I can't force myself to like it anymore. I can't pretend it's not there. I want it to go away, and I won't be able to sleep at night until it does. Yesterday, my grandmother came over, and I could hardly look her in the eye. I had earlier found out that my mom told her I was gay. She's an Irish Catholic. Although she never mentioned it, I felt very guilty and on edge around her. On top of that, two of my family members are convinced that I'm a confused slut, just for hugging a male friend of mine. One of them is a lesbian (she was married to a man for over a decade, by the way) and the other is my god-mom. I don't talk to either of them anymore. I've considered "ex-gay therapy". There are two reasons why I haven't seriously considered it until now. 1) I'm agnostic/athiest/secular, and 99% of the therapy has to do with Christianity. 2) I won't take any kind of treatment seriously unless there is scientific proof to back it up. I know it has no scientific basis, but they could at least brainwash me into thinking I'm not a lesbian. My mom wants me to go to a regular therapist, but I don't see that as much more credibile than the ex-gay therapy. Therapy in general is pseudo-science to me. I'm convinced that my homosexuality is either a mental illness, or a part of a mental illness. I have bipolar disorder. Over half of the lesbians I know are either depressed or bipolar. With those statistics, I just can't convince myself that the two aren't related. I've been self-taught since 6-7th grade. My algebra skills are 9th grade level. I've been teaching myself Japanese on-and-off again for nearly 5 years and I'm still not fluent. Now that you know that information, give me one reason as to why I'm not an undereducated dipshit? I've been called "dumbass dyke" before. I'm not convinced that my homosexuality doesn't have anything to do with my lack of intelligence. I hate everything that has to do with lesbianism. Extreme masculinity, porn, sleeping around, perversion, sexual objectification, drinking, smoking, drugs, etc. I want nothing to do with any of those things. Every single lesbian I know (with the exception of 2-3 of them), whether in real life or online, is in a relationship, which is why I haven't gone to any of them for help. I do not expect someone who is dating to give a rat's ass about someone who will die with 70 cats. It's just illogical. I just needed to rant.
"Ex-Gay" therapy won't make you straight, and you said this yourself. Maybe it'll brainwash you into thinking you aren't a lesbian but more likely it'll just make you feel awful about yourself, and feel guilty about not being able to change things that can't be changed. On the other hand, regular therapy with a pro-LGBT therapist can help you come to terms with your sexuality and feel better about yourself. It's not surprising depression and other mental illnesses are common among lesbians and other LGBT people. I have anxiety and depressive disorders, myself. I think it's more likely that we feel that way because of the way society views us and treats us, rather than lesbianism being directly tied to a mental illness. There are plenty of people with bipolar or depression who are straight, too. All of the things you listed as having to do with lesbianism are just stereotypes... I don't want anything to do with any of them, either, and I'm sure you'll meet many lesbians who feel the same. You're still young, and it might seem hard now but I don't think you should write yourself off, yet. Well, really, you should never write yourself off. It's a little premature to be predicting your future as the crazy cat lady . You still have a lot of living and growing to do, and people to meet, and things to see. And hopefully along the way you'll meet a girl you really love, too. Also, just because someone is in a relationship now doesn't mean they don't care that you are feeling lonely, or that they never felt that way themselves.
This is somewhat offensive and all you are doing here is listing stupid fucking stereotypes! I do none of these btw...except drink socially :dry: these have NOTHING to do with being a lesbian! Any straight person could do any of these activities u listed
Bell your telling the stereotypes get to you too much , I know I hate it too the stereotypes but you and I both know we can't change our sexuality . Seems like your family , is the ones making you feel this way , this is why I didn't come out to mine yet because they will be treating me like this and making me feel this way . Hang in there bell (*hug*) I also don't have a girlfriend never even been with a woman in real life , I know I'm not going to end up with 20 cats and neither are you , you'll find a woman who will love you for you bell , why would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone you don't love .
