I cant believe I need advice on relationships..

Oh boy.. Me... of all people... am writing out a who knows how long thread thingy about relationships.

Yes.. me.. the.. socially awkward, selective mute boy with a phobia of people. Who woulda known right?

See... the thing is.. I have this little issue with a boy, and frankly, the more I think about it the father I get from a resolution... and sure people have said "just do what you want" or "follow your heart" and while thats all good advice, what I want, and what my heart is saying is two completely different paths to take. So theres that.

Lemme elaborate more.

First theres me.. I have major trust issues due to how Ive grown up and how I continue to live. Needless to say, I was a foster kid, and abusive families tend to be luck Ive had. (10/10 dont recommend) That being said, once you ruin the trust I have for you.. Youre basically done. Ill shut myself off from you in fear of being hurt or trusting the wrong people. Naturally, it takes me forever to warm up to people, for me to.. be comfortable around them, or to even consider a friend a friend. Literally.. I have no friends (in real life) because of the severe anxiety I have over all this. Thats just the gist but you get the picture.

Then theres him...

You know they say perfection isnt actually a think, but he comes pretty dang close to perfection in my eyes. He has his flaws sure, but hes still pretty stinking perfect. When he wants to be, he is the sweetest most caring person youll ever meet... He makes friends like its nothing... He can charm you in an instant.. he's so charismatic its unbelievable. Not to mention hes gorgeous.. Hes like.. the opposite of me.. grew up in a great home.. rich.. lovable.. hes got a family that cares... people dont hate him like they hate me... Hes too nice not to.. He gets along with every group or type of people in the stereotypical high school crowd. Hes a punk kid like me... not as "emo" as they call it, but a punk kid... but he gets along with the nerds, the jocks, the blonde barbies, the weirdos, the alternatives, the band kids but most of all.. he gets along with me.. and that kids... is a downright miracle ..

The problem.. i dont even know where to start..

We dated.. for almost a year... after he asked me out.. well.. no actually he basically declared "you're mine" but it really was in the cutest way.. Story book like almost I can tell you. I trusted him instantly..and i NEVER do that... it was terrifying.. but i loved it.. loved him.. And we were perfect too.. He was the sweetest.. protected me from everyone who hurt me... exposed me to the world and allowed me to try things Ive never done.. He put up with my depression.. and with my "I just want to cry, eat icecream and watch mean girls a million times okay?" kind of moods... and we got out of trouble so many times.. Like the time he accidentally broke the tv when his mum was out.. and we had to dispose of the evidence and buy a new tv in a few hours.. He just.. got me.. and I dont talk, but he knew what i was thinking.. no matter what.. My depression started to lessen... I felt happy... for the first time in years... And he made me a promise that life would get better...and the moment he could hed sweep me away and wed plan a wedding.

Then we started to fight... and all couples have their fights.. I get it, its healthy... but not like this... It was over stupid things..and.. he never tried to help fix it between us.. Id always appologize.. even when it wasnt my fault.. but hed pick at everything i did... made it seem wrong.. like everything i did was wrong.. and then id get mad to... and fight back.. pick at him till we were both beyond mad.. hed be screaming and Id be pacing, grabbing at myself wanting to blow up from frustration... and wed stay away from each other for days (even though i had been living with him) untill i broke down and said sorry...

but one fight got too bad i guess... and he pinned me against the wall and just screamed at me.. he never gets violent or mean... but he was mean.. the words he said to me... it hurt so bad... and he knew it would.. it was his GOAL at the time.. He said he thought he loved me... and.. told me to go.. get out.. that we were done.. that he couldnt stand to look at my face anymore... so i did.. got my more important things... left my promise ring behind.. and went to my home... to the abuse...

he didnt talk to me for a few months... didnt say a single word... Dropped my things off in a box with a note simply saying "heres your shit". It toxic... I went into spell after spell of depression.. and.. i got bad.. really bad.. I had been hurt by the one i finally let myself trust... and I couldnt blame him.. I blamed myself... because I was the one who let my walls down for someone.. it was my own fault that i put myself in the position to be broken down. I know that everything good that happens to me only lasts a short while..


