Well, this is my very first post in the site, so I'm not even sure if I posted this in the right subforum. Sorry if I didn't! Anyways, hi! You can call me G. I'm 14. I'm moving to a different country in just a few more days, permanently. Because of that, I decided to come out to a good friend, and she responded quite well, not that it really matters, because I'll probably never see her again :< Because I just recently came out for the first time, I started thinking a bit about my life and in general about what being gay will change.. And I just realized, why would any gay man even want me? I'm NOT attractive/sexy. Not by any means. I have this huge forehead, terrible hair, I oversweat so I'm always smelly, I have a horribly ugly nose, I have acne and I'm overweight. Don't even bother telling me that everyone's beautiful. I am ugly. And I've ACCEPTED that. I'm fine with that. Don't bother telling me that inner beauty is what counts. Because to be honest, I'm an extremely boring person. I'm socially awkward, barely have any friends, I don't have any passions pretty much and I'm not particularly good at anything. (And now there's the whole problem with moving countries, I'm going to be that ugly awkward foreigner that nobody likes ._.) But my problem isn't being ugly alone. It's being ugly AND gay. I mean, I hear people say that gay men are always prettier than straight men. The media portrays gay men as beautiful. Take a look at ******! Pretty much every single person there is attractive. (I didn't actually use ******. I never talked to anyone or met anyone! I merely took a look at it) EDIT I guess naming the actual site is not allowed in this forum. But basically, it's a very popular dating/hookup app. And I get it, obviously anyone who uses a dating (>.>) app/site based on photos is going to look good. But honestly, if it's not using some kind of matchmaking service, how the hell is a gay man supposed to meet a lover? It's not like hetero people, where they can just dynamically meet other people and MOST CHANCES are that they can be their potential lovers. I mean, how am I even supposed to meet other gay boys, that are around my age? There are no gay clubs in school or anything of the sort where I'm going, or where I'm currently at. There are no specifically gay activities anywhere. Sorry for the long thread :X
You are moving to a completely different country, this is giving you the chance to start over. I'm not sure where you're moving to but most people are always intrigued and interested in new people who come from other countries. As far as not feeling attractive, some people don't look for that they look for personality and someone who is interesting and completely different than them. You should just be open with everyone when you move and try to share some of your experiences here I'm sure you've done a lot of things that people there haven't had the chance to do. As far as meeting gay people if you're out to your family you could choose to come out whenever you move that way if anyone else is gay they'll more than likely try to become friends with you since you have that in common. If they're not out then you might be the one to give them courage to.
I understand this. But obviously after a week of getting to know me, the novelty of being a foreigner wears off and I'm still a really, really boring person. I'm really socially awkward. I should just tape my foot to my mouth so I can save myself the trouble of having to put it there constantly. And that's when I actually talk. Most of the time, people have to be the first to initiate a conversation with me because I can never gather up the courage to talk to strangers and even people I know. Sometimes I come off as extremely hostile as well, even though I really try to be friendly. I don't feel quite ready yet to come out to my family. And I'd prefer not telling them at these times because they already have enough to worry about.
