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Internalised homophobia not going away

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by One Man Army, Aug 21, 2014.

  1. One Man Army

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    Hope someone can understand what I'm about to post :slight_smile:

    So, it's been 7 months since I 'came out' to myself and finally accepted that I am gay. Great. What's not so great is the fact that there's still something about gay kissing and sex that repulses me.

    It's a visceral reaction that has no bearing on what I actually think about gay relationships.
    I do not have any outwardly homophobic thoughts, but after years of being told that gays and lesbians are bad, I feel that I have not fully accepted that a) it's actually ok and b) it's something I want to do.

    When I see a picture of 2 guys kissing, for example, it turns me on and makes me crave a relationship with a guy, but there's still that reaction there. Like something at the back of my mind saying no!

    I want to have my first relationship with a man but I still don't feel ready because of this. Did anyone else go through something similar? How long did it take you to get past that particular stumbling block? It's driving me mad.
     
  2. ffxii

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    Hmmm, I had a little similar situation before. I'd get turned on by watching two men kiss or by watching gay adult movies and then moment after my orgasm I'd feel guilt and feel like I'm not attracted to any gender or sometimes that I might be wrong about my bisexuality and that I'm actually 100% straight. It took me few months, actually more than half a year to stop thinking about that thing and I slept with a guy and basically it just confirmed my opinion from the start that I like both genders. I don't know what to recommend you mate, this might be like forcing but try and watch lots of gay-themed movies, like The Shelter, Eyes Wide Open or even gay adult movies and keep telling yourself that it's normal and that you enjoy it - if you're gay you'll like it and you'll believe it if not then I don't know... This is probably not the best advice so maybe wait a little if someone has a different one...

    :wink:
     
  3. Kai LD

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    One of my fave philosophers said that you shouldn't feel guilty about enjoying things of this nature, but that most people get taught to some degree to feel guilty (for a million blah blah blah reasons). Your 'perversity' as you've been quasi-programmed to think of it is nothing to feel guilt about. This isn't super well explained hopefully I am getting the idea kind of across. Sorry a little distracted. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  4. SimpleTim

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    To you, what does an ideal relationship with a guy look like? Try to picture a relationship that seems normal and comfortable to you. Imagine a relationship that is very healthy, one that other people (even straights) are envious of. You can be lax and open to any possibilities.

    Even still, there are straight relationships which people do not approve. There is always people who do not approve.

    I'm wearing a grey t-shirt, and yes, no exaggeration, there are 2 people who do not like it and told me to change it.

    2 out of 5 people so far. I'm guessing the other 3 didn't even pay much attention to it. I think it looks all right, it's an athletic shirt, fits me good. I think it suits me. If I were to poll a survey, I bet the most common reaction would be "It's ok", and then there will be a handful saying "Don't like it".

    Same goes with homosexuality. Some people don't approve. But that's irrelevant. There doesn't seem to be any justifiable reason why love between two consenting men or women is ethically wrong. I think the only good reasons people have is "because it just is", or "just because I believe it is".

    Since there are no good arguments for it being unethical, then it's like my t-shirt. It suits me, and that's all that matters.
     
    #4 SimpleTim, Aug 21, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 21, 2014
  5. HTBO

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    I did have this exact problem. Do you have an area where you live where LGBT people gather, or frequent more often. Even gay bars may work. What I did was go to the gay village in my city and I watched couple. Simple things like holding hands or kissing was all I needed to see. I did this over a period of time as a way to normalize homosexuality. It did take awhile, but eventually, I was able to overcome my internalized homophobia. I am very comfortable with the idea of it now and with the idea of me being in a relationship
     
  6. burg

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    thats pretty close to my experience .after finding out my idol peter thiel was gay .and around the same time meeting some pretty cool gay guys.my emotional reactions finally caught up with my logic.
    just hang in there bro. reasoning always changes before our emotions.
     
  7. One Man Army

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    Thanks for all your helpful and non-judgemental advice. I'm sure it will change when I start mixing with more gay people in real life. :slight_smile: Watching LGBT themed movies is a great suggestion because I don't really feel part of the non-straight world yet.

    HTBO, your advice is good. I haven't really looked but I'm sure there must be something in my area. I live near a reasonable sized town after all. I very rarely see obviously open LGBT people in the wild, and being surrounded by straight people 99.9% of the time does make things difficult.

    I think I need to move out of my parent's house though, as they would go mental if they knew I'd been to a gay bar or such like. But that's an issue for a separate time.
     
  8. One Man Army

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    Thanks for all your helpful and non-judgemental advice. I'm sure it will change when I start mixing with more gay people in real life. :slight_smile: Watching LGBT themed movies is a great suggestion because I don't really feel part of the non-straight world yet.

    HTBO, your advice is good. I haven't really looked but I'm sure there must be something in my area. I live near a reasonable sized town after all. I very rarely see obviously open LGBT people in the wild, and being surrounded by straight people 99.9% of the time does make things difficult.

    I think I need to move out of my parent's house though, as they would go mental if they knew I'd been to a gay bar or such like. But that's an issue for a separate time.