I never said I want to be straight. What if I want to get rid of sexual/romantic attraction altogether? What if I want to stop feeling like some sort of sexual deviant? What if I want to stop looking for something I'll never have? I see no real difference between "pro-LGBT" therapy and "ex-gay" therapy. They both take advantage of people's problems and give them false hope in exchange for money. I'm not going to feel better about myself by paying someone to pretend that they give a flying fuck about my life. I highly doubt my manic-depression has much to do with society. It runs deep in my family, and I think my mother (who is also bipolar) may be bisexual. I can't blame society for genetics. I can only blame myself. Nearly every queer woman I've ever meet is either alcoholic or borderline alcoholic. I want nothing to do with that. The very few that don't drink are either already in relationships, or too young/old. The one woman who I loved more than anything stopped calling herself bisexual after I told her about my feelings. All of the "lesbian hotspots" have to do with alcohol and hookups. My "dating pool" is non-existant, hence why I know I'm going to be a "crazy cat lady". ---------- Post added 25th Jul 2014 at 11:42 AM ---------- All of the lesbians I've meet personally fit all of those catagories. While I've meet straight people who are the same way, I've meet several who aren't like that at all. I have yet to met ONE lesbian who isn't completely stereotypical, and I was born and raised in a gay mecca. Those words don't mean squat. I was hanging out with a lesbian friend of my cousin who said the exact same thing. Few hours later, she was wasted on the front porch. She leaned towards me with a bottle trying to stick it in my mouth. I had to get out of my seat and turn away. I told her I was underage, and she called me a prude. My point is, the words "I drink socially" don't really mean a thing. You could drink one sip of alcohol month, or be an alcoholic, and still use the word "socially". ---------- Post added 25th Jul 2014 at 11:56 AM ---------- My family isn't extremely homophobic, but it makes them uneasy. My mom once told me that my weight doesn't matter because I don't like men, as if I should only be skinny in order to attract a man. I was nearly anorexic back then, so that messed me up pretty badly. Whenever I saw a woman who was skinnier than me, I always assumed she was straight, and I thought my homosexuality was making me fat. It still bothers me to this day. Thank you. (*hug*)
Your welcome, it's not making you fat, lesbians can be skinny too and we look good for women not men(*hug*)
First of all, there is no scientific prove that those mental disorders you mentioned are related to being gay. Many people suffer from depression and only some of them are gay. A person can become depressed because things are going bad in their life. And again, not all gay people are miserable and depressed, some are fortunate to have accepting family and friends who help them through rough times. As someone who is depressed, I could blame it on being gay or being single, but that would only be some of the reasons for it and other reasons have nothing to do with me being gay. Secondly, you don't have to follow stereotypes or go to places that make you uncomfortable. I'm positively sure that there are other lesbians out there sitting home on a friday night wishing they could meet the right girl and not wanting to go to any of those hook up places cause they don't like them. That's why it is so hard for us to meet someone.
Sending you hugs... (*hug*) well its not easy to balance the heart and the mind... Sometimes logical things we do don't fulfill our hearts... To a certain extent, we create our own worlds. Our expectations can influence the outcomes. If we tend to look at the positive side, we make encouraging experiences, find encouraging information, which lead us to the next step etc. Maybe the best thing to do is doing things that make you happy... thinking about the kind of partner you'd like... and see what comes along... and maybe creating the oportunity from time to time to get in contact with people so that things can move along
While I am a bit more masculine than most females (I prefer the term androgynous), I don't look at porn, I don't "sexually objectify" anyone, I'm a virgin, I've never smoked, never done drugs, and I haven't even tasted alcohol! Ever. Nada. Zip. Straight edge through and through. Yes, coming to grips with one's sexuality is undoubtedly difficult, but it's hard enough without weighing yourself down with idiotic stereotypes, don't make it worse!
If you are not happy with the lesbians you know, especially if they fit the stereotypes which you want to avoid, then maybe it's time to find new friends?? I realize the difficulty of meeting people, especially other lesbians who live the type of life you do desire, but it's worth waiting for them rather than having negative people in your life. You may feel lonely, but don't you already? At least feel lonely without the drama. You will meet others, you need to give yourself more credit and find some confidence and the type of people you want in your life will come. LGBT directed therapy is not about paying someone to care about you, it's paying someone who will help you help yourself. Therapy is more about learning the tools to improve your life and your outlook on life. It can be very helpful. Homosexuality is not a mental illness, just as heterosexuality is not a mental illness. It is your sexual orientation. Your thinking of it as a mental illness only means that you have a lot of work to do in terms of accepting it and educating yourself. Maybe try finding at the library or online information about homosexuality to help dissipate some of these stereotypes which you continue to express. Many of us are nothing like what you describe, and if the majority of the people you know are, then chances are they would be that way even if they are straight; it's probably where you are meeting these people that is the problem. Intelligence is not correlated with homosexuality either. There are many highly intelligent, well educated LGBT individuals. You may not have received the proper level and type of education with home schooling. Look into your area to see if there are any adult high school programs that you can sign up for. This will be beneficial in many ways because not only will you become educated, but you will also build confidence and probably be able to find other lesbians who are more suited to your needs. Additionally, you will have better opportunities for employment and possibly higher education.
