So, I've known that I'm a lesbian basically my whole life (as in before I even knew what lesbian/gay was, I knew I was interested in girls). However, I also knew this wasn't normal (all the other girls would always giggle about how cute Justin or Austin or Jake is, and I was the only one going, "Hang on, I think Carolyn is cute..."; obviously it wasn't the norm...), so I pretended: I agreed with them when they talked about the boys or made up a crush on a boy or whatever, simply because I was intelligent enough to realize that I was not normal and I didn't want to be ostracized. Eventually, I learned exactly what it was that was different about me, and (being raised in a conservative Christian home) learned that what I felt was a "sin" as well as a choice. So, naturally, I began a long and painful process of trying to be straight. I actively told myself that I was straight and like boys, that I did not like girls, etc. I would try to make myself like a boy by simply picking one the other girls seemed to find attractive and telling myself, over and over, that I liked them, too. I would try to dismiss feelings for girls by telling myself that it she was a good friend. But I couldn't deny my attraction to girls no matter what I did. So, I decided that I must be bisexual, and that's okay because then I can just never acknowledge or act on that part and only act on attraction to boys. It took me years, but eventually I just had to accept that I just do not like boys and never will, and fighting it was just making it worse. "Okay," I told myself, "you can be gay, it's not a sin to love... You just cannot act on it." Which, of course, made me even more miserable... Who wants to be alone for the rest of their lives? But I didn't see any alternative, and the depression and self-loathing that I had been dealing with for years was becoming overwhelming. When it got to the point where I had decided that it wouldn't be worth it to live my whole life like this, alone and unloved, and I would rather just die now... at that point, I knew I couldn't keep going, that I needed serious help. I started coming out to a couple close friends, and I tried coming out to my youth pastor to get help in fixing it, and things started getting a little better. I gave up on the "fixing" part pretty quickly (if I hadn't been able to fix it in the last seven years, it wasn't going to change), and just focused on accepting my homosexuality as not only part of me but a good part. I came out to everyone, I openly expressed my attractions to girls, I wore rainbow-freaking-gloves. But it didn't stay good, and a couple years back I had my first relationship experience [and arguably one of the worst someone could have; she was manipulative, borderline emotionally abusive, and using me the whole time (which she then explicitly told me after she decided she was done with me)], and when that situation exploded, everything just came back full force. I ended up hospitalized for suicidal intentions, and [finally] got the therapy that I've honestly been needing for, like, a decade. I've made progress. I've stopped hurting myself. I have found and joined a gay-accepting church (not one that says, "We welcome you, sinner gays, with love! We can help you!" but one that says, "Homosexuality is NOT a sin! We marry gays! We have rainbow streamers hanging draped across our sanctuary!"). I smile and make jokes about my homosexuality. I wear gay pride accessories and went to the campus pride at the local community college and attend an LGBT-Straight Alliance there. And I am still pretending; I still hate being gay, I still wish I were straight, I still would rather die than have to live like this sometimes, and now I just pretend I don't feel this way instead of pretending there's nothing to feel this way about. I am tired of hating myself. I am tired of being gay. And I don't know how to make these stupid feelings go away. How can I logically accept that being gay is not a sin, believe it, rejoice in my fellow homosexuals' relationships and marriages and victories, and yet hate myself for it? More importantly, if pretending to be straight never worked, how could pretending not to care be any different? I have been pretending my entire life, and I am just plain freaking tired of it. What the hell do I have to do to make it stop?
Congrats on making it this far in your journey. It doesnt seem like it but you will open up to it more and more. I would suggest therapy if at all possible. Hopefully others can submit more instantly usable advice.
[/COLOR]Hey Atashi Your post seems like such an intelligent reflection on your journey, and it sounds like you've tried all sorts of different ways of fitting in and trying to be what you thought you should be and what you should feel, like you have expectations and they just don't work out. When you write about all the conflicting feelings your having its no wonder to me that you are tired, it sounds exhausting. "And I am still pretending; I still hate being gay, I still wish I were straight, I still would rather die than have to live like this sometimes, and now I just pretend I don't feel this way instead of pretending there's nothing to feel this way about. I am tired of hating myself. I am tired of being gay. And I don't know how to make these stupid feelings go away. How can I logically accept that being gay is not a sin, believe it, rejoice in my fellow homosexuals' relationships and marriages and victories, and yet hate myself for it? More importantly, if pretending to be straight never worked, how could pretending not to care be any different?" Congrats for the progress you've made despite everything else, do you still get support? Sending (*hug*) if it helps.
