This past weekend started off to be a blast of fun. I found out that my grandmother who was 64 died unexpectedly on Saturday afternoon. She was so special to me, yet she was also very controlling, and had to have things her way which separated us from the past year. I never got the chance to tell her I was gay, although I knew she would have been supportive. I have many regrets especially from the last 6 months. When she called I ignored her because their was so much drama going on with her and I knew she was trying to drag me into it, and I couldn't let myself be dragged into her drama. Yet, now I regret ignoring her. I guess right now I am still in the denial phase. I still can't believe that she is gone. I didn't know my grandmother had a facebook page until last night, and I was about to add her, and then realized that I couldn't because she wouldn't be able to accept the request. The pictures of her looked very recent, and she was very beautiful. I am trying my best to deal with it, but the other bad part is my dad wants me to stay down in Florida til all the arrangements are made. They all have each other. I am down here by myself and I was told not to come up there til they told me too. I just don't know what to do with that.
Do not push yourself or try to force your feelings at this stage. In the early stages of grief it is important to just let your feelings come and go, as they will. If you feel hurt, allow it, if you feel sadness, allow it and if you feel yourself welling up with tears, let them go. Whatever feelings you have right now, just let them be, because it is totally normal. At this stage it's far too early to try to 'deal' with things. Grief isn't easy at all because our mind seems awash with all of these emotions and mixed feelings, that's why you must give yourself time to process and consider. I'm sorry you are on your own with all of this though as you really need an outlet. You've done a positive thing by sharing some of it with us though and I hope you will continue to do so. There are lots of caring people on here who will listen as you talk it out.
Sounds like an unfortunate decision but perhaps they mean well. Don't bring it up when you arrive, you'll probable regret it if you do. Loss can be such a strange thing. The world seems to be changed in an impossible way and yet everything continues to function like nothing happened. The only bridge between these two worlds is your memories. Take this time to preserve them. Don't be afraid to ask for something of hers to remember her by. It's all that's left you.
There's a saying that 'hindsight is always 20-20.' I know how it feels to regret not having done things, while the loved one was still alive. I still sometimes think, "if only I had listened to & shared more music we both loved (my father and I) while he was still alive, if only I had tried to share more of what we did have in common". But we can't have the past back to do over again. We can only learn from it, and what we can learn is that life is tenuous and fragile, and to make sure we spend time with the ones in our lives who really matter to us right now, while they are still with us. I know how much it hurts, and there is a natural process that has to be gone through. Sometimes tears just have to fall, nothing we can do about it. That too is part of life. I wish you well and hope you can take extra good care of yourself, willy, in this difficult time. (*hug*)