^ Good post Personal observation is not based in science and if you care about that, you can't let yourself base an entire population off your incredibly small sample size. If your friends are making you miserable, intentional or not, you need to take a break from them or leave them. Therapy is not psuedo-science, if you can open yourself up to the idea at all and your mom is covering it you should really go. You sound incredibly stressed, and depressed. I hate saying that this because it sucks hearing, but you are still young; your experiences will change your personal observations and stats if you open yourself up to them. What kind of talk is this? You aren't an undereducated dipshit, self-teaching anything is incredibly hard. People study Japanese for 5 years in classroom settings and still aren't native-level fluent, you have to go to Japan for that shit. The average person doesn't even remember algebra, or their multiplication tables, or much of any math; this is why big chain restaurants are starting to put tip percentages on the bottom of receipts. Most people don't give a shit about math unless it's in their job. There are people far less educated that are straight, you're not thinking reasonably here because it's easier to dig on yourself than look at the circumstances realistically. This has already been covered but yeah, personal sample size does not equal lesbians at large. You need to hang around other people if they're making you this miserable, or talk about this in therapy so you can figure out why these things are hated. Look on dating sties, there are TONS of single lesbians all over the US and beyond. They have people that care about them. Dating doesn't mean people can't have friends, it happens and it sucks but those people usually have some kind of attachment/honeymoon phase issues anyway and you should really hang with other people. Again, this isn't realistic thinking, you're digging on yourself. Sorry >: Idk if you want advice, or to hear that it gets better but it absolutely does... it will take time though. There isn't a magic sentence or pill that will make it go away, it is a process and if you are willing to open yourself up to it I really think therapy could help. It may take a couple years. It may take time to find a therapist you jive with. But if your mom has offered, I would definitely take her up on it; again, you sound very stressed and very depressed and it is damn hard to think realistically like this. You will be okay, even if it doesn't feel like it. Sorry if you just wanted to vent. But it does get better if you're willing to try it, even if it's only two days a week you can manage to right now. (*hug*) Sorry if this sounds naggy. I've been incredibly depressed and self-loathing, and projected it onto my homosexuality, and it is a miserable way to be and it can stop. But it won't be overnight.
I think the problem here is that the ones that don't fit these stereotypes are not IDENTIFIABLE... especially why you have an idea of what a lesbian is supposed to be/do/look like. I myself am rather boring. Never smoked anything in my life, never did drugs, rarely drink (maybe a drink or two on a friday out with friends etc) .... I'm rather boring. I'm also rather girly, in interests and appearance. (I enjoy shopping, cooking, dining out, arts, walking etc...) so you would most likely overlook me or any other lesbians similar to myself, and dismiss us as "straight". Now how do you find/seek out this girls... I have NO idea. Because most of them just blend with the crowd, and don't necessarily hang out in the "gay scene" ... probably due, in part, to some of the reasons you listed. I've been online on different sites/apps, and judging from the people I've come across, I'd say that the majority are actually ordinary women. They aren't women at all like the ones you have described. A few, yes, of course. But not the majority. Try not to feel ashamed of your orientation because of a few stereotypes. You are not alone... you just might have to dig a little deeper to find what you are looking for.
The ex-gay therapies you are talking about do not work. Science has proven that sexual orientation is not chosen and cannot be changed. We're born with it, so I suggest you stop looking for reasons to hate being a lesbian and start looking for ways to love it! There are terrible stereotypes for almost every group of people. The traits that you listed could easily apply to a straight person, or an asexual person, or anyone else in the world. I don't associate most of those with lesbianism anyway, and I think most people would agree. Being a lesbian is not about drinking and drugs, but about embracing a love for women. It's not so much about who you are, but about who you love. Being a lesbian doesn't change your personality, it changes who you're attracted to. There are lesbians who drink, there are lesbians who don't. There are lesbians who watch porn, there are lesbians who don't. There are lesbians who are masculine, and then there's lesbians who aren't (I'm madly in love with a woman and I'm about as feminine as it gets). Shouldn't the amount of lesbians with partners encourage you that you'll find love soon as well? If someone else can find the perfect girl, so will you, right? Just something to think about. Your orientation can't be caused by your intelligence level (you sound fairly intelligent to me anyway), or mental health. Like your eye or skin colour, it's something you're born with, and you're going to have to find a way to accept (and maybe even love) this part of yourself. I'd recommend learning more about real lesbians by watching YouTube channels, reading blogs, etc. to help banish those stereotypes from your mind. Self acceptance is a long and hard road and I wish you the best!
