I used to be very... confident I guess with my sexuality and identified as a straight girl but recently I've realised that might not be the case. I have a friend, a best friend. She's a beautiful blonde girl, with a cute accent, and sweet personality. We always talk to each other, despite our current timezone difference. She lives continents away while I'm in America. Talking to her is the highlight of my day, and I never seize to smile when I get messages from her, and she claims the same. We have a very close friendship to the point where we are the only people we can confide in with each other. I've vented to her about my struggles with my bdd, family issues, depression, and school issues and she's been there for me through about everything. We make sure we're the first and last people to talk to in the day. We are very affectionate in the sense that we always say I love you (each 5-10 messages we send to each other, includes a variation of it), I always compliment her, she compliments me. I'm saying this because a few nights ago I got a message from her while I was sleeping. It was a quote from the movie "you've got mail". "I hear nothing, not even a sound on the streets of New York. Just the beat of my own heart. I have mail - from you." And I realised that I wanted her to mean it the way it was portrayed in the movie, romantically. I don't know how lame I might sound, but I've always been hopelessly romantic like this. Usually we send each other quotes and song lyrics like that but this time something struck inside of me. I realised I love her, and I'm almost sure its more than a friendly way. About two days ago though, she was talking about the hypothetical situation of "me being in love with her" and sounded like she was fully mocking the idea. Of course I respond, "Ha... yes that would be insane. I'm really in love with you and you will never feel the same way... ha... ha." My heart felt instantly crushed like something was gripping my chest. And actually, just right now I've received a voicemail from her saying "I hope you're sleeping well, I love you and goodnight. I miss you already". I used to be able to love to receive messages like this from her, but now each time I hear or read them my heart feels stomped on. I don't know who to confide in about this, I don't have family I can talk to about it that wouldn't judge me, and she was the only person I would tell anything like this to. I'm hopeless, help me.
I know that must hurt but, maybe you try to explain your situation to her, it does not seem like she meant that statement on purpose
Yesterday I believe, I played around with a few words saying a guy I thought she liked was "The reason she wakes up" "The person that makes her smile" and she told me I was all of those things and said, "I don't care about guys anymore because I have you". I know chances are 99% you are right but that 1% is what I'm hoping is reality. I'm afraid to do that because she is literally the most important person in my life, and I don't know what I'd do if I lost her. :icon_sad:
Maybe you could try testing her a bit more, if her answers are favorable, you could try telling her how you feel, i know its scary but you wont know her answer or even if she likes you back unless you try
