Right, okay, I'm probably going to get a fair amount of abuse for this thread but I don't care, I already know I deserve it. Pretty much throughout most of my teenage years I was a bully. From the ages of 10-15 I was probably at my very worst. I wasn't your typical school bully either, in fact I was pretty quiet, nerdy and not that popular. The kind of guy you'd expect to get bullied not to be one. I used to constantly tease people who I was supposed to be friends with to wind them up and get a reaction. I'd say I bullied 9 people, some much worse than others. I'm not in any way trying to justify what I did but I reckon I bullied people because I felt shit about myself. Being gay was probably part of it. I'm 20 years old now and this year, after coming out, I finally realized what I horrible person I had been up to that point. I've made it my goal since to be a good person from now on. I can't ever change the past but I can do my best to attempt to make it up to the people I hurt. I know I have to apologize to the people I bullied. I've already apologized to one girl I picked on and she has forgiven me. Not that it excuses the things I said to her. I'm really stuck with what to do with my worst victim. This guy I have now made up with but it was him who approached me, I never apologized to him. This guy had anger issues as a child. He would go in a huff and go crazy over little things. However, when I was 11 years old I bullied him badly, for some sick reason I got a kick out of the reaction I got. However, one lunch time me and 3 others went way too far and wound him up to the point he went crazy and smashed up a classroom. One of the others was my identical twin brother. Obviously when the guy got asked about it he told the teachers what we had done. We all denied it, and for some reason they believed us. I reckon it was because we were all kind of alibis for each other and we were all quiet and hard working pupils so they couldn't believe we would do such a thing. Also unluckily for him it was approaching the end of primary school so the teachers couldn't really be bothered dealing with it. My parents believed me and my brother when we said we hadn't done it. They're good and fair parents and they would never condone bullying. They genuinely believed that this guy was blaming us to excuse his own behavior. The guy who I bullied parent's were obviously extremely unhappy and were at the school complaining about what me, my brother and the two others had done and how we were getting away with it. My mum and my victims mum were sort of friends and fell out over it. They still have a massive grudge against each other. The Dad also stuck his middle finger up at my Dad as he drove to work one day. I completely avoided the guy throughout the rest of school but continued to protest my innocence for years. I lied so much I began to almost believe it. I also must admit I never really felt much remorse, just relief and almost pride that I had got away with it. My victim didn't really have any friends for a few months but once he started secondary school he got a new crowd of friends and I think he was quite happy. Four years after I did it I began to feel remorse. Two years ago I got a Facebook message from the guy asking to put the past behind us. Obviously I accepted it and we are now friends and go to uni together. His mum still hates me obviously. He is a great and amazingly forgiving guy. However, in my parents eyes he is still a liar. I know I 100% owe him an apology and plan to do this next time I see him. However, I'm wondering whether I should come clean to my parents about how I have lied all this time. I want to as I feel I owe to my victim, he needs his name to be cleared; he is no liar, I am. Some of you may think this is the obvious thing to do. However, there are a few things holding me back. First of all my twin brother doesn't want me to come clean, he feels that as our victim has forgiven us, we should forgive ourselves and forget the past. I don't want to confess if its going to hurt him badly. Secondly, I'm still friends with the other two bullies and confessing will ruin these friendships. Thirdly, my parents will be so hurt that I have lied to them. They will also feel like complete idiots defending me and my brother whilst we were guilty the whole time. They're really good people and great parents. I don't want to hurt any more good people. I don't think they'd ever trust me again and I'm not sure if they'd forgive me. Also, in order to stop my victims parents from constantly complaining, the headteacher told them that me and the other bullies had got punished for what we did. Despite the fact we didn't. By coming clean I'll be ratting out the headteacher too. My victim is also under the impression we were punished, but we weren't. Coming clean may make him no longer forgive me and it will really hurt him. Maybe I'm just being cowardly and making excuses but I'm really stuck with what the right thing to do is. I feel as though I should come clean with what I did as I might finally get punished which is what I deserve and my victim will have his name cleared. I wish I had been punished back then as I wouldn't feel the guilt I do now. I was such a horrible person back then and the worst part is that nobody even knows. At the time it felt good to have got away with it but now it has just became a secret which I carry round my neck and is getting heavier. I really feel as though I should come clean. Any advice?