I actually have a high metabolism, and I'm fairly underweight, but I have an irrational fear of suddenly gaining a lot of weight. Aside from being gay, I tend to eat a lot of unhealthy shit, and my mom used to joke about how chubby I'll be when I'm older. And, of course, anorexia makes the body go into panic-mode, which actually LOWERS metabolism. I'm glad skipping a meal or two every few days was the worst I did. While I occasionally get picked on for being skinny, at least they don't say "You're a twig because you're gay!" ---------- Post added 26th Jul 2014 at 05:46 PM ---------- My god-mom blames me being "confused" (she refuses to acknowledge that I'm gay) on my family's history of mental health problems. I really do not want to stay in contact with her anymore, unless she gives me an apology. This all started because I liked to hang out with a dude more than those lesbian friends friends of my cousin who are a pain in the arse. "You can't be gay! I've seen you give him big hugs!" "I also give puppies and kittens big hugs. What the hell's your point?" I've thought about joining a dating site, but I'm underage. Plus, I'm very picky, and I highly doubt I'm going to find a woman who is like me. ---------- Post added 26th Jul 2014 at 05:48 PM ---------- Thank you. (*hug*)
It says your age is 17, I'm pretty sure more than half of 17 year olds are depressed or bipolar. Also if their is a correlation, I think you have the causation wrong. They aren't lesbians because they are depressed, their inability to be accepted or accept their own sexuality is contributing to their depression. Homosexuality is not a mental illness, that's why it was removed from the DSM, the worlds most reliable diagnosis manual for mental illnesses. Ex gay therapy doesn't work. You don't believe in God, so why are you going to go to a place where they will try to pray the gay out of you. All reliable scientists are going to tell you that there is no such thing as successful ex gay therapy. I doubt it means anything to you, but I said a prayer for you to come to accept who you are. Never let anyone tell you that you're not good enough, you shouldn't have to take that, even from yourself.
(*hug*):eusa_clap ---------- Post added 26th Jul 2014 at 06:43 PM ---------- Thank you. And you praying for me does mean something. I may not be religious, but I still appreciate it very much. (*hug*)
I don't think there's much more to add, but I wanted you to see this. You might've seen it before... I really love it though. We are all searching for our other half. - Imgur (&&&)
Hey Belle, I'm sorry you are going through such a tough time right now and I hope things get better for you soon! I don't think that any therapy can change you, if that's just who you are, then you sadly can't change it. You can keep trying to change, but honestly, when I try to ignore my feelings, all they do is just come back up more. I seriously have cried because I wanted to change that badly, but even that did nothing. Just made my feelings more noticeable. I think it would be better to just focus on ways you can accept yourself, which that can be hard, but I hope you can get to that point in your life one day! I don't have much advice for that except to realize that the only thing "lesbian" means, like others have said, is just that all your romantic feelings go towards women - That's nothing bad at all and that's all it means and has nothing to do with all the other stuff. It's just who you love and love is not a bad thing. It's a beautiful thing. I sometimes been skeptic of why a lot of LGBTQ people are depressed, drink, and smoke too, but that's really only triggered probably by the trash they have to go through. It also can be like with straight people, as to where depression and stuff runs in their family or they've been bullied or something like that - It doesn't have anything to do with actual orientation. So, yeah, I think the real reason of why there seems to be more people in the LGBTQ community is because well, there are more straight people and then, lots of LGBTQ people have to go through the same things because of their orientation. I've seen a lot of your posts and you honestly came off as a very intelligent person to me! Like, you speak with a lot of wisdom and respect - You seem like you have a lot of knowledge! I bet you are still awesome in Japanese and in math, but don't forget that those are hard things for a lot of people to learn. It doesn't make you dumb if you can't get it right away - Either way, I still think you are very smart! Okay, I'm bi, but I'm still not masculine at all (unless wearing a few caps and wanting to wear a tuxedo or a suit and tie occasionally counts), I don't really watch porn, but I do admit I struggle with masturbation - I started in 7th grade and didn't know what I was doing back then, but I'm honestly trying to stop for the sake of my relationship with God because I know He doesn't want me to lust. But outside of that, I don't sleep around, I wouldn't want to sleep around and I wouldn't want a one night stand - Monogamy is a big deal to me so I will only be with the one person I'm dating. I don't drink or smoke at all (though my dad used to smoke and still drinks) and I don't do drugs. I can see why the perversion does turn you off - I know even when watching The L Word, I cringed at the cheating and all the drugs and smoking and cursing and if I didn't know better, I would think all girls attracted to girls were like that - But when I realized my attractions and realizing so many people with the same attractions, I definitely couldn't think that was true. I've met lots of girls who are attracted to girl (all online but still) who aren't perverse or drink - It's hard to find them in real life and even online, but they are there! And I am dating my girlfriend I have met on Twitter from Canada, but I still do care about you and I don't think you'll die alone with 70 cats! You'll find someone one day, don't give up. I know you are picky, but you'll be able to meet someone who still meet your standards and probably relate to you a lot. Please don't think of yourself so lowly like that. I think you are an incredible person, Belle, and keep hanging on because you will go on to do amazing things in this life! Don't let these things stop you from being happy! There's nothing wrong with having attraction to girls and that has nothing to do with bad behavior. You are a prime example! Don't give up please and know that you are cared for by me! If you need to talk more, then let me know!
I realize this is old and you might not read it....but....I empathize with you. I feel your feelings every day. I feel we have a lot in common. Just realize not all lesbians are the same; not all sleep around, smoke, or drink
