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Talking to a stranger can help, right?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Brodie, Jul 8, 2014.

  1. Brodie

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    Hi,

    I would of made an introductory thread if I was in the least bit interesting, but turns out I don't really know what I would put and I only really joined because every other gay website in the google search field were all mildly sexual, the web address of this forum was my favourite and the threads were casual and that is sometimes quite appealing to a new person.

    I have considered talking to friends and family about stuff but I feel like I would have to continue to explain or justify things afterwards, either through their concern or constant "how are things now" texts. Here, I guess if I want to continue ignoring stuff I can log out and close the page, and that creates a space for honesty and emotional blarting.

    I am in fact 22 years old, I study law, share a home with my boyfriend whom I have been with for four years and our puppy. Objectively people would say I have a great life for a 22 year old, (no bragging intended and the purpose will come clear) but I own my own car, we bought our place, I have a great job and I'm completing my degree rather well.

    So why do I feel so weird? I don't really want to talk to anyone, I don't have any interest in doing the things I used to love, I feel lethargic and bored most of the time and I think its starting to effect my relationship. I spoke to my partner and he is concerning I am leaving him, which I don't think I want but I am not sure if I know what I am feeling at all. I am constantly comparing my life to others, and I don't get that. I feel like I want something "new". New car, boyfriend, home, adventure.. idk.

    I am really sorry this has little to do with me being gay, I would of posted this elsewhere but I felt like here the gay aspect of my post could be ignored and someone could offer help based on my feelings rather then my orientation. I am also truly sorry if you read this and it made no sense, I have no idea how to describe what's going on.

    If someone I don't know could just relate and talk me through a little, and not feel the need to judge me or "worry" about me or my relationship that would be great. I already feel like a little bit of a failure that my relationship is suffering for something I can't even describe I don't want to feel like I have to butter up my life next time I see someone so they refrain from bringing this up.

    Thanks for reading, I'm sorry my first impression is so poor. I promise I am not usually so useless :eusa_doh:
     
  2. Nychthemeron

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    Hey, you didn't sound useless, and your first impression is better than mine was on another site. On that one, my first post was on a game thread. >>

    I can definitely relate to you on how you don't want anyone to judge or worry about you. I feel the same way.

    Has anything important or impacting happened recently? You may be struggling with depression, which can sort of go on and off. I think the best way to cope with it is to find the root of the problem first, then seek advice. From a friend, from us, from a therapist, it doesn't matter.

    Perhaps you can ask your boyfriend if he'd like to take an exciting vacation to Mars (or something) one day, assuming you have the money to, of course.

    Don't feel guilty, and don't feel like a failure. It's not your fault, and just because you think you're better off doesn't mean you can't suffer.
     
  3. Brodie

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    Game threads are awesome! You happen to have fallen upon a guy who loves gaming, maybe I should of done that and ignored the inner emotional beast haha.

    Its hard because I have wonderful friends, who would understand and be there y'know? It's just we were the couple who everyone thought were perfect. We didnt fight infront of people, or disagree, we always were polite and he was always wonderful. He still is, an that is why I dont want people to know because I dont want him to be seen any differently by my family or friends because I feel weird. Does that make sense?

    Nothing really happened? I moved job because my last one was pretty intense and somewhat a "bullying" situation, nothing major, I'm old enough and ugly enough to get the whole work deal but it was stressful. My friends just seem to be having this wonderful time! an I feel like I am wasting mine.

    One friend has just quit everything to go abroad to travel for months, and I am so jealous, I just couldnt do it with the mortgage, degree, work and stuff.
    My other friend is really lucky in that her family pay for just about everything, which hasnt ruined her wonderful kind nature, but makes me feel like I got the short straw.

    I just want "new". I recently looked a car that was literally my own car but a different colour?! Just because I want to buy something new and exciting that will make me happy and giddy for like two days..? Idk.

    People have worse problems, just I have been like this for a few months and cant seem to shake it.
     
  4. PatrickUK

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    You say you've been feeling like this for a few months and can't shake it and I'm wondering if it's all the 'stuff' that's making you feel this way right now? By modern day standards you have a lot of responsibility for someone so young. Maybe you can say what the stuff is?

    It sounds like there is still a lot of love in your relationship, but has it lost it's fizz a little with all the 'stuff'? What do you think? If the answer is yes, how could you get that back?

    I seem to have asked more questions than given advice - just trying to get a bit more perspective.
     