Hey, don't feel like that. You said yourself you decided to become a better person. You accepted your mistakes and are working to improve them. You even apologized to someone, and she accepted your apology. That's much, much more than what others would do, and I have to commend you for that. I understand how hard it is to finally tell the truth to your parents, but have you considered that they may have forgot? Or even that they will be proud of you for coming clean? I personally would be, if my son did that to me. You're a better person now. This is a road to self-acceptance, and the obstacles are tricky to get around. Your parents should be proud of you for being brave enough to tell the truth. Your brother is right, in a way - the past is the past, and you should forget about it, but I think the only way you can forgive yourself is to come clean. Personally, I think you should go to the guy first and apologize. If he takes it well, ask him for his own advice on how to approach your parents, and then go to them first. I don't think you should go to your brother, as he will probably try to talk you out of it, or he might become violent. And, sure, people may start disliking you, but is that really such a bad price in return for a peace of mind? But, this is just my opinion. It's really up to you on how to go about this, but whichever path you take, know that you're brave enough, and you're good enough, and I respect you. Good luck. (*hugs*)
Here is a perspective from the other side, as someone who was bullied heavily during my Sophomore year of high school. If my bully came to me and said he was sorry, I would probably forgive him, It really would depend if he has changed though. If it was a genuine apology and he has become a better person I could forgive him. While he made my life a living hell for over a year I don't dwell on it any more, it's in the past. I personally would come clean to my parents as well. You're an adult now and are going to start the foundations of a new relationship with your parents. As a grown child. While they will always still be your parents - I believe that honesty and being truthful to them is even more important at this stage. Sure your parents may be upset, and honestly I think they have every right to be. I doubt that they will never trust you. On the contrary I think that it could, in the long run make them trust you more. You were a child when you did these things. Now as an adult you are willing to dig up the past and take responsibility for your actions. To me this shows that you have conviction and are truly sorry for what you have done. While your initial actions are nothing to be proud of, how you are dealing with them now could be. I think that in the long run you would feel much better about your self and it would bring closure to a chapter of your life that you are trying to find resolve for. Just my 2 cents.
Thanks, I seriously don't feel that way though. I don't think my Mum has forgot about it. I think my Dad might have. He speaks to my victims Dad at the gym a lot. I brought up my victims name to my Mum a couple of days ago and she started slagging off his Mum and calling him a liar so I think she is going to react really badly. There is going to be a lot of tears. My brother won't be happy but I know now that he often gives bad advice. I think I now know that I have to do this. I am so sick of hating myself and for the first time in my life I want to do the right thing. The amount of lies I have told to cover this up is shocking though. I have no idea how I'm going to do this... I just hope I do get the balls to do it. Thanks again
Most people including me have been in your position. I was a closeted gay guy with a disability and I was mistreated a lot in school. So I took my anger and insecurity out on people who were more disabled than me and took advantage of them. It was wrong to do what I did and I forgave myself for it. We all done shitty things to people especially when we are teenagers and I patched things up with those I bullied. I would not be too hard on yourself. Of course bullying is wrong but the best thing is you learned from it and now your a better person for it. It does not matter what lies you told or how bad you were in the past what matters is you learned to never to stuff like that again. So again please don't beat yourself up about it because it is in the past!
Yeah sure I reckon I'll need some support as I certainly don't have it from my brother. I asked him to go for a walk with me tonight and I explained what everyone had told me and how I felt. I thought I could get through to him, I was wrong. He's the dominant twin, kind of like my big brother, so I look to him for advice. I now know that he isn't always right, for instance I'm out the closet whilst he is still in; so maybe I am right sometimes This is certainly the toughest person I have to apologize to so I'm going to apologize to a few more people, just to prove to myself I have the guts to do this. Just message me on my wall whenever. If you persist I'm more likely to pluck up the courage to do this! ---------- Post added 19th Jul 2014 at 10:36 PM ---------- Thanks but I feel that I will until I confess. Just out of curiosity did you apologize to the people you hurt before you could forgive yourself?
Thanks for your advice and sorry to hear that you got bullied. I imagine your bully was the same as me, he felt shit about himself! I don't think my Mum is a very forgiving person so I'm extremely worried how she will react. She holds a big grudge on the victims Mum and I think she might have been bullied a bit at school. I know I have to do this though. I've just got to find out how to get the balls.....
Clearing the air no matter what the offense is never an easy task. Being honest with everyone will help you sleep better at night. your mom will have to resolve her own behavior in her own way. (She'll have to admit she was wrong and move on as well). You can only work on yourself, not your brother, not your mother. So start with you, Once you clear the air, odds are things will work themselves out. At the very least, you'll no longer be harboring this regret.
