Hello, my name's Josh, I'm 22, and I'm completely in the closet. I've been getting very depressed lately and I think it's because I don't know how I could possibly ever come out of the closet. My friends and family arn't particularly homophobic, but they've never been too comfortable with gayness. Everyone I know around me treats being gay likes it's something disgusting, something that makes a person less of a human being. I've been isolating myself from them because it hurts me to think that they would probably hate me if they ever found out I was gay. The past few months have been really hard for me. Just a few days ago I found loaded gun, and spent nearly two hours holding in my hands, trying to work up the courage to end it, but I just couldn't. I want to live and be happy, but I have no idea how I can get any help. I'm a very reserved person, shy and quiet even on the internet. I rarely make any sort of posts online, but I don't know what else to do, I don't want to keep being depressed and on the verge of suicide. I want to be myself, happy and free, no longer pessimistic and alone. Can someone help me? I'm not sure what I want someone to tell me exactly, maybe some advice as to how I should handle my situation, I dunno. In any case thanks for reading my particular wall of text, I think that just typing all this out has made me feel a little better.
Hello Josh, I'm 28 and in seem to be in a very similar position based on your post. Difference is that we don't have guns in the UK... wonder how different things might have been otherwise. Well done for taking this first step at the age of 22 - don't do what I've done and wait until 28! I would feel like a hypocrite to say "don't do it", "don't pull the trigger", etc., but I sincerely hope you don't. I tried to end it over Christmas last year, and only in the last month or so do things feel like they're improving. There are a number of hypotheses as to why, but I'm sure one reason is to do with the optimism that comes with (somehow!) making the decision that I'm going to eventually come out. First, to myself. I think I'm nearly there. Second, well not sure yet, but coming out to my friends and family, who are all without prejudice, will be the most difficult. So yes... I can help you, but I will need your help too.
I was depressed before I came out and like the gentleman above I too probably would have ended it if I had a gun. I am so glad that I didn't just like I am glad that you didn't. what I did before my coming out was try to gauge how my parents might have react to the news by slightly increasing their "exposure" to stories involving LGBT. I used would occasionally tell them about mistreatment of gay kids in Russia and how they reacted would give me clues as to their opinions on the subject. As to your Friends I know its difficult but I wouldn't want to be friends with people who cant accept me for who I am. the thing is if you do come out don't suddenly change into whatever it is they think Gay people are, show them that they are wrong and that we are all normal people too. When I came out my parents told me that they were surprised because I don't seem gay (My parents don't really understand the whole Bi thing) but Im glad that I challenged their perceptions of the whole thing. I don't know if I've actually given you any advice but know that the future is getting brighter all the time. So don't kill yourself! (You cant get into Valhalla if you kill yourself!) AND always remember that we all love you! (*hug*)
(*hug*)Hey Josh, Closets are suffocating. The self isolation is a very common strategy for someone in your situation. Unfortunately it is fairly empty and miserable experience. Whereas what you most likely need right now is some support and friendship from people who understand this situation? Starting with EC people … please do stick around and share your thoughts and ideas. You can learn a lot just be reading stuff here and having conversations with other people on the site. Secondly you may find the urge to move on to find one or two friends in real life to confide in. This way you can slowly chip away at the negative feelings and start on a more positive road. If you think you have real depression, do think about seeing someone professionally or confiding in someone you can trust. Or, again, chatting about it here on EC. It sounds like you have reached a point where you have to make some changes. The changes you make will be a bit scary …. but absolutely brilliant!!
Hey all, Josh again. Thanks for the kind words and advice. I decided to come out to my older sister, she was understanding, and handled it well. She was a bit surprised, but said she loves me for who I am always, and told me that the most important thing to her and the rest of my family is that I'm happy, no matter what my sexual orientation is. She gave me some good advice and made me a feel a bit better. I asked her to keep it between us for now though, I think it's going to take a while to tell my whole family, but I'm glad I've started. I can't say I feel overjoyed or that a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders, I think I have a ways to go before I get there, but I'm glad I did what I did. My sister wants me to tell my Mom, but I'm a bit apprehensive for now. Maybe it's been mostly in my head how they would have reacted, surely the pain I put myself through was worse than what their reactions would be. For now I'm going to take things day by day, but I think I'm on the right path. As for those also on the fence about coming out or not, I think it is for the best to come out, just try to find a friend or family member you can trust. I'm sure we would all like to jump forward to a time when we have come out and everyone accepted it without going though the uphill battle of telling our loved ones, but as Mark Twain once said, "The secret to getting ahead, is getting started." Much love everyone, I'll try to keep you updated on how my own story on coming is progressing.
Glad to hear its working out. remember that you have someone to support you now and we will always be here to throw buckets of love your way!
