I should have killed myself

The other day I posted a thread where I intended to kill myself. I also said something similar on Facebook, but blocked it from my parents. Unfortunately, my Aunt saw it and called the police. I was taken to the ER, and then I was put in a Crisis Center for 4 days. I thought I finally was making progress, and was really excited to get home and apply what I learned. Then it all happened. My Dad found some drawings I made and a ...toy... that my BF gave me. He then made a long list of rules I have to abide by or be kicked out onto the street. Here is some of them. "You will not cross dress or wear makeup of any form." "We will install a tracking software in all of your devices that have internet Access." and "No homosexual behavior. You are a man, not a woman."
My BF is now breaking up with me because they would find out about him with the tracker, and I'm at my Wit's End. Its hard enough being a feminine guy and repressing myself every day, but losing my boyfriend after we had such a strong bond...I just want to die more than ever. And I can't even look for someone else, because all technology will be bugged. I won't even be able to come to emptyclosets once installed, and I have ZERO LGBT friends. Or friends at all. I don't know how to make it, and I want to scream.

 

I only have 50 cents to my name, and can't seem to hold down a job. I don't think I'll ever be able to leave.

 

Not without causing a family feud. My parents would pretty much wage war against anybody I went to stay with. It hurts so bad because the breakup was so sudden and quick. We were texting and then he just calls it off. I don't blame him because his parents are like mine, but I was hoping at least a Skype call so I could see him one last time. At least one final "I love you", but now Im just staring at my phone, knowing he won't be back, but just waiting in vain hopes.

 

I don't think there are any around here. The closest would probably be Atlanta, but I don't have any way of getting there. And once the computers and phone are bugged, I can't look any up.

---------- Post added 1st Aug 2014 at 11:03 PM ----------

And knowing its all my fault for the breakup... it is too much to bear.

 

I would love to talk to the hospital, but they're one that you have to be referred to, and I can't just call them. And also, my dad does have every right to make those rules since I am living with them. But they are so unreasonable.

 

I live in NE GA, and I have had a part time job, but I never earned enough to leave. I do see a psychologist, but while I was away, apparently he liked their list of rules, so I can't even talk to him about it when I go on Monday.

 

I've tried, but I still just can't get over losing the ultimate dream job this week. I went from a job that would have rolled in serious dough, to looking for minimum wage and giving up on my dreams and my talent I love so much.

 

I live in the Jackson County, Franklin county area.

 

I lost it due to budget cuts and change of personnel. It was a video department job for a major football team. I quit both of my part time jobs because my ADHD would drive me insane from the same thing day in and day out. I don't really know if I can do another minim wage. And the football team I worked for is my LIFE, and I dreamed since I was a kid of working for them. But I'll never get it back.