Hi Everyone, I'm not sure if this is the right category to post this thread or it should be in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' area but with everything that has been happening with my life, I think this is where I should post my message. My name is Sam, a 30 year-old [turning 31 this September] gay guy from Manila, Philippines. I joined this community January of this year and was really active with the forum. I religiously post welcome messages to new members who joined after me and I often give advice to those I think needed my help. I stopped going online a few months after because my life kind of fell apart. I want to share this with you because its a bit difficult to keep this bottled-up inside anymore. Don't worry, I will try my best to keep this short and simple so you guys won't get bored reading. I [along with my older brother and older sister] started having problems with our dad last March. He started having a relationship with a girl younger than I am for more two years now. He was 67 and the girl is in her 20s. Long story short, he gave away most of his money to the girl and her family and what little money he had left, he still gave them away to our distant relatives who needed his help. At around March, he had absolutely no money so we, his children, started supported him financially. He started getting really stressed over the lost of his money and admittedly, we also blamed him for what happened. That is a bit embarrassing to admit, but yeah, we didn't exactly made him feel better about his situation. At around May, his suffered a heart attack and had to be hospitalized because he was so stressed about losing all his money and his girlfriend kept asking/demanding him for more monetary help even though she knew my dad didn't have anything else to give. Even our other relatives kept asking him for money as well. The support that me, my brother and my sister were giving him was just enough for himself. We didn't give him extra for his girlfriend and her family and our distant relatives [who, by the way, were strong and able enough to get help from somewhere, they are just too lazy to do anything with their lives]. Last June 26, he couldn't take the stress from all the people who kept bugging him for help anymore. Even though they all knew he didn't have any more money to give, they kept insisting he should help them out. So at around 8:30 of that day, he had another heart attack and passed away. Just a day before his 43rd Wedding Anniversary with our Mom [who, sadly, passed away 10 years ago]. Everything happened so fast that me, my brother and sister, weren't able to process it. We cried and mourned and tried to piece together what happened the past few months. I got really depressed [to the point that I was having palpitations and chest pains], I got really hurt and extremely angry. I felt deeply guilty. If only I was able to find a way to tell his girlfriend and her family to stop asking my dad for financial support. But our dad tried his very best to shield her away from us. If only I was able to find a way to tell our distant relatives to stop asking my dad for financial support. But those people didn't want to talk to us. They just talk to our dad directly. If only I had more money to help out our dad when he had absolutely nothing, I would have given him more so he wouldn't have to suffer so much. If only, we, his children, didn't give him a hard time when we found out he has been giving all his money to his girlfriend and to our relatives. Regret, deep realizations and clarity came too late, I know. Its been a little more than a month since it happened and I still cannot believe I am now an Adult Orphan. Its very embarrassing to admit but I am still in mourning. I do freelance work and most of the time, I do my work at home. And its extremely quiet here now. Its definitely not the same. The atmosphere became dark and gloomy. My aura also became dark and gloomy. My brother and my sister went to back to work a month ago and now they're slowly moving on from our dad's death. I, for some reason, cannot. Its hard to talk to my friends about it because most of the people I know still have their parents and couldn't really relate to what I'm going through. I tried talking to them about it but they just didn't understand. And much to my surprise, they seem to have disappeared afterwards. I guess, they're all too busy living their lives to care. For the past few weeks, I am just here at home, veering away from everyone, since they can't seem to be found whenever I tried to reach them for a conversation. Yes, I am deeply disappointed about it. Unfortunately, I haven't been getting any design work the past few months as well so my career has stalled for the time being. Perhaps permanently. I don't know. I'm not sure about anything anymore. Our dad left us this house so I just try to do as much housework and maintain it as possible everyday, in his memory. Its one of my ways to make it up to him. Its the least I can do since I am not doing anything at all, anyway. My sister and my brother go about their days as if nothing happened. We haven't talked about my dad's death because they didn't seem to want to anymore. As for the girlfriend [and her family] and our distant relatives. They seem to have disappeared as well. They never tried contacting us and frankly, we didn't want anything to do with them either. I might just totally lose it if ever I see them in person. So...yeah. Its a rollercoaster ride of thoughts and emotions for me everyday. I think I am at the Anger stage of mourning. I get irritated easily and I feel like screaming and punching somebody who might rub me the wrong way. I'm not like this at all, just to be clear. I don't feel like going out of the house. I don't have anyone to talk to. My career has stalled for quiet awhile now and I just clean and maintain the house everyday. I am turning 31 next month and my future seems bleak. I feel so lost and hopeless. Like its not going to get any better. My sincere apology if my post became a bit long. I didn't realize how much I wrote until now. I do hope someone would read this and can offer any words of wisdom/encouragement. I really do need it. Thank you guys in advance.
Im sorry for but you shouldn't feel embarrassed about your mourning, everyone does it in his/her own time and its better to get it out now than to bottle it up, but i think you should dedicate some "me" for yourself to try and regain some clarity and focus on your life
Aloha, Sam I am sorry to hear about your father's passing. It is obvious that you loved your father very much. But now it is time to show some loving care for yourself. I think you should follow your brother and sister's example and make a concerted effort to get on with your life. Start by getting out of the house more. Take long walks. Visit friends-- and when you do, try to keep the conversation in the here and the now and not the past. Maybe you should even take a short trip somewhere, just to have a change of environment and clear your head. Constantly revisiting the "should-have" "could have" past is not helpful or healthy.` And even you recognize you are acting out of character. It's time to leave the past behind and get on with your life. You're probably thinking to yourself right now, "easier said than done". But you need to move forward just one step at a time. There is no magic switch to flick and all will be well. Try to focus on the here, the now, and the next steps you need to take. Your brother and sister seem to be doing this; follow their example. All this will take some concerted effort on your part, but you will get through this. I wish you many positive thoughts in your effort and hope you will come back here when you need some reinforcement. With aloha, Milan
i am glad you posted this. so sorry to hear about your dad's death. i am an adult orphan myself. i nearly shuda,wudda,cuddaed myself to death. i think we all have guilt over are actions. when it comes to a parent that we have recently lost it compounds the guilt to a point that we can no longer bear. the way to honor you father best is to forgive yourself and move on with your life. your carreer maybe stagnating because you are. positive energy returns positive energy, the same with negative. message me anytime. i'm planning to check in daily.
I'm no good with words, but I do hope you know you're dad's looking after you and your siblings. I'm so sorry about everything that's happened sweetie, no one should have to go through something like that, ever. Idk of you believe in God, but I'll be praying for you. We all love and wish you well darling, even the ones who look at the post without time to reply still wish you the best. Goodluck <3 xoxo
You can talk to me if you want. I lost my partner a year ago, I know how it feels when you lose someone (I even wrote a looong post about it). What you told felt like reading my own words... Maybe months ago, maybe just right now... Death is a strange place: When it comes, we have no idea how to face it, we've never been there before, so the "I'm lost here" feeling is only natural... You just don't know how to face it... They don't teach such things a school, and nobody talks openly about death in our society... We are all very clever and ready to give advice about "love", but when it comes to talk about death, everyone keeps silent, or seem to keep silent... You don't feel like going out of the house... But you have to. You just have to make the effort of taking a walk on the part, it doesn't matter if it is just for 30 minutes or so. You have to "force" yourself to do things for yourself. At first it'll feel totally stupid, I know, but in the long run you'll see it makes sense. As I have said, if you feel like it, feel totally free to talk to me. You are not alone. Things will change, believe me... (*hug*)
