Feeling really done

You're only 29.... I know that sounds dumb....But I didn't meet my partner until I was 32. Just past the 7 year mark FWIW.

My suggestion in our case (cause I was there too at about that age) is to focus on you. You have control to change your situation. Maybe you need to get out of your comfort zone, leave you surroundings and reach for a more meaningful existence.

In my case, this was focusing on my shortfalls. The things I openly and begrudgingly admitted were my own character flaws. I am terrible with money for instance and so I worked to pay off all my debt. I got to 0 before buying a house and a new car. But focus on the small things you can change to make yourself a better person. If you seek companionship or friendship, this helps you be a better companion and/or friend.

Possibly seek out an activity where you give freely of yourself without any repayment. Volunteering and helping people in worse crap than you are can really help. It helps give you perspective on your own life and makes you appreciate the things you have even more.

But for now, seek out the extraordinary and don't wait for it to show up on your door step..

 

When life is bleak and everything seems hopeless we can get to a point where we see nothing but darkness and despite our best efforts to find something to cling onto we can't. Is that really the end of the matter? When you say you're ready to quit and fade, what exactly do you mean.. can you tell us?

I highlighted the words we because I'm wondering if you have tried to get the perspective of other people? You have self evaluated and arrived at the conclusion that everything is fucked up, but would others say the same? I know it's your life and of course, it's absolutely your right to feel the way you do, but sometimes a different pair of eyes can shine a new light on things. You have the choice then to accept (fully or partially) or refute what they say.

You've invited us into your thoughts this far, how about going a bit further and telling us more. If everything is bleak anyway, what is there to lose? Your choice, but how about it?

 

I'm no good at helping people feel better, but if it helps just know there's people who look up to you. I don't even know you and I'm looking up to you, not because I feel pity for you (which I do) but because you are someone who has the strength to go another day. I'm so sorry about the way things have been going and my reply is probably totally useless, but I hope you can keep holding on. I don't know what adult life is like, but there are several adults I know who had the best time of their lives in their thirties or forties. I can't imagine how I would've turned out or even if I'd still be alive if a single one of them took their lives.
I hope things will get better for you really soon. I send love and hugs <3 xoxo Chin up buttercup! Tomorrow is going to be a new day so make it worth living. Love ya darling

 

You seem intelligent and you know this I bet, but... Everything is tainted to the worst and foulest flavor when the well it is drawn from carries poison. In other words, and I always find this hard to keep in mind when I am depressed, the way you feel right now is transitory and can be and should be improved. And it will be improved. This attitude can greatly help.

 

Anger and Depression.

Sometimes, it can feel like there is a war raging inside of us. Constant barrage by insecurity, repeated shelling by doubt, continual bombing by frustration. It isn't easy to muster the courage, to face these head on, and so we linger in one place. We want to stop the attacks, we are on the receiving end of. But we cherish our little bunkers too much, because they keep us safe; however, this bunker is constructed of acceptance. To gain protection, we have to accept the attacks. This will go on and on, like a broken record, and you will only wind up more miserable.

All the while, you are paralyzed in place, and you're being suffocated by Anger and Depression. As the pressure stacks, things can potentially escalate to a more severe and devastating degree. This is when we begin to bargain our life, in exchange for the solution that we, ourselves, cannot obtain. Loneliness and irritability are excellent sabotages to motivation, which you will need to, even begin considering, shaking this funk off. What are you interested in, or passionate about? Any and all topics or activities, are welcomed, even encouraged here.

I totally understand your spoken afflictions. It only takes a few assholes, and you shut the door to optimism. For a decent amount of time, I detested people, hated the world, and wanted to just watch things burn. You can embrace anger and depression, and they will give you an aura of confidence and presence of control. But they will exhaust you, right before crushing you. You have to use these feelings in moderation, or else they'll use you without it.

By now, you're probably thinking, "What the HELL is this woman talking about?", and I would not blame you.

Too often, we see and experience the negative, and very rarely, it seems, the positive. But here's the thing. It is easy to make a dead crop, but it requires a little more time, to get something you can harvest. I have noticed, most times, positivity and acknowledgement, tend to only show up at 1/4th the rate (not the exact science, damn it! Where's my science peeps? LOL). But trust me, it will come, if you plant a seed. Just what that seed is, well, it can be a simple compliment to somebody, handing someone a few cents in change to help them with a purchase, buying somebody lunch, offering to provide support for a certain project or event. To get the 'purpose stimulant' you seem to be seeking, you have to make an investment, one which may be longer than you would like, and wait for it to sprout back the favor.

You never know, who is watching, observing, and taking mental notes. Hardly anyone does, until we're gone, and we can't see who showed up at the funeral. I am sure, somebody out there, has become a little wiser, a little funnier, or a little better, because of you, directly or indirectly.

An example. I do my best to provide some input. I may not always get to it, or often enough, but it will come. While I am more of a giver than a receiver, it is always nice to be told a simple thank you, receive a simple hug, or given a thumbs up. Hell, I'd settle for a 2-for-1 McDonald's coupon, LOL! The point is, between my endeavors, I receive some kindly remarks and helpful reminders, and because I am taxed, it makes me automatically appreciate them more -- it instills, for that moment, a surge of purpose.

Now, that all said. Life is what you make of it, well, enough of it. You'll encounter failure along the way, but how valueless would concern be, if we all never felt bad, could never lose, and got what we wanted. I can go on and on, about these sorts of things, primarily due to the fact, I've walked a similar-enough path as you have...

I know how this story can play out.

To be a little more personal, for a moment, you are obviously intelligent. I know, you're thinking, "Ugh! Another intelligent remark! Is that the go-to for people now?", and I wouldn't blame you. Just know, I say this truthfully. To pick at something you, yourself, said, that 'response' you gave to somebody, about how you were feeling. No meager minds formulates that, no simple passion incubates that, and no worthless life experiences that. It's deep, though a tad on the macabre side. It can be a release, to be morbid and dark, and it works sometimes, but often times, we become enslaved to this routine and, well, become the darkness. We're right back to where we were trying to avoid, basically.

I want to conclude with something. This is going to sound absolutely ridiculous, but it is important to me, and to demonstrating something. If you would have asked me, 12 years ago, when I was 16, if I would ever slow dance with somebody, I'd have said no. Easily. I realized, by embracing such thoughts and accepting such futility, it was a classic example of the self-fulfilling prophecy.

If nothing else, remember this. You may not find anything significant in life, but the longer you stick around, the more likely you'll find something, or someone, interesting enough to make living worth considering.