Alright everyone, this is my first post so I'd like to say hi, and I'm proud to join this community. I've been living what has felt like a lie for the past 22 years, and now I've accepted that I'm gay, I'm proud since it was something that had made me feel depressed for all these years. However, I've had the oddest experience since I've been out to a small group of people - is it possible to be a little too straight looking? I'll explain. All of my friends could have never predicted that I was gay, since I pretty much look and act pretty masculine, in fact overly masculine. My voice is too deep, even by my age's standard, so most people believe that I must be straight. I always wear pretty regular, nice attire and I'm also am quite handsome, not hot, but sort of have this classical movie character feel to me that also has a pretty charismatic and charming personality. Let's just say that girls absolutely love me, especially at my college, but I'm gay. Nobody really knows that I'm gay, and it's so frustrating, because I wish they did so I could talk with guy in a romantic way. Anyway, I went to my first gay club this week, wonderful experience, but I went with my best friend which happens to be a girl. Everyone thought we were a really good looking straight couple, in fact I got really long looks from girls, but... not from guys? It was so surreal! I went there looking for guys, but mostly girls were looking at me! Finally I talked to this girl from Texas and she presented me to one of her friends, I must admit I was a bit drunk so I kissed him and it was my first male experience, but I don't know... I wish it would have been different. It almost made me regret I'm gay in the first place, so frustrating, because I wish it would have been with someone I actually like instead of whoever I desperately found at that moment. I'm also really frustrated, because most of the guys at the club were all looking to hook-up, I can't imagine having sex without being emotionally attached and I can't seem to find it. I wish I were in a relationship, but how the hell do I find a guy just like me, who's not looking for sex?! In conclusion, can ya'll give me some tips on how to attract guys, or is it that I'm not the type of guys gays look for, and how do I even find a guy that wants to be emotionally attached in a completely monogamous relationship? Thanks (&&&)
Most homosexuals are hit on by the opposite sex more often than the same sex simply because heterosexuals are the overwhelming majority. Regardless of whether personal demeanor or degree of similarity to stereotypes, there will always be that imbalance. Clubs can be the place to head to for an eventful night, but it is rarely a good idea to go searching for romance in those environments. Sometimes chemistry could form with someone who is interested in something serious, but it is probably best to expect nothing for a night out until that moment comes. Go in with the intention of socializing and meeting new people. It would also be a good idea to check out the LGBTQ groups, organizations, events, etc, in your area and consider showing up for a few things.
For some reason I can't edit this post, but I'd actually like to include one last thing. Since most people talk to me like I have a girlfriend, or I'm interested in girls, it makes me a bit uncomfortable sometimes to either stay quiet, or go along with them by replying "Oh yes, she's hot." I'm a pretty sociable person, especially because of my job so this happens with pretty much everyone who I meet. It sometimes makes me feel that although I've accepted myself, I'm still living a double life. ---------- Post added 27th Jul 2014 at 09:07 AM ---------- I didn't know that fact, that's interesting. I guess you're right. Perhaps I went there looking for a partner, and focused heavily on that instead of socializing which I really didn't do till the end of the night. I'm trying to find groups in my area, but oddly enough there are none, so I guess I'm going to have to find events.
Not to mention, when we are determined to find a partner, we tend to lower our standards and start things with people that we might not truthfully be compatible with. The larger your social circle is the more people there are to introduce you to someone or be interested in visiting any LGBTQ events in the area with you in the future. Having friends who are comfortable with themselves could help you become more at peace with your own orientation as well. On the second topic, it can be very intimidating to be open about these things at first. Since you might not feel comfortable correcting their assumptions, I would start by attempting to commit to not telling lies. You might not feel comfortable changing the pronouns to 'he' in those conversations, but at least exclusively use gender neutral pronouns when speaking of relationship status and attractions. Some people will be wise enough to pick up on those hints and some won't; but the main point is to not have to deal with the guilt of telling lies even when you might not feel comfortable being completely visible either.
I agree, the issue right now is that although I have a huge social circle of friends and acquaintances, 99% of them are straight and I barely know many gay people, and the ones that I do know are lesbians, which I'm certain is also creating a huge dent as well. So perhaps whenever someone tells me if I have a girlfriend/woman in my life I simply say - I don't have a partner yet? I think that might make it different. Last week a co-worker told me that her best friend was really interested in me, I told her that I wasn't interested in her friend. Her face was that of complete disappointment, because I had flirted with her friend, but then again I'm usually flirt regardless of sexual orientation. She told me if I had a girlfriend, and I simply said that it had been a very long time - perhaps she might have thought then that something was wrong, since her best friend is really beautiful, admittedly. Do you think that was the right response? I also feel a bit awful for making her think something that wasn't going to happen.
Exactly, I would just keep things gender neutral until you are comfortable being open with your attractions to men. Unrequited feelings are something that many people have to deal with regardless of orientation. The best way to deal with the situation is to let the person know that there is nothing wrong with them; it is merely that you don't feel attracted to them in that way.
