I'm a lesbian....it still feels weird saying it. Homosexuality goes against everything I was raised to believe and if somebody suggested I was gay a few years ago I'd find the idea absurd. I liked guys n had a few crushes on em too. But I should start at the beginning. I was raised in the church and have a large close-knit conservative Christian family. I was born with a something called arthrogryposis and have been using a powerchair since birth. Needless to say this made me very dependent on my family for basic needs. I was home schooled then went to public highschool. I found guys attractive, they were strong, muscular...the ability to easily carry me is a turn on. But I never really thought bout sex with my crushes, I either liked em for their personalities or cause they looked strong. It wasn't really til after highschool that I started thinking bout sex, and sex with a guy wasn't all that appealing to me. But I told myself it was just cause I wasn't experienced, or that it was just virgin nerves, I had heard it hurts the first time. My family doesn't talk bout sex much, except to say wait til you're married, so the Internet became my resource. Actually it was a game chatroom that first introduced me to the world of sex, players in this game were nuts. Anyways I cyber sexed with a few guys, no video just chat descriptions of what we'd do. I'd get turned on when the guy would describe going down on me but whenever his penis came into play I'd get turned off. Again I just assumed it was due to my unfamiliarity, If I actually had sex I'd enjoy it. I wasn't ever exposed much to homosexuality. The few gays in that same game chat were pretty disturbing and only reinforced the whole being gay is a sin mentality I was raised with. So the thought of being gay didn't occur to me, not til I had a dream. I had a very close friend starting just after highschool. She became my caregiver and we became inseparable. All our friends were in relationships, which made her n I the only single girls among our friend circle, so we hung out together all the time. I even had sleepovers over at her place, mostly for convenience cause we'd be up late watching movies. I slept on the couch. One night a few years after highschool at home I woke up sweating n terrified, I'd just dreamt that me n my friend were in a lesbian relationship and we were scared our parents would find out. Questions flew through my mind. Was I really attracted to her that way? Was I gay? I think looking back, if I'm honest I did have some feelings for her, I loved sitting close to her on the couch when we watched movies. But back then I rationalized it all away by deciding I was just simply getting too attached to her, too close. I tend to get kinda clingy n have few friends so I grow very attached to people easily. Besides, she's straight, now happily married with 1 plus another in the oven. So anyways....I got to reading erotic short stories online. I'd look for stories with oral or fingers, skipping over the stuff involving penis. Now by this time I'd watched a guy jack off on a video chat...while one part of me was intrigued cause it was something new, I still didn't find it very arousing. But I told myself I'd get used to em, I'd grow to like it. After all women are supposed to like penis. One day I stumbled across a short erotic story that had a lesbian scene in it.....OMG it was hot! I immediately sought out more, telling myself I just liked it cause its all oral, I'm still straight. I've been reading lesbian erotica ever since. With the recent legalization of gay marriage in my state, there have been stories on the news etc of same sex couples who've been together 50 years getting married. This has gone a long ways toward changing my view on homosexuality. So the last few months, I've thought more bout being gay. I'd argue with myself, saying I'm only considering it cause I'm that desperate. I've yet to have a date or kiss anybody. I didn't know any lesbian so not like I had any prospects anyways. But I admitted that if a woman asked me out n I was attracted to her I'd prolly say yes. Well recently I was on this chat app I randomly downloaded. There was this woman who drew me in with her charm, and funny personality. She was offering up a picture of her ass, bragging it was the best n I had the guts to ask for one. We got to talkin n we haven't stopped. I'm cautious of course cause I've yet to meet her in person...but I adore her. She knows I'm buried in the closet n stuff. She's utterly amazing. Geez I'm sorry this is so long, and I'm not even sure if it's in the right category. I just needed to get this out there somewhere. Because of my dependence on my family due to my disability and their anti gay religious beliefs I'm not ready to come out of the closet yet, but I'm a lesbian....and I'm ok with that.
