All my life I have always been the one to give, to keep trying and to love the most because that’s just who I am. But no one has ever done the same in return and I’ve accepted that for way too long. I have forced friendships with people despite the fact that I knew I had nothing in common with them except for at the time drinking and partying it up. I did it all so that I wouldn’t have to be alone all the time. It was also a great way to get free drugs since I wasn’t always so happy, However; Since then I’ve grown up and I don’t enjoy those things as much as I used to. Well I definitely don’t do them as often anymore. Now I feel it shouldn’t just be about getting high. I want to be able to have conversations and have some similar interests to do things with one another while sober. Personally I think I’m ugly honestly my face looks asymmetrical, I hate my nose and cheeks I don’t like what I see in the mirror and I can see why I never get hit on by women, they are so critical.! In my mind I have always thought that I shouldn’t look people in the eye especially if they’re attractive. I feel embarrassed when people are looking at my face because I’m not one of those pretty girls. I am never the girl that is looked at because someone (Girl) has a crush on me unless it’s a guy who I do not find remotely attractive. That makes me feel guilty because I’m complaining about not being found attractive when guys are always hitting on me, but I am not interested so why waste their time or mine. It’s never anyone I find appealing. Women are always looking away or ignoring me. No matter how hard I give off signs that I am gay or even when I try to be subtle about it I get nothing. I have always been called weird this pattern hasn’t changed I don’t know if it’s me or where I live. I am an introvert, lately I try to be more open and social but it’s like I have a sticker on my forehead that’s says “don’t take her seriously she’s lame” since elementary school I have been this depressed and not have any support from anyone, literally no one loyal enough to talk to who can understand and not judge me. In high school I used to sit outside by the bus stop alone during lunch and write in my notebook about how I wanted to die, and that I can never make real friends because I’m too weird. I thought finally realizing that I am gay would change things, but it seems like there’s no difference. If anything I think it’s pushing people away from me even more because for the most part I dress like a stud not too manly or anything but I wear baggy jeans and big shirts, cargo pants and pocket put shirts and sometimes I wear my hat backwards. I look like a skater dude basically. And I notice the looks that I get. Days like this don’t come as often as they use to, because I’ve been doing a really good job with keeping myself occupied with school work, but I’ve had some down time and everything is rushing back at once. :”( It seems now a days I’m a 21 year old girl living in a 60 year old body, I guess you can say I’m an old soul. The things that I like or would like to do I’ve concluded clearly isn’t in my generation’s interest so how do I make friends if that’s the case? How will I ever find my significant other if I am so odd? I feel like a mistake on this earth and death consumes my mind a lot.
Welcome, first off you are beautiful (i know that might not make you feel better) but just because people find you odd, others might like that in you, trust me if someone does not like something about you, someone else will, just try and find people that share your interests, and im sure things will get better
Can you find a meetup or club doing something you're interested in or would like to take up? Some activity to add to your schedule where you can make friends with people with similar interests and get busy again? Tennis, running, rock climbing, chess?
I totally get it. Everything you described is exactly what I'm going through. I'm glad I'm not the only one. I'm not sure what I can say to make you feel better, but you aren't alone. I understand. People tell me I'm beautiful, but I don't see it. I've got my own style that's different from the norm. I'm an old soul, but no one is remotely interested in anything I have to say. Things will get better. Remember, you're not alone.
Yeah, you're definitely not the only one. Our stories are not exactly alike, but I have always been different and I definitely wonder how can I make friends or get a girlfriend. My relationship with my ex-girlfriend has been over for a long time, but it has only recently ended for good for good. She's the only person I've ever met whom I felt that she liked things about me that I find unattractive and whom I felt is really like me and relate-able...and she still ultimately didn't want to be with me. It makes me really think...if the one person I really connected with didn't want to be with me, then what hope do I have of finding anyone? I know it's really more about her issues than it is about me, but I still lost my one true friend and my one true love and she was so hard to find. But I think being a lesbian (or otherwise into women) sucks for a lot of us. We could get hit on by men all day but never a woman, regardless of how weird we are or not--especially depending on where you live. I don't think women don't hit on me because they're so critical; I think it's more about invisibility, our socialization as the hunted and not the hunter, and too many lesbians caring too much about whether you're "butch" or "femme" or "bisexual" and just...LABELS. If you don't fit nice and neatly, forget it. Another reason I hated to let my ex go--she liked me BECAUSE I couldn't be put into a nice, neat femme/butch box.
I've always been an old soul as well, and what I discovered is it's best to find what makes you happy. When you are comfortable with who you are and who you want to be, you'll find more happiness which will attract others. Find other people with similar interests, or groups you can join as suggested above. I began, probably around your age, to become the person everyone else wanted me to be because I wanted to feel liked and accepted. I was miserable for so long, and only in this past year, in addition to realizing I'm a lesbian, did I realize I had lost myself somewhere. I've lived being miserable for so long, I don't care anymore who likes and approves of me and who doesn't. If someone doesn't like me the way I am, then that's what it is. Be true to yourself because you are an amazing person. There is nothing wrong with being different, because different is special. You're not meant to attract just anyone, you will find the special people in this world who will accept you exactly the way you are.
