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Struggling with accepting myself to the point of not sleeping

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by daniel27, Jul 23, 2014.

  1. daniel27

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    How do you learn to accept yourself? For years I've been all over the place with my sexual orientation and now starting to get to the point where it's almost settling and I've come to realise I've been running from it for years. My dad has always been very homophobic and I think although I've never shared his beliefs there's almost an internalised part still there that's making it hard to admit my own sexuality to myself.

    Has anyone got any tips for helping to find yourself and reaching the point of acceptance. I got offered by a mate to go with her to a LGBTIQ support group here but I really don't think I'm at that point yet.

    Sorry if this is a bit disjointed, been another long sleepless night.
     
  2. DoctorWatson

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    I was in your shoes not so long ago.

    I've pretty much known I was gay since birth. Of course, I didn't know what being gay was when I was seven or eight, but I knew at the least that I was different from the other boys at school. It's easy when you're in the first or second grade because all anyone really cares about at that age is cooties and toy trucks and jumping in puddles.

    But once I entered my teenage years, things changed. I was undeniably attracted to guys but I would lie to myself and say that it was just a phase. I would even force myself to be attracted to women, and now that I look back I can't believe I actually did that to myself.

    You can't hide from the truth for very long, and I'm thankful that the truth eventually caught up to me at 17 and not at 50.

    The minute I acknowledged my attraction to men, the fear set in. The "what-if-I'm-gay" question swirled around in my head until I deliberately buried those thoughts and tried to live my life as normal.

    It came to the point where I understood I was attracted to men, but didn't want to talk about it, because maybe if I stopped stressing about it, the feelings would go away on their own. Maybe this whole thing will blow over and I will be straight when I'm 30 and marry a woman and have five wonderful children.

    But like I said earlier, the truth knows exactly where your hiding. It'll try to coax you out, quietly at first, until eventually it yanks you by the ear and tosses you around. And when I knew I had no place to run from myself, the gradual "coming out" process began.

    Like you mentioned, I ran from it for years but by now I was exhausted and it came to a point when I said "You know what? Who cares if I'm gay? Why on earth am I losing sleep over something I have no control over?"

    If there's anything I learned from this experience, it's that you must love yourself if you want to live a fulfilling life. As long as you love and accept yourself, everything else is a lot easier to handle. Unfortunately we find ourselves in a society that isn't as accepting as we would like it to be. There will be people (friends, parents, siblings) who think what you are is "wrong" or "unnatural" but if you love yourself, those kinds of sentiments cannot hurt you as deeply.

    You are not your sexuality. You are not who you prefer to sleep with, or what clothes you wear, or how much sugar you put in your coffee. It's all of these things that make up the colorful mosaic of who you are, and being gay is just another piece of that mosaic, so I say embrace it. :icon_bigg
     
    #2 DoctorWatson, Jul 23, 2014
    Last edited: Jul 23, 2014
  3. daniel27

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    Not sure how to properly quote but I think I'm at this point now, big part of me that realises it and I'm slowly coming to grips with it. I guess I just need to stop letting it mess with my head, I know I deserve to be happy and as much as it scares me it can only be for the better.

    I think for a long time I've hidden in essentially a cocoon. My clothes and everything some days feel like less me and more a construct to hide myself. As with anything it's a slow process but I find everyday I love myself more and I allow myself to be me a bit more, can only wait for the day when I am fully free.
     
  4. Jwis

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    Another one who was in a similar situation then you not to long ago. I'll share what worked with me. It involves seen a therapist, I don't know if that is an option for you.

    I did some internet searching and found a LGBT friendly therapist in my town, I was surprised that there were actually a few. I called and requested an appointment with her. First thing I told her, and I mean literally the first thing I told her was that I was gay.

    I was scared beyond belief, but you know what I felt so much better knowing that someone knew, someone I knew I could confide in and me secret would be safe with. It took several months of weekly sessions, then biweekly before I truly felt like I accepted myself. Then she gave me an assignment, because she knew, and I knew I was ready to come out to a friend. So I did.

    It really helped me having someone to talk to that was not a family member or a friend. Maybe it could work for you.
     
  5. Damien

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    Hi daniel,

    my dad would joke about gay folks, but in a good-natured way, not a mean way. But still, when I once joked to him, "well I might be gay", just to see his response, the look of disgust on his face I still recall...it was then that I realized that although he didn't really mind other folks being gay, he sure as hell didn't want his son being gay. I think it hurt but I don't recall feeling anything, I just recall that look of disgust. Maybe one day I will know how that really made me feel deep inside. Because I was unsure at that time, I was feeling sexual desire for guys as well as girls. Maybe I was just really good at covering up my emotional reactions, I don't know.

    The thing with fathers is hard, I know. Kind of had an impact on me, I must say. Anyway, there's no hurry regarding going to an lgbt group, just do it when you feel ready to. I think it might help, though. I'm planning to do so myself, when (ex) family responsibilities allow. Because just as sharing our stories here, and hearing the stories of others is therapeutic, I think that doing so in real life, would add yet another dimension to this.

    How to accept yourself...well I'm still struggling with it myself, but basically I have to ask sometimes, "what harm to anyone at all, is done by two consenting adults of the same gender having sexual intimacy?" And the answer is, of course, none, zero. No harm. So logically, there's simply nothing wrong with it. I guess it just takes time to really sink in.
     
  6. daniel27

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    Thanks, tried finding one but nothing is coming up at all, there are a few but not really sure if they are GLBT friendly. Have seen one before for some other issues so might go see him and hopefully he can help.

    Yeah I've noticed a few of my mates making gay jokes lately. Don't think they are making them more, think it's more I am just noticing them more. Had one apologise for it the other day so guessing the look on my face may of given something away.

    Yeah think it's mostly just time, will get there in the end.
     
  7. Jwis

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    All I can tell you is that there is light and the end of the tunnel, while that may not help now know that it is true. You will work through this at your own pace and once you get there it will be a much better place.

    I have learned to overcome what most people think of me, don't get me wrong there are still times I am a bit nervous, or wondering what people are thinking when I am clearly on a date with my boyfriend. Then I tell myself to remember not to care. If those people are going to judge me they are going to judge me, so be it.

    If you ever need to talk let me know, I'm always here!

    Cheers
     
  8. YaraNunchuck

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    I really empathise. I went through something similar when I was 22, I was just crying into my pillow and couldn't accept that I was gay, thought it was horribly unfair. But I would suggest going to the LGBT thing. It's an opportunity you shouldn't miss. Being around other people who are queer does wonders for the soul - it may feel like a big step, sure, but it's not one that means you're labelled for all time, you can still sort that out in your own head. But meeting people helps rather than hinders.
     
  9. daniel27

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    Thanks, I can definitely see the light at the end of the tunnel. I guess seeing that I'm not the only one that felt like this makes it a bit easier. I knew I had no control over it and that it was a perfectly natural thing but in a way that made me struggling to accept it seem worse.
     
  10. DoctorWatson

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    I'm glad we helped :slight_smile: Just know that if you're ever feeling alone, all you need to do is talk to us. (*hug*)
     
  11. Jwis

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    Yes we are always here for you. While knowing what needs to be done may be easy, putting into practice is a whole different ball game. Sometimes it helps just to vent too :icon_bigg,