I am a 23 year old young man who just last summer started having sexual encounters with men primarily in their 40's. While I am attracted to most women in the 18-50 age range, I noticed that I had also a strong degree of attraction to middle aged men since I was in middle school; something I decided to explore more dutifully just until last year. By now, I have lost track of how many sexual encounters I've had and how many men I have been with, for which I have no regrets. It's been an enjoyable ride given that these experiences have allowed me to develop my dominant side even more. I have always considered these encounters meaningless and have pictured myself several times having a relationship with a woman around my age in order to eventually marry her and have children. While I have not changed my mind about this, last Monday I had a NSA encounter with a man in his 40's who is making me consider the possibility of having a relationship with a man (that man being him). I find him very attractive not only physically but intellectually, and I am pleased that he finds me attractive as well (though I do not what he thinks about my brains). He has still kept in touch after we slept together, which is encouraging, but has made it clear that he is not looking for any kind of relationship due to work (I suggested being friends and getting to know each other a little more), something that I "have chosen to respect" (I let him know that "I'll do what works for him"). Nevertheless, he wants to keep seeing me (yeah, I've reach booty call status, but I am not complaining). While I am aware of what I signed up for from the very beginning, meaning I did not sleep with him expecting anything more than a good time, this changed after meeting him. I am also aware that at this point I am just infatuated but recently I have felt that I am eager to have something more substantial with someone... and I really admire this man. So, the advice I am looking for is: how can I awake his interest so he would want to get to know me more without being me on his face or ever revealing my intentions of a relationship? I do not want to scare him away because I enjoy having sex with him and I would rather have at least that than not seeing him at all. I am also wondering, how can I make sure he comes back for a third time? Our second time would be in a couple of weeks given that he said he definitely wants to come back. In a NSA encounter I do not have much time to work with. So, I am hoping someone in his age range can teach me how to be smart about it. While he may have other boys, I want to set myself apart and let him see I am his equal. While I am eager to learn from him, I want him to see that I can also hold an intelligent conversation at his level. I understand that it does not matter how perfect I can be for him, it will not work unless he is ready. But I sure want to try. I am a PhD Chemistry student and well studied in liberal arts. So, I want to believe I can do this with the appropriate amount of help... statistically speaking there is a chance. Thank you for reading through this lengthy post and I am grateful in advance for your efforts in my behalf. Sincerely, -Just an infatuated boy looking for more P.S. I am not looking to get married any time soon. So, the seriousness of the relationship with this man would involve companionship and mentorship until I am able to make a commitment with a woman. If that changes by getting to know him more, yes, I would marry him.
Hi, and welcome to EC. I can understand what you're asking, but I'm afraid that what I have to say isn't what you're going to want to hear. First, look at the last line here: If someone were to come up to you and ask you to enter a relationship for that purpose, how would you respond? To me, it would sound really selfish and very much like that person only wanted to use me. I'd run the other way. Second, you've taken a NSA hookup and are trying to turn it into a relationship with someone who's already told you he isn't interested in a relationship and who (sorry if this hurts) likely is only with you because he likes being with people half his age, and being able to do so without any commitment. This is probably not somebody looking for a relationship of any kind. Third, you aren't his equal. You're half his age. You might be intelligent, and capable of holding a conversation, but he has a lot of life experience and background that you don't have. It does sound a lot like infatuation, but it also sounds, to be frank, really manipulative on your part. I don't know if that's your intent, but that's what I'm hearing. So, to be honest, I don't really have any advice on how to manipulate him into falling in love with you so that you can take advantage of his knowledge and intellect until you find a woman you like better. I don't mean for the above to be harsh, so much as maybe something to think about. Relationships are built on mutual trust, respect, and, above all, authenticity. I'm not hearing a lot of any of that in what you're describing, so it might be worthwhile to take some time and think about what you really want so that you can find something that's more likely to be healthy and fulfilling for both parties.
WOW. Thank you, Chip. Your comment does put things into perspective and it does sound very selfish. You mentioned that it sounds manipulative and I do tend to be that way. What is sad and hard to take is that after having seen a therapist for about three years, I find myself falling into the same behavior patterns. I must say that it is not my intend to do so. Regarding your last comment, I do feel that I need to point out that I am still figuring myself out. I can see how this comes across as using him but, the thing is, I have been asking myself a lot lately why not try and experience having a relationship with a guy? I am trying to take it one day at a time and see what happens. As of now, I am trying to be honest bY saying what I think, but that could change. I hope I am making sense. I do feel lonely and want something more.
