I used to have everything figured out. I used to pride myself on that fact. I knew myself and what I wanted. Then things started changing. A year and a half ago I ended my engagement. I got into relationship after relationship with a success rate equal to zero. My current relationship is going to end, and not because I don't like him, but because I can't seem to decide what f*cking genitals I prefer. Now as I'm coming out as bisexual, I'm concerned that I might only be (at least) sexually attracted to only women. I went to someone today who used to know both me and my ex fiancé. He told me that he saw pictures of my ex with a girl. He said that my ex wasn't dressing well and that the girl was trashy. I made the stupid decision to look at my ex's Facebook and you know what, I disagree with my friend. My ex looks happy. He has been dating her for a while. And you know, I'm happy for him. I am. But I can't help but wish I could have just been happy. I keep making bullshit decisions. I keep f*cking up my life and it's getting really hard to deal with. I feel alone, yet I can't bear to be. Am I going to be happy? I honestly couldn't tell you at this point. I tried to drown my frustration in alcohol last night. Let's just say it didn't help and I don't think I'll be doing that often if at all. I am most likely going to come out to my mother tomorrow. Bring on the discomfort and pain and sorrow. I don't feel like I have the power to make myself happy. I'm going to go far away soon, back across the country where I go to school. Away from my friends, and most of my support, in pursuit of my education. I know the pain will pass. I know that it takes some people longer than others to get to know themselves and that you need to know yourself in order to give yourself to someone. But I can't help but feel that all of my endeavors have been failures. I feel empty. I feel alone. I feel cheated from the life I used to have. I have made some bad choices. I have hurt people, but everybody has, and I deserve to be happy too. So why can't I be? I try so hard. I've gone to therapy. I've tried being more social. I have tried dating people different than me, the same as me, in between. I have tried exploring new things. What is it going to take? I can't keep making bad decisions like this. I can't keep losing people. What? What is it?
Hello, I'm really sure for the things that you went through. It sounds like the focus should be centered around you and I mean that in terms of trying to figure out who you are as a person. It's true, we all deserve to be happy and maybe your decision to tell your mum is the best way. Talk to someone who you can rely to. I think moving far away is also a wise decision. Try to take this opportunity to reflect on yourself, disconnect from people for a while. I hope you have a great journey and I wish you the best of luck.
I cast I Ching to get advice for you. The way I understand the reading, I'm not sure if it's helpful though because I'm still a beginner, so please, bear it in mind, you should become aware of long-standing issues that have been hiding in the dark parts of your mind and creating negative effects. These issues are almost always undealt with stuff from one's upbringing, the way one was raised and shaped by parents and society. It suggests that you start dealing with and working on the issues that were shaped in you by the influence of your father. It's suggesting that you look at the problematic parts of your personality that you either copied from your father, or which arose in you as a reaction to the way he treated you (lots of kids learn their behaviors by copying their parents and model themselves on that behavior). Some of the most common are anger, irrational fear, arrogance, self-hate, tension, anxiety and self-pity. The second part of the advice says that to set things right you have to rise above what your parents, friends, etc. think of you and what you do or don’t do. There’s something higher which calls you, and that pulls you out of your rut. Don't please others but go your own way. Do not look to the outside world to solve your problems for you. The answers lie within. Be true to yourself under all circumstances. Wish you all the best. (*hug*)
