I considered myself homoromantic asexual, and always masturbated to fantasizing erotic wrestling with other men. There has never been nudity nor actual sex in these fantasies; they would be technically be "safe for work." I met a man who is also asexual, and although we were with each other for awhile (this was my first relationship), we had almost no sexual contact, and we were both okay with that. However, I could only stimulate myself; him touching my genitals gave me absolutely no erotic feeling at all. We both masturbated separately, him for maintenance reasons only (although I enjoy it). Now that I'm single again, I wonder if I still have little/no sex drive for sex with another man, or if I just need to be "activated" by someone who is into it? Or maybe I'm the only one who can stimulate myself? I'm facing the paradox that, I do want to try sex, but I'd only want to do it with someone I trust - like a boyfriend (I'm also scared shitless about STDs). HOWEVER, I promised myself that I wouldn't enter a relationship for another two years, so I can really concentrate on this particular job I have (and NO, I absolutely will not break that promise). I still masturbate to the aformentioned wresting fantasies, but I actually was able to ejaculate from imagining myself giving a blowjob to this cute boy I met very recently... I know I'll ultimately find the answer on my own, but I feel that it helps to hear other perspectives.
Hi, From what you're describing, my guess (and it is only that) is that you are likely not asexual, at least not using the accepted definition used by the majority of professionals in the field. It's more likely there's some other issue going on that's contributing to anxiety of some sort that's interfering with your sex drive and libido. If it were me, I'd try and see a therapist. One of the potential concerns I have is the strong fears about STIs, combined with this ironclad 2 year commitment. While there's nothing wrong or abnormal per se with either, that, combined with the other things you're describing could point to an underlying anxiety that could be the root issue behind everything you're describing. That's only a guess; diagnoses are outside of my scope, and diagnosis based on an internet posting would be irresponsible in any case... but if it were me, it's something I'd definitely explore with a therapist.
By golly, that makes sense... I definitely had anti-sex feelings for a long time, due to firmly following my Catholic school sex education... and, I suppose, my high school sex ed, too. I didn't even start masturbating until I was 22 or so because of that... And with my ex, yeah, I'm sure I had anxiety. Our first time was so awkward that it was funny in retrospect, but I think that totally affected me. I felt disappointment. He was sometimes intimidating, too, so I'm sure that's a part of it. With the commitment, it's grad school/teaching. In this past first year, I did well the first two terms being in that long-distance relationship. But, when he moved in with me, I fell apart. I don't think it was the relationship itself, but rather, the living-together (now that I think about it). Since I'll be teaching in the last two years of the program, I'll have a lot less time for anything other than school, thus, my vow to myself. I also realized that, unlike many other areas in my life, I have been seeing relationships and sex in terms of black-and-white. Dating was never really an option; I only wanted a relationship if it was going to end up in marriage, and I'll only have sex in that relationship. I'm definitely going to ease my views on these things, but still not rush into decisions. And I'll think about seeing a therapist, after my insurance kicks in in September.