  5. Brodie

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    Thats okay Linco, those questions are actually quite helpful in themselves because it makes me question these "feelings" and maybe that could help dig them out a little.

    I do sometimes feel like I am a little trapped. When my job was awful and my anxiety got worse I wanted to crawl away and hide, but I cant. My friends, well if they feel like this they go home and quit that job and their parents will take care of them. I dont have that, I have to work through it and be responsible because otherwise.. anxiety wont pay my bills. Its frustrating when other people seem to get the easy way out and I feel like I have to save that money, or I have to put it away because I have things to pay for and stupid responsibilities. I have a yearly tv licence? ground rent? car insurance? I pay for water now.. An I am sorry it sounds Im spoiled and dont appreciate stuff I really do. I couldnt possibly live at moms again or deal without my car and for that I have to work to pay for those luxuries.

    Maybe it was a lesson I just took badly. I dont know. I am my own worst critic.

    I used to love to sew and draw but I cant muster the will to do either? An I dont get it because at the end of the day I am frustrated with myself that I did nothing productive? My own worst enemy haha. If I do do something well, "it wasn't worth it" because its nowhere near as good as blah person has done so why bother.

    I am so sorry, it appears my verbal diarrhoea has exploded onto this thread and what an awful way to start talking to person.
    I am sure its not as bad as it may sound, perhaps I just wasn't cuddled enough as a child haha.

    Oh your new handsomeness doesn't help haha
     
  6. Nychthemeron

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    'People have worse problems,' you said, but isn't that always the case?

    Don't feel bad just because 'there are people with worse problems,' because if you're upset, you're upset. Seriously. Of course you can't compare getting beat up to losing a damn pony, but if losing a pony if your problem, then we're all here to help you and, yes, not judge.

    I can't really branch off of what Linco said, since he already covered most of it and because I'm a young brat, but I can tell you that I've felt that way before. Some people just like the thrill of getting new things. It's not something to be ashamed of. I think most of us are the same way.

    I think, most of the time, if you're fortunate and 'well-off,' your life is going to be boring. You have an awesome everything, but you're missing the challenges you once had.

    For example, if I'm in tip-top shape, I won't need to exercise or anything. That's considered 'well-off,' right? But I'm not, so I need to exercise and keep myself healthy. That's a challenge. I hate to do it, and boy, would I EVER love to be fit without trying, but that's BORING.

    It's the same with nightmares for me. I barely get any dreams and I don't have nightmares anymore. People say I'm lucky, and yeah, maybe I am. But then, sleeping is extremely boring.

    Perhaps this is how you feel, but with your actual life. There's nothing wrong with that.

    (EDIT: I also love gaming. Off topic, but hey, gaming is cool.)

    ------------------------------------------

    I just read your latest post. You aren't acting spoiled at all. That's an actual problem. Anxiety, that is.

    You already acknowledge the fact that you have to work to earn luxuries, and personally, I think that's an excellent attitude to have. It seems like you're just extremely stressed right now, and that's natural to feel with all your responsibilities.

    Can't really say anything about stress, though, because I usually just worry until it goes away. It doesn't really help, however, so I guess I'll leave it up to the other people who actually know what stress is. Heheh.

    I hope things get better for you, man.
     
    #6 Nychthemeron, Jul 8, 2014
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  7. Brodie

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    I am not sure if when I'm alone I just over think things y'know. That's why I thought joining a forum would help because I could at least talk to new people and get new perspectives. I live far from family and my old friends so it's difficult to catch up all the time.

    I am sure talking about it sometimes allows me to rethink and remind myself that it's not all bad. I just appreciate having this small but efficient avenue to explore it openly with people who seem to understand.

    I'm sure dwelling on it won't help and although I don't want to continue to ignore it, I think just having people to talk to and being able to reconnect would help. Even talking on here makes me feel better, idk it's a peculiar thing.
     
  8. PatrickUK

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    I think Nychthemeron offered some kind and wise words.

    It does sounds like you are feeling a little stifled by your situation and you are reacting to it, which includes venting and expressing your frustration on here... which is a good thing to do, by the way. Far better than bottling it up.

    My own situation is not too dissimilar to yours. My partner and I have a house with a mortgage, loan, bills to pay, car to run, dogs to feed.. and future work uncertainty. It's quite stressful, but I guess I'm at a stage in life where I want all of that. A few years ago I'm not sure I would have.

