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I don't think I'm well.

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by WearyWanderer, Jul 25, 2014.

  1. WearyWanderer

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    (Warning, long post. Sorry in advance, I just need to get this off my chest)

    Around the time Summer Break started, I felt like I was being too clingy to the few friends that I had. Well, mainly two. I felt like I was texting them way too often than any friend should, and I wondered if they really felt as close to me as I felt to them. So at the beginning of summer I stopped texting them. Keep in mind that before then, I had basically been texting them daily. The first friend and I have not made any contact whatsoever since summer has started. And that's okay I guess, he isn't really a texter usually. And he doesn't like to reach out to people.

    The second friend, who I am closer to, didn't really text me much at all the first four weeks. I knew that the first two weeks she was away out of the country, so I made a pact to myself: I'll let her text me first. That way, I can see if I'm the one being clingy, or if I'm over-thinking it. (I do that a lot...I am very self-conscious) So, I waited after the first weeks, and...she didn't text. At first I was hurt, but I stuck to my pact. I didn't reach out to her. I figured if she truly cared about me, she would text me sometime.

    So while this is all happening, I started to question my sexuality again. I still am. I had originally settled on just being gay. But now I think I might be bi. It's weird. Sometimes I feel like I'm definitely bi, other times I just really can't see myself being with a female. My feelings on that are really messed-up, but they aren't the point of this topic. The point is this along with the no texting made me feel rather alone.

    Now, I have felt very alone before, but nothing like this. I just felt like nobody was on my side, and that it was I and I alone to fight off the darkness around me and inside myself. At first, I felt terrible. But then, something in me changed. I don't know what, I don't know how. But suddenly I saw being alone in a different light; it wasn't a weakness, I thought, it was a strength.

    From this "strength," a new being emerged. I still felt alone. There was a pit in my stomach. And so I filled it. Me, personified as someone else. Someone who, deep down, shares the same emotions as me, the same thought patterns as me, and wants to help me in his own twisted way. Suddenly, I was both experiencing my problems and looking a them from a third-person perspective. I call this fiction "my other self."

    A lot of people find me creepy. A lot of people think I'm weird. A lot of people just flat-out don't like me. I had spent so long trying to better myself for these people, and then I just said why bother? If nobody likes me, my other self told me, then so be it. If I didn't like me, then fine. But at least I would try to be working with me to propel myself forward. No one else was going to be doing it, so I would have to work on my own. All people deep down are greedy. They don't just try to survive day after day, they strive to be superior to everyone else. It's all a competition, no matter how benevolent and giving some say they are; they all look towards the future, with no one but themselves at the top.

    My other self tried to convince me that I was better off alone. That friends would only get in the way of my progress. I could put up a front, act nice when I needed to, and try to manage the situation so I could get what I want.

    But eventually, I started to stop seeing it as a competition, seeing as how it was summer, and nothing really happens in the summer. There was nothing really to compete at. So I just reverted to being alone. I started to think. A lot. About various things. At times it was quite peaceful. I thought a lot about my sexuality. I'm still not sure what it is. Eventually I got kinda stressed over it, but my other self told me to not let my feelings get to me. That feelings were a weakness and that I should not pay attention to them.

    So I began to think about something else: death. I thought about the distinction between life and death, the thread that separates when someone is alive and when someone has died. That thread seemed to be very thin. With just one action, an entire life could be snuffed out. It's a simple pull of the trigger, a slit of the throat, a fall from a high distance. A fall. My house has a fairly steep balcony. If I were to jump from it, I would most likely hit a metal railing. If I timed the jump just right, I would have quite a good chance at dying.

    These are the thoughts that went into my head...that still go through my head. I have been contemplating suicide. My other self tells me that it wouldn't be too bad. Despite the initial pain, after that is over with...you're gone. No more pain. No more anxiety. No more questioning. The only thing keeping me alive is what might happen in the future...there's nothing keeping me alive that exists in the present. And even still, the future seems shaky for me. I have no way to tell if it would truly be better for me there then it is for me now. My other self tells me that it would just be easier to end my life now. It wouldn't be that big a deal, he says.

    So all these emotions are boiling up inside me, and at the same time I am trying to suppress them. And then, what do you know, my friend (the second friend) texts me with my name in caps and huge exclamation marks. After her vacation, she had to immediately go to an outdoorsy camp with no cell phone service. And she had just gotten back. Well, that was certainly a surprise.

    I texted her back, and we had a little conversation. She told me that she had met a ton of hot nerdy guys, and that I would HAVE to come next year so I could hit on them. Lots of wink emoticons. She was truly excited to hear from me. And that's when I realized...she does care about me. How was I ever able to convince myself otherwise?

    I told her I was going to bed eventually, and we stopped. Finally, I didn't feel so alone. Finally, someone was back for me.

    But he was still there. My other self. He told me that she did not really care about me. He told me that even if she did, I was better off without her. I had grown so much over the past month, would I really waste it all on her? I had found strength. I had found peace. All because I was alone. And so the next day I would have usually texted her. But I didn't. I instead waited for her to text me, which she did after a few days or so. She texts me every now and then still, and I respond to her like always. Although I have been trying to remain a little more distant. I'm not even sure why anymore.

    I thought being alone would make me feel stronger. I have been alone for most of my life. But now...I have friends. Why should I be alone when I don't have to? It's not making me stronger...I just feel, well, lonely.

    I want to tell her what's been going on with me. How I'm feeling. The fact of the matter is, I'm still questioning and I'm still contemplating suicide. In the past she has always made me feel safer, or at least more confident about myself. But sometimes I feel like it would be too much of a burden for her to hear. It is a lot to take in at least. I just feel like...why bother? Maybe I can deal with it on my own. But I also want to clear my head of my other self. No matter how I wish to see him as another person, he is really only me. His thoughts are my thoughts. I'm tired of thinking these thoughts over and over again. Trying to convince myself that I am emotionless, that I don't need friends, that I can commit suicide if I really wanted to. How will I ever make myself get better? It all just seems so hopeless.
     
  2. willycubed28

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    Let me start off by saying you are worthy to be loved, to be liked, to be cared for, to be called a friend. You seem like a very genuine person, and you take your friendships very serious. That my friend is a great quality you have and should not be taken lightly. Remind yourself everyday that you are awesome, and that you deserve people in your life. You deserve to have friends that will love you, and be there for you like you would be for them. Do not sell yourself short. If someone stops talking to you for whatever reason then they are the ones with the problem, not you. It just proves that they don't need to be a part of your life anyway. Just remember how awesome you are, and that you are very worthy to be called a friend. Keep your chin up. Smile, and love yourself no matter what.
     
  3. WearyWanderer

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    Thanks. :slight_smile: That really means a lot to me...I'll try to look at it that way. I'm planning on texting my friend tonight...should I? And how much should I tell her about what's been happening?
     
  4. willycubed28

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    I think you should, and I think you should be completely honest with her. If she is your true friend she will understand where you are coming from.
     
  5. WearyWanderer

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    Okay...thank you for your help. :slight_smile: it really means a lot to me.
     
  6. willycubed28

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    Well, I think you would make a good friend. If you don't mind me asking, how old are you?
     
  7. WearyWanderer

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  8. willycubed28

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    16 is a really good age. You still have a lot to learn, and yet you have so much to offer the world. Do not give up. If you need anyone to talk to, you can talk with me and anyone else here ;-)