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Nightmares About Myself & Coming Out

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Saucey, Jul 27, 2014.

  1. Saucey

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    The past two nights, I've had some pretty awful nightmares. Both nights I woke up from a nightmare and fell back asleep only to have another, and last night this happened two more times. They have me waking up to a full fledged panic attack - to the point where I'm shaking, hyperventilating, and fighting back tears. I've never been someone who has bad dreams frequently. I could probably count them all on one hand. The only other time I've had reoccurring nightmares in my life was after I experienced something very tragic back in high school.

    The thing about these nightmares that has me so perplexed is that they all have something to do with my gender identity. Every single one I've had the past two nights, I've been a male. This is not new, but every god awful thing that has happened in these dreams has been BECAUSE I am a male. I don't want to go into explicit detail - just know that most have included extreme violence.

    I recently came out as gender fluid. Honestly, since coming out I've felt incredible. I feel stronger, happier, and more confident than I ever have before - especially on my male days. So I don't know why my subconscious mind is doing this to me. I'm not worried or ashamed to be the way I am. I feel way better this way! I have sort of taken this coming out process head on. Yesterday I went out in public as a guy in my town for the first time (I live in a very "everybody knows everybody" small town). I was nervous for a few minutes when we left, but once we got to our destination it really felt natural. Nobody seemed to blink an eye over it. I wasn't scared at all.

    I've only actually told a few people who matter - but I have been looking for a way to tell more. I'm really sick of hiding it. Due to moving a lot and the fact that I make YouTube videos and blog with a decent following, I have friends in many different locations. Because of this, my best friend had suggested I come out on video and post it to my YouTube channel. His idea did seem like the easiest way to reach everyone. So I filmed and edited my video (didn't post it yet) and then that night, the first nightmare started. Now this has me thinking that this is a sign that I shouldn't come out so publicly. That something bad may happen if I do. And that is really upsetting me because I truly want to just be able to be myself and let all those around me know that this is who I am. It's really ruining my confidence with the whole situation. I just can't seem to grip on what my subconscious is trying to tell me.

    If anyone has any ideas or anything to say as to how to calm down about this, it would be much appreciated. Or if anyone has any tips on how to deal with brutal nightmares. I can't go through another night of this tonight. I really can't. I know they're just dreams but they have me terrified to even leave my room right now. :icon_sad:
     
  2. Opheliac

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    I made a thread once about a dream I had which disturbed me terribly and it took me quite a while to get over it. I got advice in that thread like listening to music till you get lost in it, drawing a scene from the dream and then tearing up the drawing, or (this one is hard) thinking through the dream and thinking of ridiculous, silly or funny connotations for the worst parts, so that it doesnt seem so bad.

    I know exactly how you feel. I had nightmares a lot a couple of years ago, and the one I made the thread about was the first in a long time, and I was completely shaken by it. I know that saying "it's just a dream" seems a completely useless thing to say, but you need to keep telling yourself that. It'll fade and become less severe with time, I know it seems like it won't, but it will.

    And don't let it affect your coming out. You've felt for yourself how much stronger coming out has made you feel. Go ahead and do it if you really want to. Don't let dreams take over your mind. I don't know if this was really helpful at all, but I hope it gets better soon (*hug*)
     
  3. Saucey

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    Thank you very much for the response. Although I do sympathize that you had to go through something similar, at the same time it's almost nice knowing I'm not alone. I am very sorry you had to go through this as well. It's awful. It's very late here and I'm terrified to go back to sleep tonight because I'm so scared that they're going to happen again. Those dreams made me see things I've never seen - they were a new level of horrendous. I don't know if I could handle another night of them. I will try the things you said. You're right, it's hard to keep trying to remind myself that it's just a dream but I am trying really hard to do so. Thank you. (*hug*)
     
  4. Bad dreams are tough. Trust me, I've had my fair share of them. But in the end, you need to remember that they are simply that; bad dreams. Your brain is going o use your sleeping mind to conjure up all possible (or not possible) consequences to your life choices and actions. It's trying to prepare itself for battles or obstacles that you may confront, but often times the situations our sleeping mind comes up with are not realistic or are far too extreme to be a logical or probable outcomes.

    Wait until the dreams calm down. That way, when you do decide to post that video, or anything else you do as you're coming out, you aren't paranoid. Maybe do some smaller, less public coming out actions to build up to the video. It might calm your brain and your nerves if you start coming out and nothing bad happens.

    Bad dreams are never fun, but there are people in the real world that support you and your identity. Try not to fear what your brain comes up with when you sleep, odds are, you will be fine. Good luck.
     
  5. Saucey

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    I'm trying SO hard to try to remember that they're just bad dreams. I really am. I know that deep down I know they aren't real but in the moment it's hard to keep that from affecting me. I've always been a huge believer in that my dreams MEAN something. I know the horrible situations my brain is coming up with are very unlikely. But it doesn't stop them from just terrifying me to no end. Thank you as well for the response.
     
  6. Opheliac

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    I know it's hard but just keep trying to convince yourself. It's the best thing you can do. For me, it wasn't the fact that it wasn't real which was the problem, it was that the images were very very disturbing and upsetting... even though I knew perfectly well that it wasn't real, the images were in my head and not leaving.

    It will fade with time, definitely. All you can do is speed that along by convincing yourself not to let it take over you.
     
  7. Saucey

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    That's exactly what it is. I KNOW deep down that I was dreaming and these things were not real. They didn't actually happen. And the likely hood of them happening, while technically possible, is extremely small. It was how disturbing the things I saw were. The sights before me and the things said and the awful awful things that happened to me. I've basically seen myself die a brutal death the past 4 nights. That's something you can't unsee.
     
  8. Opheliac

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    I feel you (*hug*) I know exactly what this is like.

    Have these nightmares been continuing every day since you made this thread?
     
  9. Saucey

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    Thank you. Yes, they have. Last night after I woke him up from one mid-panic attack my roomate gave me one of his fast acting anxiety pills. That knocked me out for a while without the return of another nightmare. Other than that, they've been happening every night multiple times a night.
     
  10. silverlining7

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    If you've heard of Sylvia Brown, you should read her dream book (s). I've had nasty bad dreams; for example. I love archery, actually obsessed with it. Anyways, I had a lucid dream where I was sitting in my front yard with my loved ones around me, it was also pitch black in the dream except for a few feet around me. There was a flash of light and I saw a huge mama deer and like ten baby deer around her. The flash also had shown a hunter going after them. I yelled and made a bunch of noise the ward off the deer.

    The hunter got really made and started shooting arrows from his bow at us. I became angry and chased him into a field across the country road I live on. I see one of his arrows on the ground next to me, so I javeln throw it at him. It bounces off his chest and he starts shooting at me. I take of running, I turn around and then an arrow pierces my throat above my adams apple. I hadn't woken up yet at this point, I could feel the arrow punctured my throat and when I did wake up I had a sore throat and a red mark above my adams apple foot a week afterwards.

    Obviously I didn't go back to sleep for a long time. Anyways, I got of topic lol. Sylvia Brown suggests that our dreams are our subconscious trying to say something important to us. I hope your nightmares go away and stop bothering you.
     
  11. Saucey

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    Whoa. That is pretty brutal 0_o I'm sorry you had to experience that.

    I think a book I had about dreams back in the day was by her. The name sounds familiar. I've always agreed with the fact that the subconscious tries to talk to us through dreams. I guess that's the real reason why these are freaking me out. If they're trying to tell me something, it can't be good.