I don't know if I should talk about it because I haven't completely come to terms with it. Or if i should even talk about with you guys. We are all basically misfits on our own little island. So, I'm going to talk about it. When I was about 5 years old my dad's friend touched me in the way that made me feel uncomfortable (you know.) I haven't even thought about it because I was 5 then. My parents didn't teach me right from wrong until I was about 7. So, I've done some thinking about it and I feel like what happened with my dad's friend and I kind of molded my sexuality. I remember always feeling so odd or uncomfortable around men. I didn't come to terms with my sexuality until I was about 12. That's when my step-dad told me about the abuse. I just remembered feeling so helpless. I'm pretty sure what he did made me who I halfway am today. I don't know if what happened in my past could actually determine my sexuality. I guess I'm just confused. I need help.
I'm sorry to hear about what you've been through but I'm going to say in no uncertain terms that the answer is no. Whatever your sexuality is it would have been that regardless of anything else. Knowing other people who have also been abused and who are still attracted to people of the gender that abused them, although sometimes they may be more wary of certain people, it doesn't change who they're actually attracted to.
What happened to you was truly awful and it's natural for you to have these mixed feelings and ask why/why me? Did this play a part in my sexual orientation? It's understandable that you should ask these questions and draw these conclusions, but I'd respectfully suggest that it's wrong thinking. The link between childhood sexual abuse and sexual orientation is unproven and very tenuous. Here's one significant reason why: Most perpetrators of sexual abuse are male, but their victims are equally male and female. So whilst it may follow some logic for a lesbian to draw a link between the abuse and her sexual orientation, the same logic falls away when you consider how a male victim may also end up having same sex orientation later in life. If abuse was indeed causal, it would make more sense for male victims to be repulsed by the idea of same sex feelings and shun gay relationships. In actual fact, that doesn't happen. So I can totally see why you are making the link and I hope I don't sound dismissive of your feelings, but there is no concrete proof that I know of to support such a link. Have you managed to work through your feelings about what happened or is there still a lot of unresolved stuff there?
I'm pretty sure I would of been a lesbian even if this abuse didn't happen. Liking boys for me doesn't seem natural. I can see why i made the connection between the abuse and my sexual orientation. I think I managed my feelings. I guess my feelings towards the abuse are still kind of fuzzy, but that's natural. Thanks guys!
I have thought the same thing myself for a while, however, I agree with pigpassport and linco that it doesn't shape your orientation, although it definitely may make you more fearful or distant from (some) men. Because of sexual abuse in my past, I figured I was straight but just very uncomfortable around men and it took me a long time to realize that I was a lesbian. I also know someone who decided to be gay (for a while) because of sexual abuse in her past and it didn't work, she was still attracted to men despite the abuse and couldn't turn herself into gay person (even though a part of her wanted to as it felt safer).
I was just about to start a thread like this, so you're not alone in your confusion. I was molested by a close male relative for many years, from about 6 to 13, at the same time that I was having issues with my gender identity. Any difficulties I've had with my gender identity or confusion about my orientation I've always assumed came from that, especially since back in the day some therapists would tell people that abused girls often ended up either very promiscuous, or learned to hate men and became lesbians. I was never harmed physically because he made the contact pleasurable instead of painful, but it still messes with my head. I don't fear men, but I've sometimes wondered if I'm only attracted to them because of the conditioning from the abuse, or if I confuse friendship and love for the same reason.
