmo?" Then I come home and it's, "Shit, did anybody call Jane to see if she finally accepted Hospice assistance? What about Bob's INR?" I'm way too invested in the patients and because I don't have my D.O yet, I'm highly limited in what I can do. Then I have school, and that's just one big ball of stress. Not to mention that I'm now dealing with a royal bitch of a classmate that is constantly making homophobic slurs directed at me. Then I have motherhood, which is supposed to be stressful, but lately it just seems doubly so. My boyfriend is constantly stressing me out. It's always, "You don't have time for me! You don't care about me! Why can't you come over after you've had a 16hr long day with school and work?" Mind, he has zero responsibilities of his own, so he really doesn't understand. Then he makes comments like, "I don't care if we have a F/F/M poly relationship! It's not cheating if you're with another girl!" Please, don't tempt me, because I have a massive crush on this girl and I just might leave your ass if you keep disregarding the fact that I don't want a poly relationship because it's not about polyamory to you, it's about fulfilling that fantasy of having two girls at once. She's a lesbian. She wouldn't want what you've got anyway. This is every day, all day. Now I have my mom constantly telling me I'm not doing enough, I'm lazy, etc. and I don't know how to handle all this. I'm at the point where I'm doubling my Klonopin just so I'm not a crying, screaming mess all the time. Which, of course, prompts the lecture from my mother about how you can't take benzos on a regular schedule like that, it's bad for you, etc. Yeah, I'm pharmacy, I know the risks of prolonged BZD use. Maybe, and I know this is a crazy thought, but just maybe if I didn't have someone up my ass every day pointing out my failures I wouldn't need such a high dose to keep me sane. I'm honestly at a loss. I can't move out because I need the in-house babysitting with my long hours and my daughter deserves the stability that comes along with it. I have a huge family, so while she misses me when I'm gone, she has her uncles to play with and a huge backyard and it's home, ya know? Not to mention her school tuition is literally an entire paycheck and we wouldn't be living in an area that would be beneficial to her. I'm at the point now where I'm so stressed out all the time that I'm a miserable bitch 24/7. Everything irritates me to the point where I can feel the scream bubbling up in my chest. I have zero patience and the Klonopin only does so much. I'm constantly exhausted to the point where I often wake up and just cry because I'm so over all of it. You know, I didn't even want to get my D.O. I was perfectly fine with just getting my Pharm.D. However, I'm always the screw up in my family. It's always "Well, you know she had a baby at sixteen. Well, you know she got her GED. Well, you know her fiance left her because of her depression." No, I'm tired of it. I want them to say, "Well, you know she's got two doctorates now, right? Well, you know she graduated with a 4.0, twice, right? Well, you know she saves lives, right?" I know people have it worse than me, and I shouldn't complain, but I'm so tired of keeping all this in and, no offense, but you're all strangers. So if you get pissed off and judge me, it's okay because I've got it out now and it won't directly impact my life at home, if that makes sense. Any advice is welcome, even if it's just "Suck it up." Okay, I lied, please don't actually tell me to suck it up, even though I probably need to.
Oh well, yeah, i'm stranger and you didn't pissed me off or i wont judge you. (try harder xD) Every person could think that their problem is the worst, but in my point of view, the good thing is that someone could help you (advice or just talk). Even if is stranger or not. You really need to talk with someone, even if is stranger, don't take drugs. YOU need to talk! You will be addicted to that drug and eventually that drug wont have any effect on that. That's one of their job as parent, to stress you. Some are worst, some are nice, but all eventually will say this " you lazy ass just do something!" In school always is someone that will make you feel like shit, but the secret is to give a shit about that. Your bf is drama queen (sorry for that), but really, that's stupid. If he don't understand then leave him. You could always find someone else that could make you happy or understand you. Even if you have problems, it's up to you to change that, but you have to know how. You don't need to run away, first think about your daughter then at you. If you feel better when you cry, i would say.. cry. IT's better to realese from that stress. I always, feel that i'm "the black sheep" in my family because i'm different (in thinking, religion etc), but i always make jokes about that, i feel better because i'm not like them, i don;t give a shit if they talk shit about me. The important thing is that some of my family/friends understand me and have same points of view or if they don't have they don't make stupid jokes. I don't know if i say everything i need to say or i miss something... Damnit, don't lie! And don't say to yourself "suck it up" because you don't NEED THAT to be happy.
Thank you, Theo (*hug*) And Wolf, I have a really chill schedule at work. I more or less make my own hours. So in theory, I could reduce my hours. However, I can't financially afford to reduce my hours. Although I don't have a mortgage to pay, I have bills, and my daughter's tuition is insane. I barely make enough to support us now, let alone if I cut my hours :icon_sad: Maybe I can work something out with my boss though where I take on extra work, so qualify for more money, but work less hours. However, that may be counter productive. :bang:
You talked about a boyfriend, is he your daughters Father, if not could you get child support from him?
No, he's not. It's a long, embarrassing story, but the short of it is that I can't get child support from her biological father due to the safety of my daughter.