    When things get on top of us and we feel low we react to it in different ways and it's not uncommon to want to engage in a spot of retail therapy. I do it myself sometimes. It's well known that spending money and treating ourselves to something nice and new gives us a temporary lift, but then we have the after effect if we go mad with the plastic (more bills to pay). It's hard having to be so sensible all the time isn't it?

    The challenge is to channel the time, energy and motivation that you might spend on retail therapy into something more positive that will give you (and your boyfriend) a break/release from it all. It doesn't mean spending a fortune, but it does mean dedicating yourself to it and making it a weekly habit. You need 'me' and 'we' time - for the 'we' time you both need to pull together for your relationship.

    If you are really struggling to motivate youself have a chat with your doctor as this could be a build up following the anxiety you experienced in the previous job. It doesn't mean he/she will automatically sign you into therapy/counselling, but you might benefit from a course of mild anti-depressants just to help with your mood.

    Finally, don't feel bad for sharing this. You have a lot going on and you just need a release from it all - that's normal and natural.
     
  9. Nychthemeron

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    Nah, I know what you mean. Sometimes all we need is a little reassurance that it'll be okay and that we're not alone. All the stress you go through makes you feel like you're isolated from the world, but it's really not. So yeah, talking to people about it does help, even if they don't actually give you advice you can take.
     
  10. Brodie

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    I think il keep this page as a reminder to myself that I am in fact not the only person feeling moo sometimes, but I really appreciate your messages. It's nice to have people on the other end even if they just confirm that you are indeed okay and it's just a blur for now.

    Thanks though. I may continue to explore the forum now I have somewhat bestowed my crazy on this page. Can't get worse can it.
     
  11. Nychthemeron

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    Crazy?

    I love crazy!

    All my life has been a series of doors in my face
    And then suddenly I bump into you

    I was thinking the same thing! 'Cause like
    I've been searching my whole life to find my own place
    And maybe it's the party talking or the chocolate fondue


    wait, wrong song

    In any case, you weren't bestowing your crazy on anything. Trust me. Whether you like to eat dirty socks or not, you'll get along nicely.

    And, sorry I didn't say this before, but welcome to EC!
     
  12. Hyaline

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    YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT FEELS THIS WAY....

    Like Linco, I am 39, my partner and I have a house, cars, bills, and two adorable kitties. The humdrum of normal everyday life gets to be a laborious chore. It's dull, it is often exhausting and most of the time no damn fun....

    For us, I took a lesson from my parents playbook. I found that we'd be home and we'd say hello after coming home and then after a few minutes of catching up, promptly ignore each other. To this end, we take time to go away. Meaning.... We pack our bags, get in the car and go someplace just far enough away that we can enjoy each others company and focus on us. It gives us time in the car to chat and talk about things we normally ignore. Sometimes it is home stuff, sometimes it is silly stuff. (Heck sometimes it's window shopping the hot guy in the jeep next to us on the highway). The goal here is to get out of your regular routine and find something you both can enjoy together. A weekend away to a local town where we can explore all the foodie places really helps improve both our moods. It ends up being cheap, its in time we'd spend doing chores and other things.

    But sometimes you have to let the chores go and work on the relationship. It needs love and attention just like all your other responsibilities....
     
  13. Brodie

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    Thanks Ny, I appreciate the welcome. It's always comforting to know I am not the only one feeling so odd and it's not a solitary feeling.

    Oh and Hyaline thank you. I took your advice and me and my partner are going to spend Friday driving and stopping at random towns exploring new places and casually shopping for home decor. It should be lovely.

    I don't know if it helps at all but our sex life is still good? That's good right? I tend to have a lower drive but when we do it it's great. May consider talking to my friend about it, I have known her 11 years and we are like one person, I feel so guilty that I've told random people (or at least attempted to) and not told her.
     
  14. Hyaline

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    Brodie - Glad to hear it.. We do it a few times a year and it is usually the pick me up with both need to feel better. Putting down our phones and paying attention to each other and seeing where the road takes us has been amazingly simple and fun.

    Just going out of town for lunch or going for pie in the middle of the night to the only place nearby that has pie at 3am.. But then again, I've driven to Vegas for dinner (about 225 miles each way...).

    But don't be afraid to be silly... take pictures, and enjoy yourselves.. My favorite pictures are from when he and I were together in some new place we'd never been. :slight_smile:_