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I'm a horrible person today

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Tudor, Jul 27, 2014.

  1. Tudor

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    I'm not one to get jealous or down over materialistic possessions or buying power...but today is different...
    My kids (22 & 18) are due back from a luxury holiday they have just enjoyed with their father...5 star, all inclusive...my son enjoyed it so much he didn't want to leave...I should be really pleased for them...they deserve to be spoilt...both good kids...
    Instead when I read the message off my son saying how much he'd enjoyed it...I felt disappointed...sad and then really guilty for feeling that way because in truth I am really pleased they've had fun...
    but there is a little bit of me that is pissed off because I will never be able to do that for them...to treat them to a holiday and the reason is...their father...
    when we were together I financed his drinking and spending...in the hope of making him happy and then when we split up he left me with all of it...such a massive amount of debt I will never be debt free again...and him...he walked away scot free and just started again...another woman...another cash cow

    So the kids will be walking through the door in an hour or so...excited wanting to tell me all about it...and of course I'll listen and make all the right responses...but inside I just know I will have had to shut down...close everything off...because even after 6 years it hurts so much knowing how badly I screwed up and the long term implications for my life...I'm not sure I'm sharing this in the hope of receiving advice...I guess I just wanted to put it out there...validate my feelings in some way...anyway if you've read the above...thanks :slight_smile:
     
  2. SemiCharmedLife

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    You say your children are good kids. If they're good to you and you're good to them, it shouldn't matter that you may not be able to spend money on them the way their father can. You're still their mom. You're there for them when they need a hug or a listening ear, and you can have fun with them in so many ways that don't involve paying for luxury resorts.
     
  3. CuriousArticles

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    As a child of a mother who is not and has never been well off at all I can say is I have always appreciated that I have a good relationship with her more than money or the material stuff she can give me. As a "good kid" I can assure you that just being there for them means so much more.

    It's okay to be upset though. You are in no way a horrible person for wanting to be the one to make your children happy through financial gestures, especially with your situation. I would feel exactly the same. I think that the fact that you listen, even when it hurts make you an amazing mother.
     
  4. Tudor

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    Thanks for your input...gives me a different perspective...I'm not normally like this...money (thankfully) has never driven me...but I appreciate what you've said.

    Update...they're home and happy to be back...missed me...loved their holiday...crisis over, thanks
     
  5. PatrickUK

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    "Missed me" ... two words that mean so much and say so much about your relationship with them.

    My Mum is no longer here Tudor, but I can tell you with absolute certainty and conviction that I would give up any luxury to just have five minutes with her again. Nothing in the whole world can replace a Mother's love. It's priceless.
     
  6. Sully

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    My parents split when I was 8 and I still have a great relationship with both. Mum raised us since the split. We never went on holidays with her, and only now at 21 I've started to understand how difficult being a single parent would be. She sacrificed a lot. Dad was great, we went on a few small holidays. It was probably the fact that he didn't have to be with us everyday, to and from school, etc etc, that he could do that with us.

    Who's the better parent? Neither. I love them both equally. They both hopeless, annoying parents, and I wouldn't want them any other way, and I'm ADAMANT, that your kids feel the same.

    I really should thank them one day, it's just one of those awkward things to do.
     
  7. tulipinacup

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    Tudor, I don't think you're a horrible person at all. You do seem to love your children and are giving them the right to be happy but you also have to realise that you're human too. So it's completely okay to feel this way.

    When my grandma was still alive, her children (my uncles and aunt) were complaining why wouldn't she choose staying with them since they are obviously more financially stable than my mum but my grandma's only response is that "when you get older, you'll soon realise" and it's only when she passed away that she meant to stay with us because my mum and the rest of us really took care for her until the very end. She could have moved to the United States and had a better life there but she was contented with the simplicity and the love we gave for her.

    Tudor, you love your children and I'm sure your children loves you too. I think that is more precious than a stay at a 5 star Hotel.
     
