Do any of you feel like if you just "tried harder" you could be "normal" and be with someone of the opposite sex, get married, and live a straight life? I know this is unreasonable, but I have this nagging doubt in the back of my mind. Do other lesbians/gays feel this way? Is this possibly an indication I'm actually bisexual, or does it just seem like denial/bargaining that everyone goes through? I know reasonably that people don't choose who they are attracted to, but a part of me keeps feeling like I'm "failing" at being straight, and that I just haven't put enough of an effort in with men to be sure I'm not straight, or at least bisexual. I know it's totally illogical, as straight people don't have to TRY to be straight, it's just hard to logic with emotions sometimes.
Sounds like denial/bargaining, yes, and that's okay. Just something many of us have to work through. The good news is, if you're bargaining, you're a lot closer to acceptance than you think. It is super hard to throw logical answers at your feelings and have that work out, I feel ya on that one. Don't do the pretend to be straight/try harder to be straight thing. Think of it this way, if you get seriously involved with some guy knowing what you know about yourself and you both wind up getting really hurt when it inevitably does not work out, you've done him a huge disservice and you've also hurt yourself in the bargain. However, it might behoove you to figure out why it is that you feel the need to try harder, or why you feel like you're failing because you're not straight. Is it because of other's expectations of you? If yes, maybe try finding a way to let go of what other people want and focus on what's best for you and being who you are in spite of what other people say. Is it because you think you'll be missing out on life experiences that you want because you're not straight? There's nothing inherent about being a lesbian that prevents you from having the life you want, it's just that any relationship you have will be with a woman and not a man. Other than that, there's no opportunity you can't seize, no life goal you can't achieve simply because of your sexuality. If you can figure out what the root of your issue with being a lesbian is, it's much easier to come to terms with it and find a good headspace about it. Good luck with that and sorry this is so rough! (*hug*)
I've tried very hard to and I won't use the word normal , because I hate that word in this context . I tried to be straight and be the way I was raised to be ; I was bargaining hell I was the person that hated ,calling myself a lesbian made up stories about liking and being attracted to men on other forums that I've been on in the past , I dated men I didn't like men that treated me like shit . went as far as getting raped so I could be straight or at least bi because I felt as a lesbian I was no good . I knew my family would hate me , my life would be harder . I think your definitely in denial and bargaining . I just hope you don't go down the dark path like I did .
thedreamwatch- Thanks, you make a lot of sense. One of the reasons I have not just backed into the closet again as I have in the past is exactly what you said- I don't want to end up in a long term relationship or marriage with a man that will likely end in disaster. It's not fair to anyone. It's just confusing to me because I have liked a few guys in the past, so I feel like I could live with a guy and do "couple things" but the whole aspect of the physical relationship would be a major problem, and I need to remind myself of that, and that few guys would be happy to be in a sexless relationship. And I may not be fulfilled that way, either. I think the biggest issue is others' expectations. I have never had a problem with homosexuality or bisexuality in others, but when it comes to myself I feel like I will be a huge disappointment to my family. I also worry a bit about discrimination or negative views from others, but that is a lesser issue as I'm fortunately living in a very accepting area. The more I think about it the general concept of being with another woman in a relationship seems pleasant and comfortable, and so that is not the problem. If everyone in my life were totally open to and accepting of homosexuality I think I'd be very happy to just date women and not worry so much. Stocking- Thanks for sharing, I feel really similarly. My parents are not as homophobic as yours but I don't anticipate my coming out to them to go well. I think my mother will be distraught but eventually accept it. My father, he probably won't disown me or anything, but he may go into denial or treat my sexuality and relationships as trivial. I worry a little as I've only really dated one guy that maybe that was not enough experience to know. But then I know plenty of people say they don't need experience to be sure, either, and it seems like a bad idea to try to date or sleep with a guy just to "make sure" I'm gay (and of course, I wouldn't do that).
If you like a certain flavour of ice cream, and others not so much, do you try to change that ? What does your feeling tell you ? Where do you feel happy ?
Hmmm sounds exactly like me... in my teens and early twenties. I thought I'm not gay and I'm going to prove it. I tried everything I could think of to "turn myself straight" I was in my mid 20s with a baby on the way before it finally sank in and I admitted to myself "I like guys and there isn't anything I can do to change it". This, of course, lead to a couple years of bargaining and self discovery. I went through the"maybe I'm bi" stage and reasoned "it's okay to like guys if I like girls to". After a long road I know that no I am not bi. I am gay. When I finally realized the truth it still took a good while to accept it. I am 33 and I look back at the 30 years it took me to get to the point that I started being comfortable being me and wish I could do it again , but this time do it accepting myself. I am finally out to all the people I interact with routinely but not necessarily to extended family. Long story short: you have to discover your own sexuality at your own place. Nobody can tell you what it is and there is nothing you can do to change it. Take the journey at your own place and just be willing to accept the truth when you discover it.
@the storminside As I told someone yesterday if we live our lives the way family wants us to live or other people we will never be happy .
