Sometime it feels like I am the biggest bloody coward on this planet. Last night as I was laying next to my boyfriend in bed I had the overwhelming urge to tell him how much he means to me but I could not find the courage to do so. And I wonder why. This gets me irritated with myself. I am also back in the position where I wonder where on earth will I find the courage to break the news to my parents. The situation at home has not been easy since the beginning of the year and I dont want to bring undue extra stress into the house. Sometimes I am thinking I dont want to get in too heavy conversation with my boyfriend as it might spoil a good thing we have going at the moment. I am so scared sometimes that he will disappear and then I will have to cope with that also. All the crap I am facing at the moment makes me an overly cautious person, which can sometimes be mistaken for being a coward. But man sometimes it gets to me in a bad way. Who else feels like this? And where does one buy courage pills ;-)
I'm sorry you're going through all this stress. I have to come out to my parents, too, and the rest of my family. But it's not like I'm in a relationship like you, so I have more time to wait. Gender dysphoria gets stronger, though, so there's that... I've had countless times where I want to tell someone something but chickened out before I could. I'm naturally a private, shy, and introverted person, so it seems extra hard. I can't even talk on the phone without getting stressed out; I usually hand the phone to my parents. So I understand about not having enough courage to tell someone something. I think that for us, biting the bullet and "just doing it" (as Nike says xD) is the only way people like me can get past it. When I'm driven to tell someone something, I kind of talk to myself in my head and tell myself things like that Nike slogan, and that makes me go for it and blurt it out. But blurting it out is better than not saying it at all.
Hi there! You are not a coward at all for not being able to express your feelings. It can be hard to express your feelings for somebody because at that very moment you are making yourself very vulnerable. It might be worthwhile to try having deeper conversations with your boyfriend. It is part of a good relationship: being able to have deeper conversations and trusting the other person with it. It might be also worthwhile to explore your fears. Why are you scared that he might disappear? There are reasons as to why you might not feel ready to come out to your family. You probably have a good idea as to how your coming out could be received, and if you feel that there is a better time for it, that's okay. (*hug*)