  8. Tudor

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    Hey I'd just like to thank everyone for their comments...I am so glad to have stumbled across Empty Closets...such a supportive group of people...really makes a difference
     
  9. silverlining7

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    Tudor.

    As a child of a mother who worked two jobs when she was single and putting my sister and I above almost everything else. I can understand how you feel. I love my mom, she's always been my constant and my best friend, when my biological father was addicted to drugs, alcohol, and porn, my mom moved us away from him so that we wouldn't be influenced by that.

    When I went through a rebellious phase when I was a preteen she raised her hand and threatened to kick me out. She never raised her hand to me or my sister and when she did, it snapped me out of that phase. Since then I've tried to be a constant for my mom. I knew when I turned sixteen I wasn't going to get a vehicle, I didn't care. I wanted to make sure I knew what I was doing before I got on the road. I waited to until after I had gotten a job before I brought up the vehicle problem.

    I believe you're doing the best that you can, and I bet your kids know that, and I bet they appreciate everything you do for them. Just keep doing what you're doing and I hope you'll get your debt problem fixed.
     
  10. AAASAS

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    I doubt your kids give a crap that you can't send them on an expensive vacation

    If it is the fun times you are worried about missing out on try and organize little weekend vacations with them or ever over night trips around your area that you can afford.

    Everyone can have fun, with a lot of money or not.

    Look at Mexico, on average the people are a lot poorer than the rest of North America, yet their rates of depression, and mental health problems are a lot lower, and they are rated overall one of the happiest countries on earth.

    This is proof that money doesn't bring happiness, it can make things easier, and make you happy temporarily, but your overall happiness is up to you.

    I highly suggest you take them out to dinner at least; even to a cheap place, or go on small road trips/ events with them. You can even camp, thats about the cheapest thing you can do and basically no one can say I can't afford $20 for a tent and $20 for a campsite.

    Even if you work at McDonalds you can save enough money up for that.

    Get rid of extra expenses if that's in your way. Stop buying make up, or bullcrap you don't need, and spend your extra money on making memories.

    I really feel for you and know what it'slike to be left out, but I know for sure your kids aren't favouring their father over you for financial reasons, and that you can have just as much fun with them with 1/1000th of the money spent.

    Even going to get some ice cream or a coffee and sitting in a park or playing frisbee is enough to have a fun time.

    Do it, stop regretting, and make memories of your own with them.

    Being poor just means you have to get creative, don't let Western ideals of money blind you on that. Humans got along fine without money for centuries, and only now do we have widespread stress, anxiety, and mental health problems, because we're all in the rat race, and some of us just can't deal with it. It's one thing worrying about food like people used to back in the day, it's another to wrory about the endless array of stressors that bombard our daily lives.

    Car Payments, Gas, House Payments, Rent, Clothing(yes you now need to spend money on clothing to be considered socially acceptable when back in the day wearing the same thing over and over again though unsanitary was normal), just about everything in life can stress you out.

    Job security, health insurance, your kids education...etc

    list goes on, no wonder you are upset, modern life sort of sucks and sort of doesn't.

    This week alone I had about a years worth of stress because my car failed the e-test and needed to get repairs done before I could legally drive it again. Something I can't really afford, and I live in an area with no public transit, and in a country where public transit is hell in the winter; who wants to stand outside in -20 weather 4 months of the year. And then I had to worry about my job(could get fired for not showing up), and eating, and just about everything, all because of money, and the fact society is geared towards you earning it, and not just living and being comfortable..... and I live in Canada, the government already takes care of a lot of stuff for me and it's not enough. The stress also caused me and my boyfriend to almost basically break up, because I was so upset about it, that we had an argument about whether or not a car is a necessity or not; I think so for North America he doesn't.

    All of this could've been avoided if I had the cash to pay for it, and wasn't making shit pay....etc. So really money is the root of all evil, I couldn't believe it more, so don't let that get to you.
     
    #10 AAASAS, Jul 29, 2014
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2014