However... a few days or so ago... he left me a note saying he wanted to talk.. wanted to make up for it by taking me to an amusement park.. i debated not doing it.. but i went to his house.. and heard him out.. let him apologize. Ended up sleeping on his couch over night... and agreed to go with him to the amusement park.. worst idea ever, might I add. I hate crowds, heights, and frankly, being around him at that point of time.The whole time.. he tried to hold my hand... made small comments implying us getting back together.. he insisted in carrying me when I got tired of walking around.. He didnt get it... just because I let him apologize didnt mean I forgave him completely..

Im so conflicted on how I feel over all this... I want to get away... I dont want to be with him because he hurt me... and.. he would be prone to doing it again.. I dont think I CAN trust him.. He didnt do anything big.. like cheat on me.. or get abusive... but to me... the small things matter to... its just how I am... Ive grown to be afraid of everything around me... and.. it really hurt me.. more than youd think... but at the same time.. I wanted to give in the whole time.. Let him hold my hand... let him hug me.. let him near me.. let him do what he did best... love me... cause i missed the feeling.. missed him.. how we were... but my mind was telling me not to... i want to not feel this way. but i cant stop it.. no matter how hard I try.

I honestly dont know what the point of taking the time to explain this to probably no one who will read it.. But i did... and I dont know what to do... What would you do? I just should have never gotten involved in relationships... I had done find being all by myself.. and this just give me one giant.. never ending migraine I swear.. anyways.. ill just keep it at that.. sorry it was long or if theres spelling or grammar mistakes.. I kinda went into a rage/rant mode for a while Dx :bang:


then the depressing moment you posted this entire thing in possibly the wrong spot.. greaaaattttt *proceeds to sulk*

 

@Shinji

Firstly *give you a cookie for the long post* thanks for replying in the first place ;~; It was really appreciated. Ill just kinda.. briefly reply to the different points you made in order that youve made them..

Yes, he is REALLY quite rich.. like.. its insane.. but he acts.. normal... like.. he doesnt let the richness get to him.. hes not conceded or stuck up or anything.. he lives in a nice house... but not a richy rich house.. its.. normal.. Like.. you walk in and its just.. friendly.. and its .. you can tell a sweet family lives there.. a bunch of pictures of family.. hand down home things.. its.. fantastic..You wouldnt know hes so rich unless you got to know him.. Heck I didnt know he had so much money until a while after we started going out, and hed get mad because id always be like "no.. nothing spectacular, no fancy gifts just.. if you HAVE to get me something just get a cute lil teddy bear for 5 dollars or less okay ;-;"

He really isnt a bad person.. hes super sweet... honestly.. the entire time i knew him he was the sweetest... and super nice.. and was just.. wonderful. All his friends love him, hes who they turn to for advice... He isnt a mean person.. He hardly ever yelled or got mad at me or anything.. not until the end and i dont know why it happened... or how it started to happen.. he changed into someone i didnt know... i guess... and i personally dont think hes drama obsessed.. always complained about how the world had to much drama... and we both tried to avoid it as much as possible ;~;

Me and my anxiety is a total other subject.. and a long long LONG story.. so.. ill save it for another time >~<

and lastly.. in regards for you edit. Yes, his mum knew about us. It was just him and his mom, for his dad left when he was really young. His mum loved it.. loved us... heck.. she loved me.. she was just like the mum i never had. When I was upset shed bake me cookies.. and then show me all of his baby pictures to embarrass him xD Needless to say, his mum is completely supportive of him, and always have been. Hes been out as bi for as long as he could really recall. When i went to let him explain to himself, i found it funny when he said "My mom has been giving me shit the entire time saying I was really really stupid for letting someone so perfect as you go" He just.. wanted to hold my hand because he wanted to be back with me ;~;

and indeed, movies are absolutely the best kinda date. I agree with you on that.

but.. yeah ;~;