I guess I should start at the beginning, but instead I think I shall start at the present time. I recently got out of a horrific, meltdown of a relationship. I once again found myself trying to force myself to be stuck in a failing relationship with a man that I deep down knew would never work out. It is kind of sad really because all of the relationships end the same way. I am told how I have absolutely no affection to give, I seem distant, and I put a guard up. Trust me, I have tried to "work on things" for them, but it was never enough. My sex life has always suffered whenever I have been with men. However, there is a beacon of hope. I have always kind of known that I was meant to be with women, but I wasn't raised in that mindset. I grew up very conservative, not allowed to show any affection or even live a life of my own till I moved out. I had plenty of crushes on my best girl friends growing up. At the time I didn't realize they were crushes. I think I first fell in love with my best friend in middle school. I could never admit it to her though.Plus she is now engaged to her boyfriend... I played sports and had mainly male friends. When I went to college I came out as bisexual, which seems normal in college. Everybody always tells me I look to straight to want to be with women. So I always feel like if I truly come out, everybody will laugh and think its a phase. In college I lived with seven women in a dorm style apartment. For some reason they did not like me. I ended up having to leave college for financial reasons and I moved back home. So I got home and started working two jobs. One of which was at a local baseball stadium. Instantly I fell hardcore for this chick I worked with, who was out. Unfortunately she had a girlfriend. We talked a lot and worked closely together. There was attraction there between us. One night when putting all the bouncy houses away, I had my first kiss with a female. It just felt right. Kissing guys has always been so gross for me. That should have been my sign, that whenever I kiss a guy I am thinking about everything else. My most recent ex, I was disgusted anytime he touched me. No offenses to men, but the male body completely turns me off.Hell, anytime I have had sex with men I think in the back of my mind just get it over with. I have had sex with plenty of women and it is a completely different story. I could kiss, caress, etc forever. I constantly notice women. That should have been another sign. Anytime I hung out with women and they talked about "hot guys" walking by, I was more interested in the women. So back to the time frame. I eventually met this guy and I plunged into that relationship stupidly. We got married and stayed like that for two years. He was verbally and emotionally abusive and until this past relationship I didn't realize that I wasn't affectionate with him either. Men tell me I am heartless and have no capacity for affection. The truth is, I have plenty of affection, it is simply saved up for women. Now here I am again stuck in the same situation. Being forced to move out. Maybe I should take it as a sign that it is my time. I just don't know though. I am so scared because I don't want to make a decision, then have it change on me. I don't want people at work to look at me weird because they see me a certain way. I wish there was a huge book for coming out and being happy. On top of all this, how do I meet women?! I work full time and anytime I have tried they said they wouldn't have known unless I said I liked women. What does "looking gay" even mean? Any advice would help. I just feel alone with this and I want to be happy. I don't want to keep going through this viscous cycle any more. I have no support system here at home and really could use all the help I could get.
First of all, Welcome to EC. I am sorry for what you have been going through with your life. I must say that you are a very strong individual and I applaud you for that. What's important here is that you know yourself deeply and no one can ever dictate what you and what you not be attracted to. I understand what you mean by being disgusted with the Men's physical body and I could say the same thing with a Woman but I can't really speak so much about myself since you have been with a guy and even had sex with them which I cannot even imagine myself kissing another woman. I know it must be so hard to completely come out to people around you since you were raised in a conservative setting (I was as well). Please know that you are not alone and there are people who are also like you, having to deal with all of this. Do you know someone who you can rely to? A close friend or a consider talking to a licensed therapist perhaps? Everyone deserves happiness which of course includes you so if you have nowhere to talk to, You are always welcome in this forum. Take care.
