This problem has been bothering me for a while so I figure its time for me to ask for some other advice/opinions. I'm just entering my 2nd year of college. Last fall, during my first year, I was so horny (no shame in admitting it lol) that I found a guy on craigslist to hook up with...in reality, the story is a bit more complicated. I know what most ppl say about craigslist hookups, but we texted and talked on the phone once for about a month. Finally, I gave in and went to his apartment. However, when I got there I gave him a blow job, he used a dildo on me, then before he could do more I got scared and left...but I've texted him after that and I know for a fact if I wanted to he would hook up again. The real problem here is that my brain is telling me: the guy is ten years older than me, and basically a total stranger, so why would I want to hook up with him. My horny side is telling me: I have a HUGE fetish for older and dominant guys (which he is), and also get hard at the thought of hooking up with a stranger, since it takes me out of my comfort zone. Now that I'm back at college, all I have to do is text him and we could have sex. I've been struggling with this for months, and I can't stop being wishy-washy about it. So any advice/opinions would be greatly appreciated.
Make a pro-con list. That's what I always do. LOL Gosh, I don't know. As long as you're being safe and using protection, then go ahead! Feel free to sexually explore. The only time "hooking up" is really dangerous is when you don't use protection or they're a COMPLETE stranger. Since you already had sex with him, I think you're okay.
Lol i feel like my pro-con list is basically pinning my rationality (cons) against my horniness (pros). Like to me it just doesn't sound like a great idea, mostly because I'm ashamed of hooking up this way, but then when I go a few days without masturbating I start thinking that I should just bite the bullet and hook up with him. Most of my issues definitely come from wanting to fit into the "norm" of just hooking up at a party with someone my own age, rather than doing it online with a 29 year old. I'm not sure how to get over that.
Try it, and if you don't like it, or don't feel right afterwards, don't do it again. Just remember that there is really nothing wrong at all with hooking up, even if it's online. Just do whatever makes you happy, and keep your wits about you - always use protection, and if the person creeps you out, call it off. Maybe you could tell your friends where you are as well on the off chance that something goes wrong (but you say you have met him before and have conversed extensively with him before - so I don't see that happening). Not everyone is into partying, and not everyone meets people at parties. Nothing to feel ashamed of. Sex is perfectly natural and almost everyone wants to do it.
Honestly, I don't really see how a pro-con list is useful for decisional balance on issues like this. I use them to take an objective look back at a scenario and reach a sensible conclusion, not to play out a conflict between my brain and my dick. If you aren't entirely comfortable enough having sexual activity with this guy, there's a reason for it. You shouldn't have to be having a war with your brain just to psyche yourself up to engage in sexual activity, and exhibiting a 'flight' response in your psychological behaviour the last time you attempted it is a major warning sign that this isn't the situation for you. Sure, sex is about trial and error. But that's to see what you do and don't like, and even that should be done with comfort. To have such anxiety about the very person and general situation that you're considering any sexual activity with is a major warning sign in itself, and you won't enjoy any of it if your entire focus is on how right or wrong you're feeling. It certainly won't help your 'horniness', so chances are you'd leave feeling both unsatisfied and even more scared about the whole situation. Sex - whether it be a hook-up, arrangement or relationship - isn't something that should be done when you're scared. Anxiety is perfectly natural, but not when its largely aimed at the person you're considering the act with and the situation it occurs under. Your anxiety and previous response in the situation are warning signs that you can't just brush off, so I don't really know what you'd hope to achieve by trying to force yourself into that scenario a second time.
I feel you. I am also sometimes very horny, I go online, find some guys who are regular men with their needs, but then, I'm afraid - what if the guy is weird? What if I get HIV? Can't help you. Except for saying - you're not alone.
Three comments from your posting really stood out: 1. "I got scared and left" 2. "It takes me out of my comfort zone" 3. "I've been struggling with this for months" Add those three things together and it would seem you are not really in the right place to pursue another hook up with this guy. Even though the idea of going with him satisfies a fantasy and gets you hard, the reality is something different. Personally, I think you need to listen to your vibes about this. Sex should be something good, not something to get worked up about like this.
Personally I would not do it. There are many dangers out there and it just is not worth the risk to me. I been there so many times where guys offered to have sex with me and I turned all those offers down out of fear. When I think back on it i could got a disease or even worse. Even thought I don't recommend it the choice is up to you and I would at least use safe sex and most importantly meet him in public at first.
Yeah, others have told me similar stuff about me listening to my instincts. But the interesting thing is, I think I really do want to hook up with this guy, but whats making me so uncomfortable is what would happen if my friends found out or even just thinking about their reactions scares me into not going for it. The night I backed out of having sex with him, I wasn't necessarily scared for myself, but I just kept thinking about the shame of my friends finding out. Although, for those who say i would regret it later, I'm not sure this is true. After all, I still gave him a blow job and did other stuff and I didn't feel bad about it afterwards
What specifically about you hooking up would be a problem for your friends? Is it the hooking up in any way, shape,or form? Hooking up with a guy? Hooking up with a guy who is significantly older than you? Something else? Knowing the source of your anxiety can help you view it more rationally, either as a step toward overcoming it or determining it has a rational basis and you should listen to it. Todd
