Hey! It's been a while since I last did something here, and I'm making a comeback to figure out why. I'm just tired of explaining my whole story again, because I don't see how that could be beneficial... and that also leads to me finding hanging around in LGBT communities not beneficial anymore. I still have a year to go before I can move and be myself to a more comfortable extent, and in the meantime I'm constantly in pain inside. You see I live more or less alone for now, my mom is looking for a job at the new place. We have agreed to do this. But I feel so alone. More than ever before. Noone understands why I'm not checking out random ladies in the street, or why I'm looking for a meaningful and deep rooted relationship and not casual sex, or why I'm dissatisfied with my results, even though I've achieved everything in my studies that I wanted. Maybe this is some sort of coping mechanism, that I'm trying to avoid the people who remind me the most of what I cannot have. No matter how many places I've been to, I still know less about what's going on in my own head. And for the life of me I can't stop thinking about threats coming my way, what if this or that happens. I want professional help but can't ge tit because for one, I can't afford it, there are also no professionals around here, and lastly, I don't need my grandparents to know why I need this treatment in the first place. So I'm trying to hang in here. Any thoughts on making time fly by faster, or my post as a whole?
Isolation is a coping mechanism. Avoidance. Could you make a supreme effort maybe to meet some new people in the next few months - then you do not have to be so alone. You might even enjoy it. Try that something you have always thought you might do.. join an activity group, or social group (straight or LGBT) and just challenge yourself>> ?
Assuming that there are LGBT groups here, hmm it doesn't really work that way you know But truth be told I'd love to go to hiking events, and wonder around in nature and get to know other people there. The thing is though, I feel that's also counter-productive because even if I made friends this way, I'd have to leave them behind next June...
Ironically you don't need time to pass more quickly, you need to slow it down. Slow yourself down. There is pain in the past (regret) and future(worry). There is no pain in the present. So be present in your life. Take your hands off the wheel, your foot off the accelerator. Take the time to let you mud settle. Then you will be able to see more clearly.
As a long time sufferer of chronic depression... while it may be difficult to make yourself make contact with other people, and there may be setbacks and frustrations, invariably it is helpful for you to do so. Every time I have had a month or more of avoiding any unnecessary contact, I usually feel worse, not better. When I am with other people and engaged, I can take my mind off my own pain. Dwelling on an emotional state can strengthen and perpetuate it. If you think you should feel bad, you will feel worse. If there is anyone you can be with, do so and don't isolate yourself. People need other people. Thank you for posting. Good luck.