If you have to put a lot of effort into liking someone, you probably don't like them. Liking someone and wanting to like someone is two different things. Sometimes you like a person against your better judgement. They could simply look at you and say hi and smile and you're happy and it turns your world upside down. Do you ever feel like that about men? Or is it more along the lines of "He seems like a good person, I should like him"? Anyway, my point is when you're compatible with someone, you don't need to try too hard. Attraction happens naturally or it doesn't happen. And sure I used to think that maybe if I had a lasting meaningful relationship with a guy, I could be happy. Of course, that was denial. Over time I realized I couldn't see myself in a relationship with a guy. He could be literally perfect and care about me and I would still only see him as a good friend and long for a relationship with a woman. I'd never want to put myself through that because what's the point? It's not selfish to desire happiness, even if it's something your family and friends don't understand. You deserve to be with whoever makes you happy.
jay777- I suppose if women are vanilla and men are chocolate, I liked the idea of chocolate probably more than I like the reality, or maybe I've liked just one particular version of chocolate from one particular shop. But when I think about vanilla I feel like that's what I really want. I just worry how others will view me for choosing vanilla, and worry that I could also be missing a chance with chocolate in case there's that one more chocolate variety that is just wonderful to me. Redneck- Yeah, in my late teens I fell for a female friend and started questioning my sexuality, too, but due to circumstance I kind of shoved it all down and repressed like crazy. Since then, until recently, I'd told myself that I must be straight by default since most people are straight, or that I'm a little bisexual but it didn't matter if I could also like guys. Now I'm realizing I like women way, way more so I'm still working on accepting that. Stocking- You're very right. I just get weighed down with the impact of all of this sometimes. thekillingmoon- I guess I've felt like that about ONE man, and that was my ex. There have been a few other small crushes on guys before, and those felt less genuine. They were what you are describing, "He seems nice, is reasonably attractive, and has some similar interests as I do, he would make a good potential boyfriend." And though I was in love with my ex I had a really tough time with the physical aspect of the relationship. Part of my confusion is... I somehow hid my feelings toward women for so long, I feel like... what else could I be suppressing? Am I suppressing feelings toward men? Confabulating them entirely? It's kind of been making me doubt and question everything about myself and how I relate to others. I do think it's most likely I'm gay, or that I'm bi but so close to lesbian that yes, maybe I may meet the guy of my dreams someday, but it's definitely not something I should hold out for even if a part of me is tempted to try. It's unlikely that there is one perfect guy out there for me, especially considering how close I was with my ex, and things still did not work out in the erm.. bedroom department.
Sounds like denial. I used to think the same thing whenever I was coming to terms with being a lesbian. Once you finally accept yourself you'll be more comfortable and realize you're true sexuality and who you are attracted to
I'm going to break from the pack a little and suggest that rather than bargaining you may just want different things in an ideal dating partner that are somewhat contradictory. The "best fit" for you may not even exist I real life. I'll give you this by way of example (but I'm not suggesting this is how you are). A friend of mine was dating guys and found herself to be emotionally attracted to the nerdy homebody type guys but had the most fun with and was more sexually attracted to the good looking successful independent type guys who were almost the opposite in nature. She couldn't decide which type of guy she most wanted to be with. Her therapist offered the explanation that she wanted her children to have the genes of the successful guy but to be raised by the homebody type guy who could be more emotionally supportive. My advice is that you be less ridged in your thinking and allow yourself to be changed by a relationship. Think of yourself as a blob of clay waiting to be mixed with another blob of clay and trust the two of you will mold something beautiful together without having to know what that something is in advance.
mobrien1993- Thanks, I hope you are right stocking- Being hard on myself is what I do best! I kid, it's good advice. Monraffe- I'm not sure if I follow entirely, but I think some of what you are saying makes sense. I'm just not sure if it totally applies to me.. though I think you are right that I need to be less rigid in my thinking. I have always had a lot of trouble with things that are neither here nor there, and are kind of nebulous. I like things to be clearly defined and organized, and I'm probably trying to do the same with my sexual orientation. I feel like with the exception of my ex I have been attracted to a few guys because that's just what you do. That's why I say I think I liked the "idea" of men better than the actuality. It would be a lot easier to be with a man and not stir the pot. Well, I say easier, but really I know that while it might look easier from the outside it.. probably wouldn't work for me, and I need to remind myself that even if it's the more socially acceptable way to go, the relationship itself would probably be pretty problematic. If I try to think about a world where same sex relationships are just as common as hetero relationships are the idea of being with a woman feels a lot more natural, which is why I think a lot of my desire to try to be with a guy is a response to social pressure. I guess right now I feel like I wouldn't be opposed to trying to date another guy if I felt like I was really drawn to him, but the likelihood of that happening seems pretty slim. It's more likely my future will be with women. Part of me just keeps hanging on to that shred of "what if I meet 'the right guy?'" I need to find a way to get past that without totally discarding the possibility in case it actually did arise.
Denial. I used to have it for the largest portion of my life. It's a horrible feeling because you're blinded to reality.
I was married to a woman for ten years.. Sure you can pretend for so long but not forever. I'm out now and feel alive where I wasn't before
I used to think that if I try harder and concentrate more or whatever I'd be able to enjoy sex with my boyfriend... it wasn't working.
I can imagine myself with a woman... tho everything about that image feels fake other than caring and friendship... especially if I try to imagine myself having sex with her... let's just say a big NO!... I never interested in women in that way anyway. I always attracted to other males. Never dated a girl, even kissed one. In time of great need/survival people can do anything... even the things we normally abhor or think as too far away from personality. So I might get involved with a girl if my family pressed so hard for me to get married. Luckily we don't force each other for things we don't want... other than going doctor. My younger days passed with worries nonetheless about getting married and lying to a woman who puts her life in my hands with trust. Whose dreams now building upon me and our family, who in her own world thinks everythings good and she will have the family she always dreamed of... People may call me "heartless/cruel" in real life but this is where I draw the line. Pulling a trigger and killing someone is more humane than doing what I try to describe above, ending someone's life while they are still breathing. Anyway just babbling again.
I tried to do the whole "closet for life" thing but i couldn't, my insides hurt lying to everyone and i honestly don't think i'd be able to live with and commit to a woman. Don't get me wrong, women are great. But just as friends for me. I like the masculinity, i like to manly natures and.... to be honest, im not going to lie, i like the male genitalia a lot more too haha.