Hi Paplon ok fine, I won't try to tell you everyone is beautiful etc. But I must point out how much you sound just like me, when I was your age. Really, when I looked in the mirror, all I could see were my flaws, none of my good points could I see. I was immersed in self-loathing at that time, and it was a god-awful existence. The truth is, we all come into this world having to do the best with what we've got. Most folks are not totally happy with their looks, and many have to kind of work on them a bit. By the way, have you seen some movie stars with no makeup on? That can be quite an eye-opener. Sometimes those of us who have an unusual appearance - and I am such a person myself - can feel as though 'everyone else looks great, and I'm ugly'. But the truth is, most folks don't look like the people in magazines, and even those people in the magazines have been 'enhanced' via make up, Photoshop etc. So even if you hate me for saying this, I am willing to bet that your own aversion to yourself, makes it that you only notice your 'flaws', and that the flaws, even if they are not as bad as you think, probably really stand out when you are the one doing the looking. Why so bad on roomy foreheads? I've got a pretty good-sized one, but it hasn't stopped me from having some pretty darned attractive lovers. One of them actually looked like a model, I'm not kidding. (this was back when I was in straight mode, but I tell it to make a point.) Look, there's more to sexual attraction than just looks, otherwise I have no idea how most of my lovers were, to be honest, pretty good-looking women. Someone might be attracted to you for things other than your looks. And if you are going to say you don't like your personality either, well then work on it! At least that's something we can easily change. Learn how to be fun to be around, a thoughtful friend, etc. I wish I could help you see that you are most likely overstating how unattractive you think you are, but really I never listened, so I won't be offended if you won't listen to me, either. But still: do the best with what you've got. Fix the things you can fix (sweat, odour etc are very easily fixed), work on being fun to be around, and above all, let others be the judge of whether you are attractive to them, or not. If you go around with an attitude of self-hatred, you are projecting an energy which invites defeat. If you can learn a bit more self-acceptance, and by that I mean stop using such awful, subjective terms such as 'ugly' about yourself, and realize that you can't tell when someone, somewhere, is going to find you attractive. It happens, really. Ok I know I've given you a bit of a lecture, but I just couldn't help feeling like I was talking to a kid feels just like I did, so many years ago. I sincerely wish you well. Damien.
Honestly, I've seen a lot of those "stars without make up" pictures and for the life of me, I can't find a single celebrity that looks even remotely bad normally. In fact, I'm not a fan of make up myself, I think it makes people look TOO perfect, that it turns them imperfect. I'm not really sure how to phrase this, but oh well. (Kinda off topic, but just throwing it out here ) It's a stereotype, but every stereotype has SOME truth behind it; Men are pickier/shallower than women. I see a lot of really hot women dating normal looking men, but it's never the other way around. Someone might be attracted to you for things other than your looks. And if you are going to say you don't like your personality either, well then work on it! At least that's something we can easily change. Learn how to be fun to be around, a thoughtful friend, etc. I shower twice a day, I have an especially strong deodorant prescribed by a doctor, I use clean clothes and I change them regulary, and still, put me outdoors for 20 minutes and I'll have huge sweat marks on my shirt, which by the time I can get home to shower and change, deter everyone around me. Perhaps one of the reasons I 'think' I'm so ugly is because I get called ugly. All.The.Time. I get constant remarks about how my clothing choice is awful, how my hair looks like a wig, how my forehead is as big as Africa, and I even heard two girls talking about how unattractive I am a few months ago. (they didnt know I was in the room and listening) And this is all combined with the fact that I knew I was ugly before anyone even told me. How am I supposed to NOT project "an energy which invites defeat"? I can't seem to find the button. To be honest, you identified yourself as straight when you were 14 (as far as I understand from your post) meanwhile I'm gay. That's a huge difference in how society thinks we should look and act and just generally, be. If I was straight I don't even think I would be this upset.. And I'm sorry if I come off as a jerk/twat/just generally hostile. And thanks for responding.
No, it's ok, honestly. Just realized, was too late too edit, that what I meant by this: - what I actually meant by that, was to not assume that no-one is ever going to like you. I meant, some folks will, some won't, but you should not prejudge the situation by assuming that they never will. And about seeing unusual guys with hot chicks, but not the other way around, hmm I just dunno, never really given that any thought. But still, over to the 'gay world' - I still think that what I said applies. Even if 99 people don't find you attractive, number 100 might find you attractive. But that won't be up to you to decide, it will be up to them. I hope you understand my point here. Even if you think you are ugly, not everyone else will agree. And when that person comes along, make sure you are open and willing to accept that, keep your door open, yes even though it hurts when we feel mostly isolated. Some guy is going to find you attractive because it is the law of probabilities. Someone will actually dig you one day. By the way, just to 'touche' what you said, I just recalled that there was this gay guy who was a friend of mine, a really good friend, but at the time I could not accept his desire for me, back then identifying as 'straight', so I spurned him - and looking back, gosh he was a sexy guy. And I was still the same unusual geeky person I am today. But he wanted me...so there goes your 'that never happens in the gay world, only the straight world' theory! More another time, but it was good talking. Damien
