Often when I talk to people - after a short time, they turn away and talk to someone else - or - I see their eyes glaze over like everything I'm saying is going straight over their head. Anyone got any tips for not boring or confusing people that I talk to? It happens at work, with friends, when meeting new people, even family sometimes. I usually steer clear of the big 3 (Religion, Politics and Money). I'm always polite, kind and use clean language. I have quite an interesting job and some unusual hobbies if they ask about them (but they usually don't). So... what to do?
I can't imagine why…if you follow those rules. are you too intense and they feel pinned down or are you simply imagining these things?
I'm the most relaxed person that I know lol... Oddly, it never happens when I use my second language (sign language) with other sign language users. Maybe it's got something to do with my voice - not loud enough or something.
I have the same issue, but its getting better…I found that this technique works pretty good Try recording your voice during a conversation and assess: - how fast you talk - slower, medium, or too fast - this one is hard to assess but you could get a good idea - is there inflection in your voice - are you mono-toned or do you have inflection in your voice - is your vocabulary to complex I am not sure if this will help you or not but I do know that when you assess your own talking pace, tone and vocab that you use; it really helps narrow down why people are either glazing over or things go over their heads. Once you know whats happening you can then figure out how to make conversations fun
If you want people to keep talking to you and not space right out or avoid conversations with you, there are a couple of things you can do. You may be doing some of these already, but I find making a conscious effort shows either way. 1. Be an active listener. Eye contact (but not like, constant, weird eye contact), position your body so that you're facing the person you're talking to, nod your head and ask questions here and there to show that you're interested in what they're saying. Which leads to number two... 2. Get genuinely interested in other people. Instead of telling them all these things that are interesting about you, ask them questions about what they're into or who they are. it doesn't even need to be deep, penetrating, soulful questions. Just find out what they like and what they do and if there are important things or people in their lives. Then, remember some of this information. The next time you see the, ask them "how is (person you talked about before)?" or "hey, did you get that promotion at work?" or "are you still loving your guitar lessons?" Many many many people like to talk about themselves when they feel like someone cares about what they're saying. And on the flip side, if it seems like you're just waiting to get your turn to talk about you, people are more reluctant to continue talking to you.
TheDreamWatch is correct, you are way too focused on yourself in conversation and it's turning people off. It's a minor flaw in your personality. Don't feel bad about it, it's easy to fix. You just need to learn to be a better listener. Start by overcompensating then once you get a feel for it, you can dial if back to a reasonable level. So do this, next time you are mingling take yourself out of the conversation completely. Focus the conversation completely on the other person. Ask them questions about themselves and only talk about them. Don't use "I" or "me" at all. It will feel really weird at first but it will get you used to listen talking. Once you have that skill down you can use it when you sense people are getting board.
Two things I've always used though it feels manipulative, a little bit. 1. Note something they are proud of, ask a question, find a way to give a relatively truthful mild compliment. Don't over do it. 2. Give answers and make questions that are neither too on topic or too off topic but suggest that you are engaged in the conversation; that you have a parallel set of interests in the topic, especially if you can get them to tell you about something they like that you also like that you don't know about. People (usually) love to talk the ears off of people that seem to really want to listen. These are so subtle people assume they are natural even if they are not. If I consciously choose to use these I feel like I was manipulative, but I don't know. It's easy with a little bit of attention span and memory. ---------- Post added 8th Aug 2014 at 08:54 PM ---------- Also does wonders for building your conversational memory. Nothing impresses/pleases people more than when you show in a later conversation that you remembered small details of the last one. Also don't cut people off very often unless they are that type, some people get really annoyed when they can't get a full set of words out.
I tend to be long winded and tend not to shut up when I should. I've been working on doing the "more listening and less talking" thing. It goes against my grain too and I have to actively stop myself from interrupting the other person. Like anything its a work in progress. I find it is much harder when I drink, so I tend to avoid drinking too much around people I don't know very well. I loved the advice about working on remembering things from previous conversations. Those really are wonderful ways to have people open up to you. I find a good facebook stalking before seeing an acquaintance can help too. Current activities seem to spark more interest that having them dig up older history..
Some good points already made, so I won't repeat them (because that's another thing that turns people off) but I would question if this is really about you Mangotree? Could it be more to do with them? Rather than thinking that you are lacking in some way, could it be that they are lacking in some way? I've noticed how much more difficult it is to get people to focus, concentrate and listen to what you are telling them. I'm afraid a great many people only hear what they want to hear and tune out to everything else. I don't know much about sign language, but I'm guessing there is a need to focus and concentrate for things to make sense. If you don't give your full attention you might miss a key point. This may not be about you.
